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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Hi, I'm Toivoa and I want to save the world


Yes, I did switch back to "Toivoa", I'm a little attached now and besides, I've had the encouragement from a couple of my blogging friends to do so, since they also like it. It may change again at a later date, but for now, I remain Toivoa.

I wish I had the power to make everyone happy. But more than that, I wish I could make things right for everyone. As I've come to realise, being happy doesn't mean that what is causing this is right, and, in the long term, can cause more damage than good. More often than not, what is right is painful, and hard, and sometimes we do not see the reward even in this life. But it should be done because it is right. You may say that I see the world in black and white, but I do see the many shades of grey. However, on some things, there are only two options. I do not believe that truth is relative. If we say that Santa is real, if we believe that Santa is real, that does not change the fact that he is real. In the times of believing the earth was flat, it was still round. If we believed that we should give way to our left rather than our right here in Australia, the road rules remain the same and we would be screwed... If we believe we should kill someone for such and such a reason, that does not mean we are right, no matter how it is justified in our minds (and I hope none of my readers believe they should kill anyone, that's a little bit disturbing...) Yeah, I don't understand where I come up with half of my examples either.
Anyway, I believe you can see the point I am trying to make.

What makes this so much more confusing is how right and wrong are often mixed in together. In the bible study I am dragged along to on Sundays by my parents (please note the use of the word "dragged", this is not of my choosing by any stretch of the imagination), we have just looked at how Satan does this. I brought this point up actually. (Ironically, I'd be a great Christian if we based such things on biblical knowledge in regards to age; I'm pretty well informed, for my age. I also have been memorising verses of Scripture literally since the time I could speak sentences. But we'll see.) What is done, though, time and time again, is a lie wrapped in with the truth, or a shred of truth woven through a lie. Of course, ultimately, this whole thing is untrue, but what is so horribly devious about this is how we can see the truth there...

I had learnt this myself, that in lying to my parents, if it was to be as believable as possible, I should make it as truthful I could. For instance, if I was going to hang out just with a guy, I'd say that I was going with them, but also with at least one other girl or a few more people.
That's why knowing what the right thing is, in so many cases, so hard to figure out. Life isn't black and white, it's full of different shades, and we haven't even mentioned the colours!

One thing I struggle with majorly is the verse in Scripture that states that "the heart of man is deceitful above all things". To say that we are liars at the core of our beings is something I am not reconciled with. I always search for the good in people, that is why, even in the majority of terrible people, I find a justification of their actions, however slight; at least understanding the reasons why they have done such a thing, what may have pushed them to do so. I take away the blame from them even just a little, because I believe that there is good in everyone, because I am highly sympathetic. But is that really true? I'm not sure. (Look, I'm a teenager. And I'm admitting to not being sure about something... I must be learning to temper my pride... Hah oh GOD I need some more coffee. Or sleep.)

Believing the best of everyone isn't a good thing. It can lead to being easily deceived. Gullible, as some would say. I am very gullible. I forgive countless times; and David springs to mind here. Liar liar liar screams an inner voice nearly every time I talk to him these days, but there are numerous times beforehand when I have ignored that voice and trusted him once more.
I believe that forgiveness is very important, but it doesn't mean that one must trust the person again, for that can be foolish. [I should take my own words on board here.]

I am more cynical than I once was, but I do still take people at face value, I do trust people too easily. It is the opposite of mistrusting everyone, but it is not the better of the two, a balance is needed. While I hate the sound of the word "prudence", in itself is something I need to gain. This will only come with time and experience, I think...

Anyway, I have a friend whose boyfriend cheated on her, more than once, with his ex girlfriend. Not just a hook up, but they slept together, several times, behind her back. He also had considered suicide and faced depression blah, all that jazz, and I had discussed these with him a couple of times while said friend was favourably disposed towards him, aka when they were still a couple. Even when she hated him, and rightly so, I still kinda felt sorry for him... Please don't hurt me, you, his thankfully ex-girlfriend! See, I sympathise with people too easily...

I just wish I could help every person who is upset, I hate to see people upset, and I hate to be helpless and unable to make them feel better, at the least. I would give anything to be able to do this for people...

[Yeah that ^^^ was pretty much the original point of this post but it's kinda flat, I had someone distracting me and I was trying not to cry... I'm sensitive to being guilt tripped, like I said recently, even if it's as a joke, and I'm actually really upset at the moment lol. Don't ask.]

Yeah anyway, you know that coffee I mentioned? Considering my last was an hour ago, I really need to take myself up on that suggestion. Face it. Admit it or not, you love my early morning ramblings in which I try to sound mature and pass off my sixteen years of experience as tried and tested and set in stone realisations about life, managing only to show that sleep helps to bring down the random tangents and possibly even lend structure to my writing, which is why I should possibly indulge in a little more of it...
Or perhaps I should just stop here.


  1. Toivoa! Yay! :)

    I think you should keep on to your kind heart. You might get hurt sometimes but the world is full of us cynics, you are a breath of fresh air!

  2. I kinda love how excited you are that I have my name back ;P

    Um, thanks lol. C: I think it's worth it, getting hurt a lot occasionally for all the great relationships I build with the people who are worth trusting (:

    I'm a little bit ajfkljdskg (oh how I love keyboard mashing to express my feelings) at the moment, but your comment cheered me up rather a lot (: