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Friday, January 16, 2009

I'm trying to be positive.

I swear. I try so hard.
But I see the pictures of the life you're living without me, and the fun that you're having, without me. And it doesn't matter to you.
And I wish I didn't exist.
You make me feel like I don't.
That I may as well not.
And I want to live.
I want to take hold of life with both hands and live it to the fullest, as fiercely as I can.
But it's hard when you can dismiss me and my attempts to fix things so easily.
When the people who mean the most to me are suddenly absent from my life and I find myself feeling guilty for being able to laugh while this situation stretches on. For being happy even without them. I have the right to be happy without them. But I don't want to let myself.
I always said I couldn't live without you. And when I found out I could, that seemed to me the greatest betrayal I could make. So I set out to prove myself right.
I don't want to live without you, no. I will miss you no matter what. But I want to prove that I will be constantly miserable without you. To who? For what purpose?
Is it really all some kind of pathetic thought that if they see how much I need them they will come back?
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm thinking.

I'm sorry. I know. I've been posting about this several times a week since I began this blog. But it's been in my thoughts every hour of every day for the last five, almost six months. It's not getting much easier for me. They still mean so much to me. And as such, they are something I will continue to write about.


  1. I know how you feel, but maybe its time you start to treat yourself better and forget the past. We cannot change the past, all we can do is live in the present preparing for the future. If somebody does not need you or acts like that, make yourself feel the same way, avoid them too. I know its hard and I think writing about it and telling it to someone takes a part of the load away, so continue to do so. No need to apologize for what "you" write on "your" blog. Take care. Everything's going to be fine.

  2. thanks, both of you... (:
    I know, it's just that the situation is partly my fault anyway and they have been hurt by it too. I still want to fix things because these friends of mine mean so much and they have helped me through so much before, they may not seem like it now but they are truly really good friends. just not right now...