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Thursday, June 4, 2009

"What in the world's come over me?"

Having a boyfriend who's so thin makes me want to cry. Or stop eating for a week. Or stick my fingers down my throat.

Whatever works.

Because I'm scared he'll judge me like I judge myself; that even though he likes me it won't be enough just because I'm not that pretty and my body isn't that great either and I'm scared that he'll realise I'm not so hot and not someone he wants to be seen with (which he doesn't anyway by his relatives and the like but that's for a perfectly justifiable reason aka although he's 18 he's not allowed to date and would be shot if he was found to), and he will stop liking me.

It is so much easier to be confident when we were just friends with benefits coz damn, I knew he wouldn't kiss me if he didn't find me attractive. And I know it makes no sense as to why he would lose that now that we're a couple, but I've never been one to work by logic, even at the best of times.

I hate that I care so much. But this relationship has been a long long time coming, even though I never thought it actually would, and I want it to last for a long, long time too...


  1. I'm so glad that you said this because, lately, my pants have been SO tight and I haven't been eating as much as I normally do because, well, let's face it, it's one habit that's hard to break. I worked so hard to stop starving myself and as soon as my pants get a little tight I freak out all over again.

    YOU are BEAUTIFUL and I hope you know that. Let's be strong together!

  2. Thanks (: Okay, well right back at you. (: Sometimes I think that; others, I look in the mirror and think, I can't even understand how people can bear to look at my face... I have good days and bad days, just like everyone, I guess, haha.

    Yes, and maybe if I want to be fit I should start exercising haha.

  3. I know kind of how you feel. When I was going out with M there were days when I would wake up and feel as ugly as all hell and I would think to myself "what on earth does he see in me?" and i would tell myself there was something in me that he saw. something. becuase if there wasnt why would he have liked me in the first place? And okay so that relationship didn't work out but that was for other reasons. You are beautiful. I know you don't believe that and I am not saying so just because you are my friend. you are beautiful.
    On those days when I was going out with him and I felt like utter yuck I just had to bite the bullet and try to put all my fears behind me because that was the only way.
    You are beautiful. Never forget that. Besides, jimit doesnt just like you for your looks! He likes you for you.
    Love you xx

  4. damn mel...steal words from me.
    I think that is all that is said.
    Everyone has their bad days, even mel, who, by the way looks good all the time =]
    (booyah, double compliment...)
    Also, on a side note: I love you xx

  5. The point of loving someone else is identifying positive qualities in them you don't believe you possess yourself -otherwise we'd all be single and happy about it- so don't get too hung up on feeling inadequate. We seek in others the security that can't be found in ourselves.

    My point is just; everyone gets insecure. Admiring the person you're with is important so long as it doesn't make you so miserable you don't want to be with them anymore. Maybe, if you can ignore the insecurities for long enough, you might notice the innumerable amount of times he gets a look of gratitude and disbelief in his eyes when he remembers that YOU like HIM.

  6. ok, im going to say something you'll prob never here me repeat.
    you're not ugly.
    I've seen ugly, your not it.
    You're not fat, nor too thin.
    You're fine.
    Bit better than fine.
    But he's not gonna stop liking you or like you any less because of your appearance.
    If he does, he's an idiot.
    A blind idiot.
    Is he a blind idiot?
    Im assuming no.