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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I am so freaked out right now. I was looking at followers and was checking out the blog of one of my newest followers. Remember the best friends I used to write about a lot? (And trust me I still think about them so much) Well from reading her blog and seeing her followers in turn, this girl is the best friend of one of those; they'd been friends since primary school. I don't know if she found my blog through following those others of us from my school, or if its because we have some similar favourite movies and the like, or how, but I'm majorly freaked out at the moment, because my friend is following her blog, and if she finds mine...
Let's just say I don't really want that.

I would give anything to reconcile this shit. Hell, if I knew if there was anything I could do to fix this, I would. But I don't have any fucking idea and do you know how fucking long it has been now??? Almost seven months. Seven months in which I have thought of them every day, and known I couldn't talk to them. No, I talked to each of them in person once, just a few lines of exchange, on the last day of school last year.

But, I don't know what to do. I don't know if anything can fix it. I don't think they care, or miss me at all. Do you know how much that hurts???

I've been refraining about writing about this on here because its what makes up most of the content of the first three months of this blog, but everyday when I see them at school, when I think of the time I could be spending with them in the lessons and frees we have together, do you know what that does to me???

I think, I'm okay. Like I said, I'm getting better. But not so much that it doesn't hurt. I don't know why I'm freaking out so badly about this. But things are building up again. Someone I love more than anything is struggling with her urges to force herself to throw up, again. She was past that. Like I'm past cutting, right? She tried the other day though, but couldn't. She was "out of practice". Why the hell should anyone even be in practice for something like that??? It's breaking my heart, because I want to help her so much, but I have to stand by and try to convince her not to, but knowing that whatever I or anyone else says, it may not be enough. I can only hope that she gets past this, but I cannot do anything.

I'm sick of not being able to do anything, or knowing what to do, to make things okay.

And I'd go back in time if I could, to that last day we spent together, although the ex best friend (who, by the way, has gone back to not talking to me at all; I don't fucking understand him) wasn't there and that in itself made me cry, just a little. It was a good day. And I still don't understand how I fucked the best thing in my life up so badly.

If I understood it, maybe that would make it better. Maybe not. But I don't know. I don't get it at all.

I didn't realise how good a job I'd done of suppressing this till now. Which is obviously how I've been able to keep going.

I need to go.

EDIT: [10.06PM] I'm slightly less agitated, watched my favourite TV show, and with that distraction and the passing of time, I may be able to sleep before 1AM. Fingers crossed. Although I need to do homework so actually, forget that. Let's go with 3AM and a truckload of coffee tomorrow in the morning. Damn I love the coffees at our local cafe. I swear, they get me through life.

In other news, I have this huge hickey on my neck that is kinda too far over to properly cover with my hair. I need to be really careful for the next week or so, especially around home. Chris came over this morning before our excursion and we just hung out (and made out) and I accidentally leaned on the part of the computer desk that slides out, on which the keyboard sits, while we were watching music videos on YouTube, and broke it. Said desk is only about two months old. The line on which it runs is mangled and I can't fix it. My dad, when he finds out, will kill me, because it doesn't move properly anymore. Needless to say though, it was quite funny. And typical of my accidental destruction of everything. You love it. And me too, of course. (And I still hope that won't change because I need you a lot more than you'll ever realise.)


  1. Hahaha the hickey part: flashback! You actually broke the desk?
    If your parents are somewhat similar to mine, I hope you're still alive!

  2. Well, my dad thinks I broke the desk later that night. He has partly fixed it, kinda.
    Yeah, well, my mum thinks I burnt my neck with the hair straightener...
    Major plus is that its almost faded, so, by church tomorrow, it shouldn't be there; saving some potentially highly awkward moments (: