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Sunday, July 26, 2009

So when you tell me that you love me know for sure...

I don't wanna be lonely any more.

So Rob Thomas sung, and quite probably, shall sing again. I'm looking
for someone I can sing that to, not literally of course.

I'm lonely, at the heart of everything else. With my best friends
Kathleen and Lyn and Bass Boy and my various other friends, I've got
this void I'm trying to fill. BF, sure, he's got his place. But I
can't talk to him about him and other boys, about girly things and
movies and anime and joke about old memories and a future together. We
don't have a long term future together. I do not see us getting
married, although I'm fine with being proved wrong on that. He may be
the ever elusive "one" but for now he is merely my boyfriend, and
while this might sound stupid, I hate that he is the person I am
currently closest to.

At this age, friends are the steadiest thing I have. They are the ones
I can still see having a bond with decades down the line.

Chip, well, we'll see.

I don't want my boyfriend to be the person I go to first to tell
everything, when we have been together for two months. I do not want
to be clingy and I want a solid foundation, I want a girl's view and a
specific sort. Some friendships just click together perfectly, you
know, and I have not been able to find someone who I can talk to about
things like my Rainbow Brite girl. I mean, we talk now. But it's not
the same as before, when we were best friends, secure in our
friendship and able to talk about anything, as we did while wagging
school to get chips at the deli, cringing over the deli lady's mockery
of our order of large fries between the two of us and laughing over
past experiences and future plans. We talked about everything and
although I'll tell Kathleen things, her perspective is different. I
don't see her at school, she only gets ideas of school drama from my

My gossip sources are strained and poor, not to mention slow.

I have no one to discuss my insecurities with Chip because most of my
friends are single and don't seem to want to hear me talk about him.

I miss having someone to talk to about everything who has that specific perspective... I miss you, Becca.


  1. i know how you feel to some degree. i dont think i have had that sort of friendship in such a long time. its ridiculous really. love you xx

  2. I so know how you feel. I recently repaired a friendship that was once more like being sisters, but it's just not the same anymore. I've been hanging out with another friend and although that's nice too, I miss having that absolute closeness with someone. I feel the same way about my guy: I don't want him to be the only person I'm that close to. It creates such complications. It's so frustrating!

    *hugs* Hang in there!

  3. Hah thanks Elizabeth :)
    Yeaaah well hopefully we each find one of those friends soon, my bf has the same thing going on with his friends as well aha