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Wednesday, November 5, 2008

"I like where you sleep,

When you sleep, next to me,

I like where you sleep... here."

Mmm, most humans can understand the feeling of wanting to be with someone, we are made to desire that, to have someone for us. And it is why we get lonely when we are alone sometimes, so we recognise that need / want for another. Humans are not solitary beings, we need each other. Mmm.

I'm probably a little or a lot tired which is why I'm going to write about this, and probably stupid. But, like, here goes anyway.

Have you ever questioned your sexuality? A friend once told me that everyone does, it's a part of being a teenager. I heard a survey once showed that the vast majority of people will during their lifetime. I used to be heaps worried that I was bi ahahaha. I have come to realise that, no, I'm not. Which was a relief. I just think, how more girls are lesbians than guys are gay, it makes sense, because girls are attractive, we can see it in each other whereas apparently straight guys can't tell if another guy is like, attractive or not. According to Jimit lol, but then he did tell me one of his friends isn't really very good looking, but then, he does say that girls sometimes have different opinions to him on guys and he's like whaaat?

Mmmm. I dunno. Rarely, I guess, I go, if I was a guy, I would so fall for her. I'd never want to go out with a girl or anything, eeeeeep :|

But then, I don't even want a boyfriend at the moment.

agh. This is an awkward subject lol. I am still completely straight. /shrugs

Moving on. I told Daniel the other night, if Jake hadn't been my best friend, I think I would have fallen in love with him.

That surprised me. I know everyone thought we would get together. We never would have. But it's no secret I used to like him, when he still liked rap and was heaps different, in year 10, and barely knew him. And at times this year I thought I might like him. I was so close to it, I was on the brink. But I don't think I ever did again. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that. I was in love with him as a friend for sure.

But, just, I could have a million reasons to have wanted him to be my boyfriend. And I have wanted to. I wanted to kiss him, and I got that. It wasn't just that I wanted to kiss him for the sake of it, it was more than that. I wouldn't let myself hope he ever wanted to either. Even those nights, when he looked at me with that same look I could feel myself looking at him when it was just, in the dark, and I wanted to kiss him so badly I could barely not. I thought it was just a look. Even once, when I swear he went for it and then pulled himself back. I was like, no way. I'd done the same thing too, when I couldn't bear looking at him anymore and not. We weren't close enough already? Hah. Biting wars. Those nights were special, even as friends. We kindah acted like little children, a lot. Doing stupid things. Cuddling, play fighting, biting each other, like it was so innocent. My "cute" little voice and faces, everything. Guess where biting wars led to? My god, when it happened, I was the one to pull away, even how much I had wanted it. I thought it happened by mistake. But, oh my god.

This is completely unrepeatable. !

I have always found him attractive. Admittedly, less so with the beard and the long hair, but when he shaved off the beard and straightened his hair... /dies

He is one of the best huggers I know

And I completely love his personality, kinda tough and angry and you needed to be patient with him but I loved him. I love him.

He lived across the road. Bonus. We spent so much time together.

Too much.

It's not like he just got rid of me from his life. He replaced me with Nicole. I don't have a problem with Nicole. But agh. Fuck's sake.

Not that he's so close to her as me. Not that he really ever told me anything. But even so, he told me a bit. And he cared about me. He wanted to know what was wrong when I was sad.

When I wasn't with him, at school we'd email each other if we were on computers. Sometimes text. I mainly started it but sometimes he would. It made me so happy when he started it, just like when he said "I love you" first.

I almost thought he liked me at the point where we had hooked up, a couple of times. But. I talked to him, kinda, made sure to kill that idea, even with what Bec and Sach were saying. I know he didn't. He practically told me. It hurt when I knew that. Because I was letting myself like him. So I stopped that. But we still hooked up. He was a good kisser >.<

He was perfect, to me. I saw all his flaws, and I loved him all the more for it. I don't want to let go. He means so much to me. He was first and foremost, my best friend. Never to be anything more, but I never wanted him to be less again. I knew we weren't going to stay friends for ever, but I sure wanted to be friends for a long long time. And not have it end like this.

I guess, in a way, he broke my heart. As a friend.

I don't want a boyfriend. I kinda do. Why not? I'm scared of committing to another person. I'm not ready for a relationship for a number of reasons I may go into later, but I still want that security and level of caring about me. Eh, I'm watching NCIS. End of this very odd and awkward blog...

1 comment:

  1. How very interesting and odd, :P

    strange topic to talk about


    love you