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Thursday, February 19, 2009

"Never seen you fall so hard... Do you even know where you are?"

Remember the other day, how I said that I was feeling "glum"? Well, said glumness has returned with a vengeance. I haven't felt this low in a long, long time. It scares me to think that once, I felt this everyday, and worse. Those were terrible times, times when I didn't think I could keep going, but deep within knew that although I didn't know what they were, there were reasons not to give up.
This is bad enough.
I'm pretty sure it's the lack of sleep that is causing me to be so mopey/ weepy/ depressed(i hate using that word)/ whatever it is.
But even as I grow ever more easily upset with him as I talk to him, for no reason; I'll still keep it up just so we can share those pieces of conversation.
He can never get on till about 1 in the morning. I'm exhausted and trust me, I am running on coffee. Not that I'm running, good God, no. I am puttering along, with brief spurts of high energy and average moments; couple with an hour or so of utter exhaustion each day. This can't go on much longer. I'm not adjusting to such little sleep as I usually do after a period of a week. It's been two weeks, or so I believe.
Damnit, if I had known the boy from school two weeks earlier, things with him would never have started. And I've realised, although I'm handling this better than with other prior situations with boys, I'm still freaked out about ruining things with him. He was someone I'd always kinda wanted to end up in a longer term, proper relationship with, when I was ready. Because he was someone decent, unlike the others who I was just with, for the sake of it, I guess. Which is why I'd rather date the boy from school now, if he had liked me. Even though, like I told my sister yesterday, I don't want to be with anyone but him. And I'm scared that this, whatever it is between us now, will go wrong and ruin any possibilities. I don't know what I'm saying.
I need sleep. But I'm waiting for him to come online.

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