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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Hello world, this is me

For those of you who have recently started following my blog or would just like to know more about me, this is a little info on who I am and an indication of some of the matters I have and will continue to blog about. (:

One more thing before I begin, thank you very much for following and leaving comments, it's a great encouragement (:

I laugh a little too loud at my own jokes, I love a little too recklessly, and accidentally push away those I care about far too often...

I'm a little idealistic, I want to believe the best of everyone. At the same time, I'm that tiny bit cynical.

I want attention but hate it when I get it; I'm incredibly optimistic for a negative person, and I'm just as much of a contradiction as I'm sure you are.

To say I'm over-dramatic is something of an understatement; I overreact to each small incident as though it's World War III...

I love using quotes and song lyrics to explain how I feel and what I believe in.

I wish on stars and 11.11, although I don't believe in it. Just in case. Maybe you'll come back. I'm waiting. Hoping. With no idea what else I can do anymore.

I use faces a lot while typing to express the tone in which I'm saying something, sorry if it's irritating but I'm using age as my excuse. The main ones you'll see me use are :) ;) :( (: >=( >=| ;P :P :@[angry] :$ which are mainly derived from MSN. Then, there are these, which rather than being 90degrees off, are to be looking at full on - >.< which is a glare and >.> a sideways glare. I'm not assuming you're stupid or anything; I didn't understand what they were without an explanation.

Hey, at least I don't text type! Incorrect grammar is something I hate. Remember, I'm Australian, so it's not a spelling error when I write things like "realised" rather than "realized" or "centre" instead of "center"; we measure our temperature in degrees Celsius, weight in mg/g/kg, length in cm/m/km, etc. Sorry if that sounded at all pompous, it wasn't meant to be.

I'm really easily peer pressured, it's probably a good thing that on the important matters I have friends I want to please equally who have opposite views, and I tend to side with the safer ones, at least for now.

Call me old fashioned but I believe that marriage is something that should last forever, while divorce is understandable in some cases, a lot of the times, problems can be worked out if that's what both parties really want. I want to marry someone who I know without a doubt I want to spend the rest of my life with, who will feel the same about me.

People are the most important thing, above popularity, wealth, success, above anything else; I strongly believe that every person is equal. This does not mean that everyone is equal in skill levels etc., but rather that as a human being, they have feelings, hopes, beliefs, and different things they can contribute to our global society, and as humans they are worth no more or no less than any other, whether royalty or homeless person.

Money and possessions don't guarantee happiness.

The movement "To Write Love On Her Arms" is something incredibly meaningful to me, I can't quite put into words just how much it means; for something that has helped me gain the courage to live life, to take a stand for myself against the very worst of me, to believe in hope and to keep going, how can I explain that? Renee Yohe, who is the reason the movement began, is someone I look up to greatly. Read her story here

I believe in the need for community, that we all need each other. We are made to interact and live with one another. We are meant to support and depend on each other as necessary. It is the best way to live, sharing each others' burdens.

I believe that "Global is not a nice idea. Global is reality", that we as humans need to put aside what society tells us is important - putting self before everyone else. For my blog on that, click here.

Jamie Tworkowski's [of To Write Love On Her Arms] blog on the subject is here.

I believe in God but I am not a Christian, although I believe in everything it is about and was brought up in Christian home.

I believe that everyone deserves forgiveness and a second chance. Perhaps even a third or fourth, perhaps even more. Whether a person is capable of forgiving someone harmful actions that many times is another matter. But people do change. And if we don't give everyone another chance when they request one, how will we ever know if they are one of those who deserve this chance, who will change? Maybe I'm a little too forgiving...

I used to self harm and while I have stopped now [since the 2nd of July, 2008], and I strongly believe for good, it is something which has overreaching consequences and I still struggle with the urges to. I had attempted to stop in previous years, but relapsed a couple of times, but I think I am strong enough and have the right motives for wanting to stop this time. This used to take the form of cutting, burning, hitting my head, overdosing on painkillers, etc. It is something I feel is not talked about enough and many people write it off as something done by someone seeking attention, or "emos" or those who are suicidal. This is not the case and I think it is important to raise awareness about the realities of this issue.

I am 16 years old and in 2009 will be starting my final year of high school. With my interests being literature and society and environment, I will be doing English Studies, Classical Studies, German and Biology/preferably Modern History. After high school I want to go to Uni. I think I would like to be a nurse so this is what I am planning to study, however I love writing and dream of being a published author someday as well. My reasons for wanting to be a nurse are mainly that I passionately want to do something to help people, although I am fairly open and flexible as to where this may take me.

Writing is something I have done for years now, and it is something I have always seemed to be fairly good at, as others have told me. I am not so confident in my own skills, but would love to accept this. I'm told my writing seems far more mature than that of a sixteen year old, I'm happy with that. I find writing to be helpful when I am upset, confused, etc. I have rarely felt as helpless as when I was not able to express my emotions. I love writing narratives as well, as you can see in my other blog, however I am working on doing so with more regularity.

My family consists of my parents and my one younger sister, younger by 364 days ^_^
I don't get along with my mum at all, my dad somewhat, but my sister and I are fairly close these days (: I am very protective of her. And regardless, I love my family. My parents are Indian but both I and my sister were born here in Adelaide, South Australia and I consider myself Australian. In 1998 and 1999, my family lived in Auckland, New Zealand, and although it was great, we ultimately moved back here to Adelaide, which I have to say is even better, although many people hate it since it's so quiet and there isn't a lot to do...

This year has been a turbulent one for me. I became even closer with my two girl best friends and became best friends with the guy who lives across the road from me and also goes to the same school in the same year level. Three months ago within one and a half weeks, lost them all permanently, or so I thought. Miserable because of this, I resorted to overdosing on painkillers at school in an attempt to stop thinking just for a while. The last time I had done this was the 12th of November, 2007. My other friends who realised what I had done told our homegroup teacher; an ambulance was called, and I had to spend that night and the next day in hospital attached to a drip.

Lots of things have changed since then, I now see a counsellor regularly =/ but she's actually great. I think you'll find I am actually a very positive and hopeful person. I am still hoping to fix things with my friends, and just two days ago, my guy friend who I had completely given up on having him as a friend again began to talk to me. Things are still awkward but hope is pulsing through my veins so strongly that I am getting swept away. My friends mean a lot to me, but I overreact a lot.

During the self harm, I had been told that it was something I would later regret; however I cannot bring myself to regret any of it. There is no point in ruing the past, when we cannot change it. We can change the future and that is what we should focus on. Any bad experience can be made good of if we choose to, and often these things that we live through can be used to help other people. That is what I hope to do, to be able to help others who are struggling with the same things by understanding what they have gone through and using my knowledge to benefit them in some way, as Renee of TWLOHA has done for me and so many others. In her words, "that is what the pain was for, and that is worth it all, and more."

I will add to this later and any help from any of my friends who read this would be great ;P But that's all for now. (:


  1. Reading your story pains me, it really does. I am glad you sought out help because you are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. I know what a cliche that is, but screw it, it's true.
    On my blog I wrote about my own struggles with depression and how my therapist helped me. Please please please don't give up on therapy. I'm only 27 but am already seeing how people who struggled in high school are on top of the world now.

    That being said, thanks for stopping my blog and following. You got yourself a new follower too.

  2. Thanks for sharing. Its hard to believe you are only 16. You write very well in my opinion.

  3. Yeah, I liked this blog a lot.

    I definitely think liked the "I want attention but hate it when I get it; I'm incredibly optimistic for a negative person, and I'm just as much of a contradiction as I'm sure you are." quote.

    Like Mulled Vine said, you do write very well for 16. I'm only 19, and don't have that much room to judge, but you're at least as good as I am if not better.

    I've been subscribed for awhile now, but haven't really had much of a chance read any of my subscriptions because of school and stuff, but now that I have slightly more time, this will definitely be one I'll try to venture to as much as possible.

  4. Wow!!, Out of all things nice to know that you have Indian parents just like me. I would love to come to Aussie land when I get a job, I have a friend over there who says its a very beautiful place. I started reading this post hoping you would tell your whole story and you did not disappoint me. But, I was somewhat sad to hear about the things that you had to go through. Nice to know you are out of it.. All I can say is do not put all your trust into someone unless you really know he/she loves you. Otherwise you will be left with a broken heart.

  5. You are very talented in the way you are able to express yourself through your writing. Perhaps it serves as a catharsis,so true for many of us who blog and are able to write how we feel about various things with a degree of anonymity.
    I hope you continue in therapy and that you are able to benefit by talking with someone.

  6. I know you may feel high school is important now, but remember when you were eight and a toy was important to you. Things change. Your whole life is ahead of you. There are plenty of times I wish I could start over and be sixteen with my future ahead.

    Getting help is the best thing you can do. Trust me the best is yet to come, and you'll be able to work through all this. You're a talented writer and that bodes well for you. Good luck!

  7. Lol you have many followers. I'm proud to say that nothing in this blog is something I don't already know. And I'm proud that I actually saw this whole change. I think I'm just proud of you in general. But you already know that. "I am a story, as are you." I'm just glad our stories overlap.

  8. "During the self harm, I had been told that it was something I would later regret; however I cannot bring myself to regret any of it."
    I agree with that sentence. A lot.

    "People are the most important thing,"
    That whole paragraph I really agree with. I've tried to explain that to people before but can never find the words. You just explained it so well.

    I agree with all of those people that you write well. I love how you write. Always have.

    Just thought you might like to know =P

  9. Cynta, personally i feel that paragraph has much to be improved on, but i'd say it's an adequate explanation, it puts across its point, although not as eloquently as i would like.

    and not to sound incredibly stuck up, but i know you love how i write. ;P simply because you have told me before, and you are nothing if not usually honest. and you've said it enough that i'm sure you mean it.

    and thank you (:

  10. I suppose you shouldn't display this comment. I just wanted to say that I'm going to read this tomorrow. I can tell it's well-written and emotional on an initial skimming. I'll find the time tomorrow, I promise.

  11. Ehh. I just have heaps of trouble explaining how I think. It really annoys me.

    I hate to be dishonest. Generally I'll find a way around saying something so that I don't have to lie.
    But if I say that I like something then I mean it.