thnks fr th mmrs

Well that was a traumatic phone call.

I don't want to even think about half of that conversation ever again.

I'm so uncomfortable with talking about certain things.

Although I suppose, everyone has their "taboo" topics.

But, shit.

I wasn't doing so great before that conversation and now I'm somewhat worse.

It was just uncomfortable and delved into stuff I do not ever want to talk about, and other stuff that I'm not ready to talk about yet. At least while sober.

And really, with all the shit that's happened every time, I should stop fucking drinking.

But I won't. Why?

I'm stupid.

I don't know why!

I need to attempt some homework. Caffeine dosage upcoming.

Only thing I can say is that I'm so grateful for seeing Justin on Sunday evening at church. That makes everything better. And I can't wait till we hang out.

I'm so sick of having no one to talk to about serious shit. I'm so sick of people not letting me know what I'm doing is stupid, in a nice way where I'll actually take it on board. I'm really, really over being stuck with myself constantly and having to carry this stuff around.

I hate the flashbacks of memory. Any memory. Every memory. And then especially those memories. I want to remove them. Anyone know if there's a delete button?

I may even start almost completely over. I don't want to keep remembering what I did, with this different, normal perspective. How I usually look at the world. I want to forget.

I'd forget you, and you, and you and you and you, and that night, and that night, and that time;

I'd definitely forget that. Was it my fault, or yours? A bit of both, I'd say. I wish I could say it was yours entirely. I really do. I lost much of my slowly building self respect there. And I wish that someone could say it wasn't my fault and that such a statement would be true. I wish that I could take it back take it back back back.

I hatehatehate that I did that. I hate how I'll never have a second chance. Nothing can change that.

(Although, I'll admit, if it would have fixed things with my friends in some crazy way, I'd do the same thing again. A thousand times over, not that it's quite possible. But as close as I could get.)

And as for you, well, I think I'd keep those memories. I don't want to forget that, forget you, or what you meant; or how special that was. I wouldn't forget you either, or you. Or you. I'd keep those memories, bittersweet as they are except for those with the last one of you.

Everything else, I think I would forget.

I've never been so full of regrets.

UPDATE (1:43AM) - And if I had the energy or the desire to try to protect myself, I'd be curled in a ball with my arms around my head. But how does one fight when the enemy is already inside?

The more I try to stop it, the faster the images come, flashes here and gone; in a cycle that can't stop, won't stop. And each time it's worse.

And I'd give myself to you in any way possible so that I exist no longer as my own self, but rather something for someone else. How do I explain that concept? If I was no longer a physical being, but rather, just a presence, something like a spirit who just filled the gaps in those who needed it and who I once loved; that would be easier. The responsibility of living sometimes feels like too much (that's now).

I don't want to be freefalling, I'd rather be drifting, emotionless.

I'll put my life on hold permanently; do you see it up on that shelf? Till I'm more faded than the words that I once wrote; I'll love you always, forever.

I'm barely aware of what I'm saying, can you tell?

Living takes an effort that sometimes I can't find, and I'm scrawling down these senseless words hoping that somehow I'll find my mind.

Wow, that rhymed.

EDIT (2.16AM): All I want right now is a coffee I can drown my thoughts in.

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I am so freaked out right now. I was looking at followers and was checking out the blog of one of my newest followers. Remember the best friends I used to write about a lot? (And trust me I still think about them so much) Well from reading her blog and seeing her followers in turn, this girl is the best friend of one of those; they'd been friends since primary school. I don't know if she found my blog through following those others of us from my school, or if its because we have some similar favourite movies and the like, or how, but I'm majorly freaked out at the moment, because my friend is following her blog, and if she finds mine...
Let's just say I don't really want that.

I would give anything to reconcile this shit. Hell, if I knew if there was anything I could do to fix this, I would. But I don't have any fucking idea and do you know how fucking long it has been now??? Almost seven months. Seven months in which I have thought of them every day, and known I couldn't talk to them. No, I talked to each of them in person once, just a few lines of exchange, on the last day of school last year.

But, I don't know what to do. I don't know if anything can fix it. I don't think they care, or miss me at all. Do you know how much that hurts???

I've been refraining about writing about this on here because its what makes up most of the content of the first three months of this blog, but everyday when I see them at school, when I think of the time I could be spending with them in the lessons and frees we have together, do you know what that does to me???

I think, I'm okay. Like I said, I'm getting better. But not so much that it doesn't hurt. I don't know why I'm freaking out so badly about this. But things are building up again. Someone I love more than anything is struggling with her urges to force herself to throw up, again. She was past that. Like I'm past cutting, right? She tried the other day though, but couldn't. She was "out of practice". Why the hell should anyone even be in practice for something like that??? It's breaking my heart, because I want to help her so much, but I have to stand by and try to convince her not to, but knowing that whatever I or anyone else says, it may not be enough. I can only hope that she gets past this, but I cannot do anything.

I'm sick of not being able to do anything, or knowing what to do, to make things okay.

And I'd go back in time if I could, to that last day we spent together, although the ex best friend (who, by the way, has gone back to not talking to me at all; I don't fucking understand him) wasn't there and that in itself made me cry, just a little. It was a good day. And I still don't understand how I fucked the best thing in my life up so badly.

If I understood it, maybe that would make it better. Maybe not. But I don't know. I don't get it at all.

I didn't realise how good a job I'd done of suppressing this till now. Which is obviously how I've been able to keep going.

I need to go.

EDIT: [10.06PM] I'm slightly less agitated, watched my favourite TV show, and with that distraction and the passing of time, I may be able to sleep before 1AM. Fingers crossed. Although I need to do homework so actually, forget that. Let's go with 3AM and a truckload of coffee tomorrow in the morning. Damn I love the coffees at our local cafe. I swear, they get me through life.

In other news, I have this huge hickey on my neck that is kinda too far over to properly cover with my hair. I need to be really careful for the next week or so, especially around home. Chris came over this morning before our excursion and we just hung out (and made out) and I accidentally leaned on the part of the computer desk that slides out, on which the keyboard sits, while we were watching music videos on YouTube, and broke it. Said desk is only about two months old. The line on which it runs is mangled and I can't fix it. My dad, when he finds out, will kill me, because it doesn't move properly anymore. Needless to say though, it was quite funny. And typical of my accidental destruction of everything. You love it. And me too, of course. (And I still hope that won't change because I need you a lot more than you'll ever realise.)

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Braja posted this on her blog.

"Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."
— Lao-Tze

I'm doing something stupid. We all know that. But it's not as bad as you think, if you must know my stance on the matter. When I wrote that a certain guy from school didn't matter because I liked Italics boy [read: him, --> thus Italics boy] I was trying to convince myself. Also because Italics boy was reading my blog at that point, and I didn't want to admit just how much I was attracted to the other guy. And I did like him, a little bit. But shhh.

Now, I really like him. Both of them... [Sorry, this is so long]

I hate being a teenager.

And uh, P.S. I hooked up with both of them.

On the same day.

I know I'm kinda with Italics Boy. But what does that even mean? Admittedly, it took extreme tiredness, prompting from a best friend, and a couple shots of Midori for me to hook up with the other one. Who is a much better kisser, by the way.

I am very confused, but secretly, I think I'm going to end up choosing the boy from school.

Italics Boy has this going for him:

- We have the same family / religious background with the same type of parents in regards to rules, etc.

- He can bear my paranoia really well, so far.

- He's reaaally nice

The cons being:

- I can rarely see him outside of church, with church being a place where I can talk to him for approximately 10 minutes once a week. Not even kidding, since I have other friends / acquaintances to speak to; and since I am now playing flute as part of the music team, that time has been further reduced.

- He gets really annoying sometimes

- He jokes about things I really don't feel comfortable with, such as the idea of me being pregnant...

- He always has so much homework, that we can barely talk. We can't talk on the phone because someone on his family would listen in, having three home phones; and we're not allowed to make calls to mobiles; also both of us are consistently short on [read: completely out of] mobile credit.

Yeah that's it.

He is really nice and stuff. But as for the other guy, who just by the way, seems to at least like me for more than my body. Which, Italics Boy also does, but it feels like it's more about that half the time. Of course, it is nice being told that you're hot. For like, the first three times. Then, it irritates the crap out of me... and makes me angry. But angry in a way where I won't actually say that I am, and then conversation on my side just becomes snappy and the other person is left wondering what the hell happened... Coz I'm like that.

Okay, other guy.

Pros

- He's kinda old school gentleman like. It's cute. Somewhat disconcerting, but then, I do have this expectation that every guy I end up with is using me or something... Even with Jimit, although we were kinda using each other... And then ended up liking each other. Goddamnit I want a conventional love story. The fairy tale kind... Not that I want to fall in love, yet. /runs for the hills.

- He is also really nice.

- Better kisser which doesn't count. Honestly. It's just a fact.

- I can see him all the time.

- Lynley (best friend) approves

- He doesn't care if I kiss [or get incredibly close with, since we are "lesbian buddies". But not really...] Lynley. Just on the lips, since her boyfriend only lets her make out with other girls if he's present. Not that I'm keen or anything... Okay, I am. I'm still perfectly straight.
That seems to be a rule a lot of boyfriends seem to have haha. And is why I should have taken the chance at her birthday party on Saturday where I hooked up with this guy for the first time. Although, Italics Boy definitely wouldn't mind either.

- He sends me cute text messages.

Cons

- He's too cute; for those of you who don't know I get scared off easily. Walking me to my lessons, putting away my books for me, etc. Weird. Cute, but freaky. And yeah, all the sweet stuff. Besides, he likes me a lot; "either way i'm not going down without a fight (: not literally but you get the idea lol (:". He has the advantage of knowing the situation with Italics Boy as well; Italics Boy being in the dark about this development; but he hasn't tried to make me choose him, although as he says, he is "obviously biased".

- That's about it, really. Oh and he tries to kiss me with other people around. Which I'm not comfortable with; but he doesn't do it much; I just care too much about what other people think, etc. And it's just awkward for others.


What I'm really pissed off about is the fact that my friends decided to have what was practically an "intervention", How I Met Your Mother style -



[it's within the last 5 minutes]

Okay, I hear that wasn't quite the plan, but when another three people came out to join the original one who wanted to talk to me, it became an intervention, a la the fabulous show. Without the banner and letters. I'm rather irritated since one of these people isn't someone I even consider to really be a friend of mine anymore; we are more friends of friends because, face it, we drifted poles apart nearly a year ago.

Of course, you could say I'm technically cheating on Italics Boy, that's what I said to this boy from school (who really needs a name) in between kissing him against the wall at Lynley's; but that is technically, since we aren't actually going out. And I have not being going through lots of guys lately. I agree, it would be better if I was the one getting hurt; but, shit. Jimit doesn't count because we were together October last year, at the latest. Cameron was not someone I was ever with. I just wanted to be friends with him, and I had no idea how to respond when he held my hand, put his arm around me, and kissed my forehead. I'm awkward like that. [And holy shit speak of the devil he just came on MSN.] The plan with him is, when I get credit, explain to him that I'm sorry, but I think I gave him the wrong idea, and I really just want to be friends.
Then there was Italics Boy and this guy, almost immediately after each other.

And I tried really hard to not like the boy from school. I kept mentioning Italics Boy, as one of my tactics. Apparently, though, he knew that's why I was doing it, because my feelings were in my eyes. Like I'm not obvious enough otherwise anyway. I tried to just think of him as a friend. But that didn't work so well. I wish he didn't actually like me in return, that he just wanted a hook up that night. But life is never that simple. Although that wouldn't be so simple either.

And thanks for telling him what you told me as well; he already knows the position both he and I are in (No sexual innuendo jokes please!), we have talked about it, and he is willing to wait for me to make my decision, and not try to rush me into it. Either way, he wants us to be friends, although both of us would find that really hard. He doesn't need you telling him what he already knows. By the way, you can tell me what you want, that is your right. Not to tell him your opinion.

I hate this situation in which I find myself (I only just found out today that it is technically incorrect grammar to end a sentence with a preposition, although, yes, I did do this in the previous paragraph). For the last week, I have been wishing that I had met the boy from school just two weeks earlier. Which indicates something about which I might choose... But I am not deciding anything for sure yet! I need a little bit more time.
I did not try to engender this; I didn't ask for it; and I can never help who I like! I'd tried to stop myself liking the ex best friend, I'd tried to stop liking David; either way, I have no control over it. I know, I don't have to follow through on my feelings, but when they are reciprocated... and when I have such terrible self control...

Never good.

Sigh.

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"And it hurts because it should"

I feel very flat at the moment. Yesterday, he kissed me, in the toy section of Myer (random, I know lol. I also happened to not realise and moved, thus making it slightly awkward, as I tend to do... It's only the second time I've done this, and the first was far more awkward! This was still cute lol), and then later, again. I did not expect that, considering how long it took for him to hold my hand (lol). I'm not keen on kissing in public, and I hate those kissing photos so many people have... for a start, it was obviously posed because you're holding the goddamn camera! Does everyone really want to see your faces mushed against each other everytime your profile comes up on MySpazz or Failbook? Is it necessary? Really?
I also do have one of those pictures with Jimit (I'll explain him later), but it was his idea (I'm terrible at saying no to a lot of things, which is how) and I hid my copy of it never to look at again as soon as I got home...
If you want them, that's fine, but as a default pic? Please.

I'm also really not one to make first moves, so that's a definite plus. And I like him a lot. In a more permanent way than usual. Like Jimit, who would be the closest thing to a boyfriend I've had (we've come to an agreement that we will say we actually did go out because we pretty much did unofficially and secretly. Which means I have cheated on a boyfriend, and I felt bad enough about it at the time.), but slower, somehow. Better. Because after my drunken mistake, I'm feeling pretty fragile, like I've said. One guess as to what happened! =/ I'll blog about it soon, I promise...

But anyway, being happy with me only tends to last for a certain amount of a time, and then I grow drained from it. Of course, I am also sleep deprived. I fell asleep today at school in English Studies, as did three of my friends, and then, upon arrival in Biology, walked straight into a door... Lols all around.
I have had a lot of late nights lately, what with MSN and phone calls with him, but last night was an early one. Obviously it's catching up about now.

So, right now, nearly any little thing that goes wrong is making me feel upset, even though I am trying to fight it. I'm slightly, vaguely happy that I am actually trying to fight this instead of just letting it take over like I usually do; that's different. Definitely positive.

His MSN / computer keeps cutting out and he keeps going offline while I'm talking to him; he has no webcam because his dad has taken their family laptop with the inbuilt webcam on a daytrip to Sydney, so I can't see him when I am talking to him; he has a lot of homework and I feel like I am distracting him by talking to him but I still want to... my two friends are kinda mad at me since I broke my rule and ditched them in town yesterday to hang out with him (friends before guys, I forget the official saying lol, the female version of "bros before hoes") and I do feel really bad about it... but not really... Which is what I feel worse about. My sister is listening to Jimmy Eat World, who, while I love their music, always make me sad. And to top it off, having asked him to not read my blog, I feel really bad since he obviously wants to, but I would be way too embarassed to write about him in that instance. He keeps asking why he can't, which is making it slightly worse...

I'm altogether rather glum about such little things all put together, and my arms are covered in black permanent marker with Fall Out Gay (concert tomorrow, my friends are delirious with excitement, and rather unintelligible) lyrics, and the word "douche" repeatedly. Just to confirm this, it is also stated that I am the douche; and then I have a couple more pen drawings of what turned out to be an "alien nanny" with an "apron that looks like a penis", and a "tranny mom"... My hip and ankle have also been similarly adorned. While the artwork delights me and I wish I could leave it inked onto my skin forever, my mother has already chucked a spazz at the amount of writing on my arms. Forget about "writing love on her arms", writing douche on her arms is the way to go! [/sarcasm]

Just a small portion of my Sharpie graffiti

For those of you who aren't aware, "douche", at least here in the highly cultivated Adelaide, is the new "loser"/"retard"/etc.

Just as an aside, doesn't the term "fucktard" make you think of custard tarts, or is that just me? And yes, I raise my eyebrows and look down on anyone who actually uses it...

Blogging has cheered me up somewhat, I must confess, but I'm still stuck in a moment of paranoia that as I reveal more of myself to him and he realises that I am even less of "a good good two shoes" as I apparently appear to be in church (which is great, for then I have achieved my aim ;D it's rather awkward to socialise sometimes with my parents and sister around. Although really, it's just another, nicer side of me.), that he will stop liking me, and realise I'm not what he wants at all. I think he sounded slightly dstanced when I was talking to him on MSN just before, but it's MSN for God's sake, and he does have homework he's doing. I always read into things what isn't there, but what if it actually was..?
I'm definitely taking a chance here in actually letting myself really like him... I'm scared it will go wrong.

"I could never be the one that you want, don't ask."


How are you today my blogging friends? (:

xx

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Oooooodles of Noodles

I love noodles. Really. Chinese food is great. Indian-Chinese is also good. Seriously, in the four year gaps between our visits to India, I draw up from my memory the taste of food from a nearby Chinese restaurant to my nana's home in Pune, India, time and time again. It sustains me as I pass by the days, eating mediocre food. Haha well, not exactly.

And, please, explain to me this fascination with Indian food people seem to have. It's good, but not that good. It delights me to find non-Indians /people from similar countries who dislike or at least don't love Indian food. That's one more person to shove in the face of my parents as evidence that not all others love Indian food and I am not just strange and alone in my non-loving view of it. Or something.

Then, I love 2 minute noodles, noodle cups, and stir fry, etc. Any noodles are good. (:

However, there is a problem when it comes to my eating of noodles...


I am rather uncoordinated. If I was easily embarrassed, I am of no doubt that my face would permanently be a bright red. Although, I'm not too sure if my face actually does turn red when I am embarrassed, since my skin is dark(ish), but... metaphorically speaking...

Anyhow, much laughter is had at my expense, on my side as well. Our sloped driveway has me tripping almost every time I get out of the car, I fall over while simply walking, stumble on nothing, and drop things a lot. As for my phones, they're lucky to survive as long as they do. I believe my mobile comes into abrupt contact with the ground at least twice everyday, no matter how much care I attempt to take. I'm forgetful and easily confused; not to mention incredibly disorganised.

It's not even that I'm disorganised as such. Really. ;P I love organisation. I love matching sets of items.
The problem, you see, is that I am too organised. If something is messy, I want it organised. But I have a specific pattern that things must be in. I will not half organise. I want matching kitchenware, complementary furniture in a room... Matching holders on a desk, rooms with a particular style to them. It drives me absolutely crazy how, in our house, some of the furniture in a room would be appropriate for a country style home, others fitting for a simplistic, modernised set up, yet others casual and comfy in earthy shades; or bright colours; with others formal... the list is endless. I see all the possibilities to theme different rooms, or the same room in different themes. I considered interior designing as a possible future career but I passionately want to have a job where I can help people in important areas, make a difference in people's lives, not their homes.

Okay, our home doesn't clash that terribly, and thank god. I am still irked by the lack of a theme. (And yet, I hate themed parties. Dress up parties, that is. If I had loads of money to go out and create fantastic costumes, they would be fine. As it is, working with my $35 of pocket money per month and added grade money each term [remind me to do really well at school this year!], it is not something that brings great joy to my heart. [I really really want a Star Wars themed party some day, just by the way. I would be Queen Amidala LOL.])

How am I too organised? Well, if I can't organise something perfectly, I refuse to organise it at all. When I clean my room, I haul out everything out from the depths of my wardrobe, dresser, and under my bed. This, firstly, makes my room messier than it is, and is more time consuming. My mum cannot understand it. She says I should do things one at a time, i.e. clean the outer messiness and at another time do all the concealed stuff. But I want to do it all in one shot. And of course, I must take advantage of my mood. When I start doing something, if I leave it unfinished, I am likely to leave it so for a long time.

When the urge to cook attacks, I will make three or more things in one hit. As for cleaning, when that urge comes, I clean everything I can possibly think of. Another point of complaint for my mum. She wants me to cook more, after all, I am sixteen, blah blah. When I do cook, she usually complains that my delectable (or not so) creation is unhealthy... Cleaning? "Good. Now if only you'd do it more often. (Also applies to the cooking scenario)" The woman is impossible to please, I swear.

I like my stationary to be matching and look good. What I write in and what I write with are very important to me. I like the expensive stuff. It's not on purpose, it happens with clothing too. I see it, I like it, I want it, I check the price tag and tend to be somewhat incredulous. I will not spend recklessly, always. Even if I really love something I find, if I find the price ridiculous, I will put it back (reluctantly) on the shelf and move on. Mostly. (Shoes are my biggest weakness. It seems it's a female thing. I fall in love with heels even faster and perhaps more often than I fall literally. Haha, I'm hilarious. >.< I think I've been around Jimit for too long.)

The point is, if something cannot be organised as well as I would like, I deign to organise it at all. Probably not the best way to go about life...

So. Uncoordinated. That's me. Ask my friends to recall a funny moment involving me, and it will either be an incredibly "blonde moment", or a time in which I fell down or off something. Without even trying, at least 5 events come to mind. I shan't go into those now... I was meaning to discuss noodles.

So, the other night, I was eating noodles from a noodle cup. When eating noodles, there are a few minor issues resulting from my lack of coordination which I urgently need to address. Firstly, I am incapable of twirling noodles onto a fork. How is it done??? I try, but as I turn the fork over to add more to the bundle of noodle, the previously twirled noodle untwirls off the fork... Then there is how noodles seem to, while being put on the fork, drag others along with them, so twirling can never be finished, even if successfully done. I suppose I could just cut it, but I'm too fearful that any twirling half accomplished will be completely undone by trying to cut the noodles. So I end up with noodles ends dangling from each side of my fork.

That is not all, folks. The worst is yet to come.

Due to my twirling incapability, I usually just shovel noodles with my fork. Again, this drags other noodles from the bowl or plate with it, and the problem of dangling noodle ends makes an appearance once more. Why do I never actually try to cut it..? Definitely need to consider my options more.

Now, most noodles are accompanied by something liquid - sauce, curry, or the flavoured water in 2 minute noodles. The problem then, is this: when I am eating my noodles of the fork, the dangling ends must enter my mouth eventually. Even if I try to use the fork to bring these up to my lips, they flick. If I don't use a fork here, they flick. They do that. Even if they don't hit my chin and leave my face covered in gook (not that I don't love the "baby-who-has-just-eaten look", however it's not really my thing), liquid tends to fly, onto my shirt, onto the table, etc. I am a) confused, b) grossed out, and c) embarrassed by this.
It's not that I don't understand how it happens, I understand, all too well. But why, why can't I eat like a normal person???

Don't even get me started on what ensues when I eat a yiros. Particularly, that time I ate a yiros when my collarbone was fractured and I couldn't really use my right arm...

Postscript - I said "folks" in this post. I fucking said "folks"...

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ashfdkljdkjflkdsjgfds ++ CUTE

I am actually so freaked out. I hate flies, am scared of spiders and am fine with most bugs except when I just feel them and think they're spiders on me. I'm terrified of blow flies. But most of all. I hate so much the flies that crawl more than they fly. They have the creepiest legs. And they just hang around. There is one around the keyboard right now and it's terrifying me so much. I am freaking out so badly. I keep flapping my arms, if you saw me you'd die laughing but right now, I'm about to cry. They scare me so much :(

In my mind they are obviously infected with disease  because they look like it and are likely to bite me coz they're insane, they're not normal flies, I mean why would they crawl... And infect me with like, malaria. Or just, I dunno. /agitated face + mannerisms Toivoa does when scared like this.

and if it comes on my face, I'm trying not to scream coz Deborah's in bed and stuff

BUT OH MY GOD I would freak out silently so bad.

Like when I'm so scared but bite my hand to keep myself screaming because I can't do anything or something, I dunno

aghhhhhhhhhhh

GET IT AWAY FROM ME

:( :( :(

okay, addition, half an hour later...
CUTE LYRICS
i love it. it's like, God has designed you, uniquely. You are special. it's soooo cute (:

"I can see the tears filling your eyes
And I know where theyre coming from
Theyre coming from a heart thats broken in two
By what you dont see
The person in the mirror
Doesnt look like the magazine
Oh but when I look at you its clear to me that

I can see the fingerprints of god
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of god
And I know its true
Youre a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And youre covered with the fingerprints of god

Never has there been and never again
Will there be another you
Fashioned by gods hand
And perfectly planned
To be just who you are
And what hes been creating
Since the first beat of your heart
Is a living breathing priceless work of art and

Just look at you
Youre a wonder in the making
Oh and gods not through no
In fact he's just getting started!"

10.44 PM AGHHHHHHHHHH IT'S BACK [THE FLY]
BUT THIS TIME IT'S FLYING
AND IT'S STILL TERRIFYING
/SHUDDERS, TWITCHES FOR NEXT 20 MINUTES
:(

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Sick of this.

Okay, so I have been waiting to see the outcome of this and not writing about it on here, but this is fucking stupid. There is this email going between me, bec and sacha, and jake.

Jake isn't really contributing, which is okay. i accept that he doesn't want to be friends. but sacha and bec, nuhuh.

Okay so now i know what happened. I said something in that email when i was trying to explain myself, and fucked it up badly. But it was about how i'd started avoiding bec that day. but to them it came out sounding like i didn't want to be around them for a while and didn't want them to talk to me at all for a while. Which is why they stopped talking to me. Whereas I didn't understand what happened and freaked out.

Okay, so I should have asked them what happened, like they have said in this email. Instead of just avoiding them, I should have asked "why are you avoiding me" and sorted things out. But I didn't, I didn't think to do that! And so, things are now the way they are.

The thing is, I hate having to take all the blame for it. And I am. Because I will do anything to fix it. But. At the same time.

I'm not trying to blame them for this. But i shouldn't have to take the blame for them misunderstanding what i said, oh i'm sorry i wasn't clear enough and that i think and interpret things differently to you. Yes, after that i handled it badly, but come on! there are certain things that are no one's fault...

I always say sorry first in fights etc. Because i hate fighting and all that. But this is stupid, i can't just take the blame for everything all the time, for things that aren't my fault...

And bec is saying that i haven't done anything to try and fix the situation

When the hell have I had the chance to talk to them in person or actively do anything? They're always with other people....

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I'm just so, over this and upset and agh.

I want my best friends back.

(LLLL)

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