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Sunday, May 17, 2009


I don't want to make you upset. I never did, and I sucked at that, and I'm so sorry. I know my apologies are far too late and can never ever do enough.

I would have hurt her, I would have hurt her in any and every fucking way possible, if she had carried out or even tried to carry out any of this threats she made against you. Even just saying what she did. I know it's stupid to get involved in other people's fights, but you were my best friend, I would not take that. I could not take that. She said the stupidest things, she was ridiculous. I still have an MSN conversation saved in a word file callled Brandon the Hero, when her boyfriend was taking her side and trying to join in. What a dick. Of course I was there.

I don't know when I became so caught up in my own feelings, I don't know how I got that way, but no matter what, I would still defend you, I still do.

This upcoming music trip... I can't see you being alone. You were always so good at making friends. Even though things have changed so much now, with everyone, you wouldn't have that problem, would you? You're the pretty, bubbly, outgoing, funny one. Even though I usually try to hide it, I still feel awkward around people so much, not knowing what to say. Except with some. Like you.

What do I want? I don't know...

I want you to be fucking happy. Maybe you can't do that when you are friends with me. I try to be happy and although I'm getting better at it, sometimes I get upset for no reason, and moody and just strange.

And in that case, if my seemingly uncontrollable, volatile emotions prevent us from being friends, then in one way I don't want us to be friends again. Of course I do, I want it more than anything. But I don't want to make you sad, and I don't know if I can help it. God knows I've done it often enough already to last a lifetime.

I never wanted that. I never wanted to hurt you.

I never ever imagined we would find ourselves where we are today.

How could I ever imagine such a thing?

Sometimes, what happened is clear to me; at others, I just don't understand it.

I wish I had a definite idea of something. But I have no idea. And I have no idea what I specifically want.

1 comment:

  1. At sixteen; I can't begrudge you not having any idea. I know I don't.

    You're obviously trying though. That's as admirable as it gets :)