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Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I haven't posted in forever, have been studying for final exams, which have just begun.
I can't sleep.
I'm trying to be healthy and get enough sleep and eat right. All of that.
I hate the turbulence that Chip's heart problem brings, to his life, and our relationship. I don't think I can handle it much longer. I am not going to break up with him, no, never. Never because of that. Never for any reason, hopefully... but more on that later.
I just, what with him and so much wrong in other people's lives around me... I am forever on the edge of tears. I am not letting him go, but I am scared that I will have some sort of breakdown and not be able to handle anything. And really, I'm still getting better from myself.
I hate how his heart leads to either or both of us growing angry or upset at various times. I am not frustrated at him, no, never. But with myself, my inability to help him, my inability to deal with it. My inability to deal with myself.
You know what sucks? He has been getting better, but it still finds a way to creep into everything. And now, with the beginning of summer, we are realising that the heat, the fucking heat, causes him to hurt. Fuck this.
This is a terrible post, please bear with me.
I love how close we are, how strong we are together, I love him and who he is. I think we are, at the moment, far too dependent on each other, however. I don't know. And I hate the way I continue to suppress my conscience on some matters which are actually fundamental to me. I know he will agree with me but I don't want to bring it up with him.
I'm sick of the way everything just is. I'm sick of not being able to sleep, knowing that his presence would calm me down so that I could. But we are not allowed that. I just want to fall asleep with him again, so that just one more time I can fall asleep quickly and easily and happily, and sleep feeling safe and loved. I loved that.
I miss our August.
And that way I could know if he was hurting, and it made it more okay, because I could be there with him throughout. I cannot stand him being in pain. But his pain unchecked when he is alone...
I am scared he will die. He is my best friend. If anything happened...
I know I could not cope with that. I know several people who could not cope with that at all.
I have so much to explain to you all.
Soon. When exams are over.


  1. I've missed your posts. I'm glad you're talking. I, for one, am here to listen to whatever you want or need to say. Just keep trying.

  2. Hannah! I have missed our interaction... Your email is still marked unread in my inbox although I have read it quite a few times, waiting for me to write a decent response. I seriously think about it every day and wish I could but I'm really not up for it at the moment. As soon as exams are over I shall.

    And thank you, as well. I hope to post regularly again after exams. Thanks for the encouragement. It helps :)

  3. I missed your posts and am glad to see you back... but sad to see that you are hurting. I think it's so beautiful that you have found someone who you so obviously love very much. Don't be afraid to rely on each other; as long as it is reciprocal and is strengthening your relationship, it's perfectly fine to have that kind of trust in each other.

    It can be so frustrating to watch someone you care about go through hard times, but by you being there for him, you are helping him so much more than you know. Please try not to stress yourself out too much though. I know how hard it can be, but it's no good if you burn yourself out.

    I hope things start to look up and I am here for you if you need me. <33

  4. Elizabeth, I'm finding it pretty special... :) I'm very lucky to have him. Yes, we definitely rely on each other a lot.

    Yeah, I hope so. I am trying to stay as calm as possible, and he is doing everything he can to make it easier for me.

    Things are getting better, I think. Today has been both terrible and wonderful. I am incredibly full of hope. I shall write about it tomorrow. :)

    Thank you so much, it means so much.