I swear. I try so hard.
But I see the pictures of the life you're living without me, and the fun that you're having, without me. And it doesn't matter to you.
And I wish I didn't exist.
You make me feel like I don't.
That I may as well not.
And I want to live.
I want to take hold of life with both hands and live it to the fullest, as fiercely as I can.
But it's hard when you can dismiss me and my attempts to fix things so easily.
When the people who mean the most to me are suddenly absent from my life and I find myself feeling guilty for being able to laugh while this situation stretches on. For being happy even without them. I have the right to be happy without them. But I don't want to let myself.
I always said I couldn't live without you. And when I found out I could, that seemed to me the greatest betrayal I could make. So I set out to prove myself right.
I don't want to live without you, no. I will miss you no matter what. But I want to prove that I will be constantly miserable without you. To who? For what purpose?
Is it really all some kind of pathetic thought that if they see how much I need them they will come back?
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm thinking.
I'm sorry. I know. I've been posting about this several times a week since I began this blog. But it's been in my thoughts every hour of every day for the last five, almost six months. It's not getting much easier for me. They still mean so much to me. And as such, they are something I will continue to write about.