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Sunday, January 11, 2009

"This love has taken its toll on me"

Why have I been awake since 5 AM? A dream. A dream so ridiculously realistic I (for the first time) didn't know where I was when I woke. I tried writing about it, but it didn't seem right. So I shall try again later.

Acceptance. I desperately, obviously, pathetically long for acceptance. I thought that was more of a particular need of mine, and the way I go about feeling wanted and needed is most certainly not common to everyone. However, I have been reading a book called "Soul Cravings" by Erwin Raphael McManus. It, essentially, looks at the three things that we as humans desire most, at the core of our beings, and attempt to find throughout life. It looks at our "quest for love, quest for destiny, and a quest for meaning". The part on love, at least, is brilliant.

I have skipped to "meaning" and it's not so great for now. But love. It's amazing how much of what has been writing in this section are ideas I have thought, expressed; or if not, resonated within me as something incredibly true. I have begun to understand just a little more of why I do the things I do.

I am an attention seeker. I know I am, however much I hate it. I don't ask for attention in entirely overt ways, but you can see it in the things I do. I don't want to ask for attention, as such, because that would be beside the point for me. Which point?

I have a desperate need to feel loved, wanted, needed. I hate how needy I am. But doesn't everyone need this, after all? Perhaps they don't feel it so consciously as I, but deep within us all, we desire others to value us. We need to be needed. It validates us. It makes our lives meaningful. Of course, there are other things that also give our lives meaning, and we can't live without meaning either; but relationships are a necessary part of humanity. You can deny it, but we are relational creatures.

We may turn our backs on this need, seek to isolate ourselves from everyone else, saying that we don't need anyone else. But why do we do this? Because we have been hurt by others. Which can only happen when we care about others, when we have relationships with others. When we feel the pain is too much to take, we can easily turn away. But turning away doesn't remove our need for others. We were made to be together, to interact, to love. There is an emptiness that comes from somewhere inside us, when there is something of love we are missing.

We abuse love, mistake love, throw away love, ignore and forget love; but at the end of the day, if we don't have love, what do we have?

"The great danger of giving up on love is that we begin to give in to hate. A place where there is no love is toxic to the soul.

When we love, we are moved toward forgiveness.When we allow hate to take over, we begin to live for vengeance."

A life lived in hatred is not my idea of life. It seems like a life where something essential has died, leaving a blackness, a deadness. Forgiveness is important to me. Not forgiveness in which we continue allow ourselves to be hurt. But forgiveness where we accept what another, or we, have done to ourselves or others, acknowledge the hurt, but let it go. It is one of the hardest things to accomplish, forgiving someone who has truly hurt us. And yet, one of the best things we can do in our lives. Sometimes forgiveness just doesn't come in one hit. And it's not always a one off act. You may need to forgive one act, one person, continually. Every minute, every hour, every day, you may wake up and have to forgive. Letting go of pain doesn't come about that easily. But in the end it is the best course to take.

Love is abused.

"Love isn't about volume. Love isn't about conquest. When we live like this [talking about "womanisers"], there's something deeper going on inside us that we're trying to ignore, even drown out. We are alone, disconnected, and deficient in love. Deep down inside we know we cannot fill the vacuum within our souls by consuming people. We are not only robbing others, we are pillaging our own souls.

Eventually it hits you: you cannot take love; you have to give it. Love is a gift that cannot be stolen".

We crave love, and I can see this in my own life, in the lives of people around me, in the writings of people I don't even know.

"How can you make sense of a person who moves from one relationship to another, making her body the object of another's pleasure of abuse, except to acknowledge the painful reality that human beings fear almost nothing more than being alone [On women in abusive relationships]?"

Love is an endless topic and I have much to say; the idea of such a mixture is somewhat terrifying, but it is 6.53 in the morning and I would like some sleep before church. So there will be a part two, I'm sure you're looking forward to it. ^_^ lol.


  1. I don't know what you really think, but judging from what I've read here so far, I believe you and I have one fundamental difference in the way we approach love, friendship and life.

    I always, always, always prefer things to be simpler. I don't like to overthink things. I don't like to worry about school, family, friends, and losing, or even finding, myself. I am confident because of this and I feel liberated enough to not fear how others will perceive me or how others will judge me. My life is simple when I really think about it and I need my future to be simply lived as well.

    On that note, when it comes to love, love does, indeed, offer a lot of stuff to talk about as it's so universal, yet so subjective. Perhaps more than anything, though, I do not think that love should be thought about in too much detail. We always describe love to be 'pure', but what does that mean exactly? Good love or love that is clear?

    To me, it is simply pure emotion. Reason can only take you so far, logic can only attach certain attributes to the emotions we feel, but love is felt, love is expressed. Love cannot be rationalized, ever, and really, reason can only take you so far. I have had one girl who, for all logical reasons, should have been with me, and I with her, but because she solely lacked the loving emotion, we aren't together today.

    So, to sum up my thoughts on this post, and to iterate something clearly about my own blogs to you for your knowledge, I don't like to overthink things. But I will think about things and express those thoughts enough so that I can sort out my points inside my head and so that I can get my point across.

    I like things simple. You, yourself, say you love to go on and on, 'early morning ramblings' you call them. I like reading them, but because I like simplicity, this is our difference. If you want my thoughts on any one idea you've presented here, feel free to ask, I find them all interesting, but I cannot comment upon everything. It is too much overthinking for my taste.


  2. I just noticed the title. She really has said 'goodbye' too many times before...

  3. Hey... I noticed that you stopped by Broken Mannequin today and I wanted to say hi.

    You seem very intelligent and insightful - but you also seem very hard on yourself...

    I look forward to reading more and getting to know you better.

  4. "To me, it is simply pure emotion. Reason can only take you so far, logic can only attach certain attributes to the emotions we feel, but love is felt, love is expressed. Love cannot be rationalized, ever, and really, reason can only take you so far"

    I agree with that. Completely.

    But I also think about things a lot. I enjoy these 'deep in thought' moments. I can sit for upwards of an hours and not realise that I've been thinking for so long.

    It's easy to like things to be simple, but life rarely is. In my opinion.
    Life always throws complex things and complex problems at us. Sometimes the only solutions are complex.

  5. This is probably a rather inappropriate place to write this, but I can't find anywhere else, lol.

    Yes, I do know who you are. =D
    Maybe I should have been more subtle with the whole The Who stuff. But meh. I'm bad at being mysterious and cryptic.

    And as for this post, which I feel I should comment on because otherwise this comment would be completely irrelevant, there are some very good points in there. =D

  6. Michael - Agreed. I don't think love can be explained anyway, but I still like to think about it. And yeah, I like to know the reasons behind things, why we do certain stuff. Because while I don't want there to be logic behind everything, I like there to be mystery in things; I still like to find that there is a little bit of sense in what we do.

    It would be great if life were simple, but it's not... And as such, there's a lot for me to write about ;P

    Not to mention that I am so easily distracted and go off on tangents which are hopefully at least related to the tangent directly prior and after it...

    Cynta - It's still a little strange to hear you admit that reason doesn't need to be in everything...

    I like the last paragraph you wrote. And if life were really that simple, it might be a little too easy, a little boring, even. Life is too hard for a lot of people, they lose their hope and sense of meaning; that is one of the worst things that can happen. But if there is something we believe in that is worth living for no matter what, then we can keep going... Eh there is relevance to what i'm saying in my mind, but the connection is something I haven't quite put into words just yet, my mind is drifing with thoughts of noodles lol.

    Charli - Your blog looked good, however I usually start following blogs and intend to look at them later, when I may leave a few comments. And I'll definitely read all your posts from the time I start following you. (:

    Thanks (:

  7. Jacynta: Thank you for your insight. In my experience, I have been in complicated love situations, with familial love being the hardest to deal with in particular. I believe people get too caught up in other emotions, whether it be anxiety or anger, thus leading to problems becoming 'complex'. At the root of things, everything is simple, everybody's intentions are simple, everybody's feelings are simple. We just need to remember that love either is or isn't there and not get too caught up with the difficulties of experiencing love or 'a sort of love'. People often forget the point in talking or arguing about love...

    I generally like having deep discussions with people (as I'm doing now). However, I feel a lot of the time, people don't think before they speak, whereas I think a lot more than I speak. If I can go deep into conversation with another that's thought things through, I'd be happy to talk about any profound subject matter. But I generally need myself and the interlocutor to keep in mind that there's a point to all the talking, that there's an end-point where we both can come to an agreement.

    If there's no conclusion/resolution, why talk endlessly? Waste of my breath/time in my opinion.


  8. Michael - I think emotions themselves are simple. But when you have a bunch of people with different perspectives, ideas and intentions, that is what becomes complex.

    I need to think more before I speak, that's for sure. Working on it.

    On that last point, never ever try having a discussion of any sort with my mum ;P Not that that's likely to happen...

  9. You think you're a needy person?
    I wait up all night for someone I've never even met to wake up, just so he can say "ly2 shweet dreams".
    we can have a who's the neediest competition lol.
    Happy memories only. XO

  10. "Cynta - It's still a little strange to hear you admit that reason doesn't need to be in everything..."

    It probably would be for you. But I have changed so much since you knew me well.
    It was ridiculous for me to ever think that I could find a reason to everything. I was an ignorant fool. Sometimes things just really aren't that simple.

    Thanks (about the paragraph). I kinda get what you're talking about.

    Michael: For me to say something truely insightful tends to be rare (my thoughts are often muddled and I become easily confused), but I have my moments.
    Generally I'll either not think before I speak, or I'll think too much before I speak and not know how to phrase what I want to say. A great frustration of mine. However, I do enjoy debating issues with people.

    Personally, I don't think emotions are simple at all. If they're so simple, then why can't people explain them? Why is love so hard to explain if it is so simple? Why is it so hard to exlain exactly what happiness is?
    Maybe the emotions themselves are simple, but once you find a person experiencing one of these emotions it loses all its simplicity. Because people are complex. The human mind is complex.
    Emotions are unexplainable. Because to me, words can never do them justice. Words can never fully explain just how wonderful, or terrible, the emotion actually is.
    Now I have lost my train of thought and can't continue. Damn.

    I've gone on for too long anyway.

    I hope I made some sense.

  11. Don't you love how i call you cynta? ;P

    Haha i actually did realise that, that's why i said "Still", because even knowing that, you're not the same as you were, obvs.

    Things don't need to be complicated to be unexplainable. Love in its purest form is simple... And yet still undefined. Words only do so much.

  12. Curses, you smashed my entire argument in like 4 sentences.

    And the cynta thing, meh. Heaps of people do.