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Friday, March 27, 2009

The ex ex best friend

I thought I'd tell the story of my first close best friend. Be warned, its long. Our closeness lasted a year, while we were in grade eight to nine, or perhaps nine to ten. I forget. We were friends for a while before that, but after my birthday in June one year, we started sharing everything with each other. It was strange and somewhat terrible on both our parts to lose such a friendship, particularly for her, and it did not end well. I think I grew out of my need for her, or something. Either way, I didn't want to accept my irritation at her and thus, it grew until I was incredibly angry at her, and we had a series of fights that were incredibly vicious (on my side) and cruel (also on my side). I was ashamed of myself when I thought about it, even at the time, and yet I closed off those emotions in order to be sadistic in a way I didn't know I was capable of. I am reminded of a passage in the text we are currently studying in English, but I shan't go into that.

She and I were vastly different from each other. She was logical, reasoning; did everything based on my emotions. She didn't really care how she looked, I definitely did (although you wouldn't have been able to tell from that ridiculous fringe I had for far too long sometime during that period of my life). She liked Maths, what the hell??? She didn't own a pair of jeans, I practically lived in them. She wasn't keen on hugs, I adored them. She wasn't comfortable talking about a lot of topics that come up in typical girl conversations, and was my polar opposite in nearly every way. (Sorry if my view of this is any different to yours)

It was odd that we were friends, if you think about it. But friendship has never been dictated by what two, or more, have in common. It's somewhat inexplicable. A lot of types of love are... Take that, logic! Anyway, in real life, our conversations without others were stilted and awkward; both struggling to come up with anything to speak of. However, we used to talk via text messaging all the time, we said so much in texts that we began to use abbreviation techniques that no one else could understand, so shortened were they. If we had not, we would each have run out of credit even faster than we did, and we used our credit incredibly rapidly.

We stayed up till 4 in the morning at times, talking about all kinds of things in texts, and then began to make phone calls at the same time, using the free minutes we received with our credit recharging plan. Then, we'd talk so much. We told us each other nearly everything, we could read each other's actions and notice hidden meanings in our words at school. We had a crazily special connection, I could try for years and not be able to define it exactly. We still had the really awkward conversations in real life, and even during the day our phone calls could go minutes without either of us having anything to say, broken by an occasional "so..." Like I said, odd friendship.

She was the first to find out about my hurting myself, when it did begin, months into our friendship, although she found out later. When I did tell her, she used all her logic to try to convince me not to. I've tried to stop for various reasons before, as I've mentioned. One reason was her. My other friends, the other friends, were a huge part of how I did eventually stop. July the 2nd, 2008. Last time ever. Almost nine months, I think. Haha, that's almost long enough to have a baby. ugh.

I learned random interesting facts from her, as she discovered them. I don't understand how our friendship fit together, but it did. I loved her, she loved me. We were there for each other even when we would fight. Like I said, I can't explain what was between us. Anyway, we were very good friends.

And then I got mad and was the hugest bitch ever to her. But that link we had, it's still there. We still sometimes occasionally have text conversations and late night phone calls. Well, we did, when I had my phone. It's different, of course. Certain things are no longer said, are not able to be said. But we still have that openness, to an extent, she still gives me advice. I really respect her advice still. And value her opinion, with some things. It is something weird that exists between us now, but now that all the anger has gone, and the pain and hurt has eased a little, it is something weird, but kinda good. Odd, like our friendship has always been. But not in a bad way.


  1. " (Sorry if my view of this is any different to yours)"

    It is, but only because it is from your point of view. It's more or less the same, with only that slight variation which is expected.

    I still like Maths =P

    I've quite abandoned that logical side of me. Although it still shows up and I still listen to it once in a while, it doesn't control me like it used to.
    Change is an interesting thing.

    I still physically cringe when I think back to certain moments. Some of the stuff I said, some of the stuff you said (some of the stuff someone else said). But that's all in the past now I guess.

    These sentences, "it is something weird, but kinda good. Odd, like our friendship has always been. But not in a bad way," took me off guard. So now... Uh, I don't know what to say. But I guess I've kinda always been like that. Awkward. Socially.

  2. ^_^

    lol. Yeeeah, I noticed, with the logic thing.

    And the past does tend to affect the present / future, so meh. Anyway.

  3. Ich Liebe Dich jimit

  4. THanks to you, we are together. It has been a while now, and I am happy.