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Saturday, February 7, 2009

"You're worth,
losing my self esteem."

I have been giving myself away too cheaply, too easily. Of course, this makes me sounds like a slut realising that she could make more money out of it as a whore, but that is not exactly what I am referring to...

I'm so sick of violence. So sick of fighting, and pain. Sick of bad decisions on my part that leave me feeling hollow, empty. I'm sick of realisng afterward just how much I'm going to regret my choices and actions. Of how I keep trying to deaden the feelings and how the emptiness is fed by it.

A remotely violent movie has me upset and on the verge of crying. I feel so fragile these days, with flashes of memory leaving me regretful.

I also want to avoid most of my male friends since it seems that I cannot have a relationship with a guy that will stay a mere friendship... It always tends to become at least slightly more. The only friend I can say that hasn't happened with, who is single, is Nick; and of course Greg during the few months he was single, but since I truly consider him to be my brother, that's just not even plausible. I want to have a simple friendship with a guy, like I had with the ex best friend. Even though we did hook up but that wasn't anything. Well, it kinda was. But it was irrelevant to our friendship. It is also very highly irritating to have one's boobs named... by a friend from church, something I find a little odd.

Then, on Friday I went to the movies with a guy who I met at that community service week but only talked to on the last day, he was nice; but then, he kissed me. WHY? I'm not that attractive (I'm being perfectly honest, I was studying my face completely objectively on webcam to a friend the other night... >;D) and okay I'd say my personality's pretty decent, or at least, seems so at first ;P but, really, are you just desperate???

Okay, I may not have discouraged him when he went to hold my hand and then put his arm around me, but what was I supposed to do? Just move away? Sure, that may have been an option, but that would have been so awkward afterwards; and really, I am terrible at reacting to anything of that kind...

I won't lie, I like attention from guys. But at the same time it makes me want to run away. I am not comfortable with it and I am terrified that they may actually even end up liking me... because then they might want a relationship. And I'm dead scared of being in a relationship. I don't think I'd be a very good girlfriend...

But at the same time I am rapidly getting tired of random hook ups and the like, the friends with benefits type thing...

And really, I'm not that hot. I like you saying that a couple of times. After that, it scares me. And triggers the flight instinct. Plus, you obviously aren't paying that much attention.

This wasn't meant to be a post about guys. haha

I've been thinking about God a lot lately. I'm sick of doing things my way and just making a mess of my life, and I want someone who knows better and wants what's best for me to take over; but I'm not sure quite what's stopping me. I don't think I'm quite ready. But I want to be. I really do, so much. I've got almost everything sorted out, but not the singular most important detail. I'm not worried about just following my parents' beliefs anymore, because I know that is definitely not relevant to my decision. I mean, it's obviously had an influence but what I decide is based on what I feel is real, and there's a lot of proof...

It's just still about making it personal. I don't know how to do that.

P.S. ACTUAL LOL - my sister just asked my mum, "Have you even got any in the last three years???" I'm absolutely certain I've taken that completely out of context, but I'm highly amused >;D

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