MLIG

Honestly, why haven't I been around?

Firstly, let me say that I've missed it, this whole blogging thing. The feel of community amongst those who have never met face to face or never would have if not for the blogosphere, that real friendship and all the laughs, all the stories. From those my age to those in their fifties and beyond, blogging has been an adventure. Now if it sounds as this is a retirement post, relax Max, it's nothing close.

I first began my blog almost eleven months ago. My blog and its audience and my blogging friends have changed drastically since those first days and weeks when I sobbed out my heart in HTML and custom font. Still a little too used to LiveJournal, perhaps. And with a heart in severe need of mending.

I hadn't realise I could hurt like that, feel so broken, so shattered. Not for so long. But then, I'd never thought those friendships could dissolve, and so rapidly, without any logical reason or explanation, in my eyes. A lot has changed and I think that those of you have been reading all this time could agree that I am a much stronger and resilient, even happier, person. Although I ceased my self harm in early July, it is this year that I have come to value myself even more highly, and learnt even more about acceptance, of myself and in every way of life.

I slip, a lot. Mood swings have been rampant these past weeks. Possibly a by-product of sleep deprivation. But, you see, le Boyfriend's parents have been away in Europe since August the 4th. And what would two teenagers not quite in love and carrying on a relationship without their would-be-disapproving parents' knowledge, do with this opportunity of an unsupervised house? No, not that... They would obviously spend as much as time as possible together at said unsupervised house... with clothes...

Cue a lot of lies - "Oh, mum I'm sleeping over at Jeorjette's/Shani's/Catherine's house tonight", a lot of close calls, far too much missed school than is sane whilst in one's final year of school, and considering the fact that it is Toivoa and Chip we're talking about here, a lot of crap and painful things including near break ups that has only resulted in us being even closer than before. We're talking car break downs, almost being caught sneaking out, accidental destruction of gifts, serious health problems, really bad jokes, some lengthy visits from that self destructive, heartless, psycho bitch side of me; and trust me, her showing up reminded me just how much I have not missed her.

The remainder of the time, I've been stressing about school and English teachers, not doing nearly enough work and discovering amusing sites such as MLIA, amazing sites such as MLIG and in particular, Gives Me Hope, which really does give me and a lot of other people hope. I've gotten my ears pierced, finally, been to a friend's formal, had le Boyfriend come to church with me, been drunk with le Boyfriend, and crossed a lot more items off on our make out list... I'll post it some time. I've banned myself from Facebook for a week, twice, and exploded Carbonara sauce in the microwave a couple more times than I'd like to admit. I've had the most dreadful arguments with the 'rents and missed friends like Raspberry Hatter and Elizabeth; wondered about Michael Rivera, hankered after reading a bit of Lilu, to name a few.

I've been missing people and been experiencing nostalgia for a past that I've never known, and my increasing "emotional chameleon" state is of likewise increasing intrigue to me. I've been out winning awards (well, only one, really) and buying books with the subsequent book voucher prizes, which I have then been too busy to read, or have misplaced somewhere in the house. I've been destroying phones and breaking stuff and getting down but somehow, never out. It's been bumpy, disheartening, but good. I am happy.

So why haven't I been blogging/reading/commenting? I'd like to say that I've been saving up blogging material for you all, but that would, unfortunately, be a lie. I've been lacking time and topics and the ability to write, as well as questioning whether I am truly cut out to create and sustain an entertaining blog, but I am going to say, with some trepidation, that I am back, and looing forward to this, you sexy sexy bloggers, you. And my posts shall NOT be as terrible as my previous few, I promise that.

But one more thing. I have another blog, which is pretty much exactly the same as this, but uncensored and without, well, at the moment, without anyone reading it, but without people-I-know reading it, therefore, a few extra posts you will never see here. I'd challenge you to find it but I'd love for it to have an audience asap, so drop me an email, yes, an email, and, I know, who the fuck uses email these days? Anyway, send me an email, and I'll let you know the password (or URL) to my cave of hidden wonders... /any sexual innuendo derived from that is totally a result of your own warped mind...

Oh and P.S.? (I know I said one more thing, and this makes two, but shush...)


I'm not in love, no, but I love Chip more than I can say (and trust me, you're going to be hearing rather a sickening lot about that in posts to come), and I can truly say that right now, he is the only one I want.



P.P.S. Just realised that I began this post with the line "Why haven't I been around?" Geez. Not to sound desperate to be slutty or anything, Toivoa. Besides, as I was telling Chip the other day, I'm too fucking good to be slutty, or a hooker, or a stripper. Problem? You be the judge.

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"Smile like you mean it"

It is such a relief that this school week is over. So much has happened in these five days...

I talked to my friends again, I started going out with Jimit, watched an amazing play for English Studies and the Year 12 play for Westminster, the school my best friend Kat goes to.

This is how it's going to work. There are a few things I wish to post at length about, and as such, these shall be separated into different posts. Apologies.

[I've also created a new blog for the three of us, partly because I don't want our talking to each other via blog posts to invade this blog and also because I don't think other people need to be involved. Here you go.]

I saw one of my friends smile at me yesterday, and even though it may have been a little awkward, and my answering smile definitely was slightly off... Well, you may think that I was excited when the exbestfriend smiled at me... I was. But this, this was so much better... I didn't dance for excitement or anything but I felt like finally something that was wrong had been fitted back into place. Like the world got turned right way up again finally. I don't know, in one way it felt like a huge occurrence, in another it felt like we had slipped back into it easily. And a smile kept working its way across my face for a long time after.

I was nervous, when I was walking up the stairs, and saw her sitting with her boyfriend right outside where I was to pass, and I stopped to talk to Lynley, who happened to be on the stairs. I wanted to try to compose myself a little, and not walk past alone, but as we walked up the stairs, I did not hear a word she said. I wasn't sure what to do, was it too soon yet to acknowledge her with a smile? Was this actually finally happening? I was watching her as I walked past, she was looking the other way. Was it still too awkward, were we too used to turning away at the moments of passing each other? Her boyfriend was watching me watching her, but I didn't want to miss it if it would happen. There had already been so many missed times over that day and the previous with the other one...

And then she turned her head and smiled, and I smiled back as best as I could, relief just flooding through me. I saw her boyfriend notice this and say something to her, quietly, for we weren't in close proximity, and I, so flustered but happy, kept walking with Lynley past where I had to go. I could have danced with joy, if I was the dancing kind.

It was wonderful.

Concert band directly afterwards was great. Sure, technically it still sucked ass and went for ages, but that time it just didn't seem as long or as unbearable. We also didn't play the song that I absolutely hate, but even if we had...

We communicated a little. Afterwards, we laughed together, just briefly. I was scared that it was too much too soon, what if it was too awkward for her? Should we just go straight back to laughing and talking or kinda ease into it? I was so tentative, but knowing that we could look at each other at the same time and not have to hastily look away - I almost cried with happiness.

A friend mentioned to me how strange it had been to see us talking via Failbook, and I agreed. Of course, it was crazy. But it was so right. Not the Failbook part, now if it had been MySpace, then, of course. ;p

Honestly, I had expected first for these things to happen with the other one. For a start, we had a lesson together the very day after we talked, and that Thursday. I had even hoped for it, maybe. I tried to imagine it. But things never work out how I imagine. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing...

Things are better. So much better. I am not wondering if what we had can be restored, any friendship between us is wonderful, and enough for now. If that's all there ever is, then that will be enough.

On a side note, you know what drives me crazy? Hearing from other people how they've drifted apart from them. It drives me insane. Do you have any idea what are you letting yourself lose??? Surely, you can't. I almost want to scream at them. There is only one thing worse in hearing about them.

No, you do not, you do not fucking say those things. There is this guy at my school who everyone hates. He is vile. Last year when this had all begun, we used to talk in a lesson where I no longer had anyone to talk to... One day one of them came up in conversation, and having listened in on my talking to someone else, assumed that we were merely no longer friends and tried to ingratiate himself by complaining about one of them. Fuck you. Fuck you. If there weren't enough reasons to hate you already, that solely would be enough. I despise you and I will never forgive you.

It's more painful when it's people who I am friends with, who I know were friends with them. Again, are they out of their minds???

... I'm just glad we have this back, this, something.

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