So it's a new year. I want it to feel different. I want to feel different. We're in a different state but it could be just another day in 2008. And yesterday, it was. Maybe the day before actually, is it past 12? I can't be bothered checking the time, but probably.
I've never been incredibly keen on birthdays. But one thing I really hate is how it never feels any different. Perhaps I place too much stock on feelings. And yet, every year, on my birthday, when some adult jovially says, "It doesn't feel any different, does it?", I reply with "no", because I never expected to feel any different, it's just another day, I'm just another day older than the year before. But I still wish something would change. Sure, things do change. Hit sixteen in Australia and you can apply for your Learner's License. Seventeen and you can legally have sex. Eighteen and you can buy alcohol, must vote, and would be tried as an adult in a court of law. According to law, you are an adult at eighteen. But who is the law to say?
Different people reach the point of maturity people would call adulthood at different times. Some may never even reach it. But years, ages, they're all just numbers, that essentially, don't really mean that much.
I woke up today and I still have the same feelings, I still miss my best friends and want them back, I still worry about my sister and want her to be happy and instead see her desperately sad; and feel helpless knowing that I can't do anything to help, hoping time will help, and less time rather than more, but knowing that with her self value, time may make it worse (post on that coming soon); I still know that I am selfish in too many ways, I still determine to change that each morning but forget in the space of a few minutes, I still hate my weight, I still try to decide if I like what I see in the mirror, I still get angry at mum and lose my temper too easily... So much is the same but I guess the idea of the New Year is that a new time has begun, an ending of the period before, when really, time continues on endlessly, relentlessly; and as such a new chance has presented itself for us. To make better on the time gone, to move past our mistakes, to go forward. Is that what the New Year is for?
Keeping times and dates is all well and good, we mark the events in our lives by these things, but if we allow ourselves to be ruled by the clock, then that is something I feel is somewhat wrong. We should note time, appreciate time, understand that we have a time to fit everything in, that we do not last forever, but I think if we rush to fit things into a schedule just to get everything done within a time frame, then we can make a great mistake. Don't get me wrong, schedules are a good idea, for work and such; but if we try to plan our personal lives in a way that we must cram family and people into spaces that are left by the essentials such as work and sleep, we can end up just trying to allot them a slice of our time, so that this becomes more of another task on our organiser, something we do so we know it has been done and we have fulfilled our duty.
I'm talking crap again, I know, what I'm saying again doesn't make all that much sense, confused with several different ideas together. Sorry, I get like this when I'm tired. Ignore the previous paragraph pl0x (:
Anyway, I wish you all a Happy New Year (I think for the second time?), and that it may be safe, happy and that you may grow and love and laugh and live, and only be bettered by years to come. (: Thanks to all the followers of my blog, this and the other, at the moment known as "Head In The Clouds". Thanks to everyone who has commented and to all you other bloggers out there who's blogs I have been blessed with reading.
Congratulations to That Damn Expat on your wedding on New Year's Eve, and a shout out here to Michael Rivera who has been most caring and supportive and not to mention a wonderful blogger whose posts I always eagerly read even when I fail miserably at commenting them, although I have things to say in response to most of his posts. Which reminds me Michael, your "2008 in review" post which I forget the actual name of, was great and I will comment it and your more recent posts soon, I promise! I am hoping that we will become good friends, I think the beginnings have definitely been sown (:
Yet another mention for Diary of an Old Fart", great blog, thank you so much for this gift to the blogging world, Mulled Vine (:
Anyway, to bed I must go, seven o' clock morning tomorrow. Some market or something. (I'm in Melbourne with my aunt's family at the moment)