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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

'But still we'll say, "remember when"...'

That said, here's a real post, not another one of those "I'm planning to post regularly again, really" pieces I've been throwing out for the past few months. Feel free to unfollow me.

The ex ex best friend, as I so imaginatively dubbed her earlier. Remember her?

Well, there is so much I have to tell you, as I have mentioned in earlier posts, only about a hundred times, and this is not at all what I was planning to start with. There is so much to tell you about - the Psycho, my best friend Jamie, the ex best friend JRLB and how things are with him now... and other people I haven't made up poorly thought out nicknames or fake names for yet. I have to tell you about my boyfriend Chip/Lingu and how things are with his heart, as well as some of his unfortunate, awkward, but extremely entertaining encounters. Then there's the end of school, formal, my final score and my plans for this year. I want to hear more from you about my relationship with Lingu and therefore, I want you to know more about it... if you can take the reading.

But no, none of that. Let's begin with 'Cynta'. It is important, after all. And for those of you who know us personally, perhaps surprising, or shocking, even.

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you,
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

Cynta, as you may recall, was my closest friend for over two years, a while back. This transcends 'best friends', it was on a far deeper, inexplicable level. We had a connection and an understanding of each other that I could never recreate with another. Lingu and I are so increcible close, and no, no one has ever known me so well,but he is far more than a friend, and so it is different. Cynta and I were young, a little too inflexible at times to quite understand the perspective of one another, even if we knew what it was. She, the logical, factual one, and I, the erratic, emotional one. She loved maths, I, writing. Our decisions followed this pattern. It was that sort of thing. She was the first friend to know and have to deal with my self harm.

As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die to
I'd die too

We shared a lot. I could spend forever attempting to explain it, but we found something in our friendship that we had never experienced before, and it sustained us and actually taught s a new meaning and possibility in friendship. Too much? It may sound ridiculous and overstated, but it was all that. More. If you've had a friendship of a similar nature, you will understand what I mean.

You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does.

Well, this was intended to be a brief summary... I need to work on 'concise'. Bear with me.

So anyway, I thought I had outgrown her, that I was bored with her and I didn't even need her anymore. There were a series of things that led to this, but a lot of the reason why is a mystery to me. So what began is something I am not proud of. I turned on her, the dearest person in my life, and betrayed her with a cruelty that I can scarcely believe I am capable of... and that I was and probably still I am is scary and horrifying. I hurt her like only someone that close to you can, as an unjustified hatred toward her formed and I grew ever more angry at her... I found her pathetic, using everything I could to try to destroy her further... It makes me sick to remember all that I said to her. And yet, if I was completely honest, underneath all the irrational anger was a horror at what she was going through... because of me... And sometimes that broke me. Considering all that happened in those few months after the worst of my attacks were over, I was trying to convince myself that I was okay without her, realising that I had severed myself from something precious. And what followed in those months is something I have never told anyone. Sure, it is partly embarrassment, but partly an inability to even correctly recall those events. My mind blocks such things, and I have never told anyone about it, ever. I broke down like after the loss of my friendships with Little Miss Sunshine and Rainbow Brite... and I am only realising this in that sense as I type this...

We'll make the same mistakes
I'll take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
'cause I know I still do.

That I reacted that way, not perhaps just because of what happened but because, although I had many good, close, best friends left, I had left a friendship that, after all, did still mean a lot... And I caused it, awfully. I cringe at what I did. It was horrible and inhumane and I know what I did and saying "I'm not proud of it" does not cover my regret. Yet I cannot bring myself to say I wish it did not happen. We are what we are because of it, and although I wish I was not so cruel, so... sadistic, even, it is in the past. There is no point, nor logic, in "should have"s, or "could have"s, and she knows what I mean. We are very different people now...

Should I bite my tongue
Until blood soaks my shirt?
We'll never fall apart
so Tell me why this hurts so much

But that connection between has never been completely cut. Something I could not admit for a very long time, even once my anger had cooled and we were in the ignoring stage, is that I still love her... Not something I feel with intensity as with most friends, or much emotion. But it is something I know and refuse to ignore any more. We were that kind of friends. And that doesn't die easily.

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do, just like we always do

After a couple of years, we slowly began to talk again. And we would still spend hours on the phone and tell each other things we would not share easily with others, closer friends. It shocked me, how we still had that. How we somehow still had retained trust in each other. I did not deserve it. I had brutally betrayed that trust. But we could not help ourselves. And slowly, slowly, we have begun to talk more. We laugh together. We have helped each other. I have talked to her when I was in a lot of trouble and desperately in need of help, and she was the only one I could see being able. And we talk, now.

I think we might even, almost, call ourselves friends...

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you.


  1. I'm glad you're writing again.

    And I can't write anywhere near as beautifully as you so all I can say to this post is;

    I understand completely.

  2. She's always been better at explaining than I ;)

  3. I have a friend like that, too, where the connection is different from any friendship I've ever had. Or, was different. We're not friends anymore. After a series of small betrayals, she betrayed me in the worst way. I think I'm on my way to forgiving her, but the friendship is strained. We don't talk much anymore, and only just started texting again so she could keep me updated on her son. But the love is still there, and I still miss her.

    I hope you can repair your friendship. We all do stupid things, and sometimes we can forgive but not forget, but I think most damage can be repaired - especially if you both still feel that closeness.