Currently writhing in the grip of a fearsome headache. Okay, so it's not that bad, but I am assured that my head will shortly explode, with fragments of brain matter and bone splinters splattering the room. All my work on my English Supporting Study for a novel I have come to passionately hate will be soaked through with my blood, impossible to read.
I have been minimising sleep for homework's sake. And my reluctance to cut myself off from other human contact. I just... don't want to be alone. This lack of sleep is causing my headaches. Thankfully, the holidays are but a week and a half away.
This study, in which we read and thoroughly annotate everything we can find in the novel, is huge. And due tomorrow. I am approximately halfway through. Themes, author's style, structure, perspective, language, techniques, notable quotes; all to be taken down. It is an exhaustive process, and with the pain of this headache that seeps through every level of my consciousness, I am currently not making much headway. I do not take painkillers after all my instances of overdosing on them, I am far too sensitive to the feeling of it moving through my body, making me feel spaced out, to be able to touch the stuff. My other usual option is to have really strong coffee, but after the incident the other day, I am keen to minimise all caffeine intake.
However, my introduction in my draft for a major essay in another subject was said to be brilliant by the teacher, so I'm pretty thrilled with that. I am determined to do well in the subjects I can now, and pick up in the others over the holidays.
And one thing that makes it all better is currently talking to the ex best friend. Crappy conversation. But it is, after all, who it's with that matters. Even if he is no longer my best friend. He still is himself. And that's why I love him.
I talked to him today, at school. Properly. More than a hello. I didn't even realise until an hour later. I was very tired and distracted at recess, and it was the first time I'd seen him in person since he got his hair cut. It's much shorter than it's been in the longest time, and I was curious, having seen a picture over MSN the night he'd had it cut. I just walked up to him and started rambling about how short his hair was, and not much else. I was also thrown off balance by the fact that Chris was back at school. When I did realise that I had actually talked to the ex best friend, I was slightly shocked. I FREAKIN TALKED TO HIM.
Anyway, Chris is back at school after... two weeks? A bit less, I think. I don't know. It was weird. I had gotten used to things without him. I talked to him a bit, but I was like we were just friends. Maybe it will take a while. I don't know. I don't want to be in a relationship. I hate the idea of it, I'm soo not ready. What am I fucking doing? No idea.
I'm planning on concentrating on schoolwork. It is year twelve, after all. Important. And I want a very high score.
But really, I just want to immerse myself in schoolwork so that maybe I can forget about them.
I don't want to isolate myself though, I went through that for a couple of months last year, and I can't do it. It may recede for a while, but I have a social nature and I care about people and I don't want to let them go. It would be stupid to add to what I have lost.
My head hurts.
P.S. [11.04PM] I think my heart just melted. Sure, my head is still exploding, but my conversation with the ex best friend... We were talking about a band that had memories from our friendship, and I couldn't help myself, I mentioned one of my favourite memories with him that was connected to a song by the band. It was this one night when we had gone for a walk, and went to a local primary school, and sat on the roof together. I said it was "good times" and then added "just randomly.", so that he didn't have to respond to the thought. He said "it was".
I practically melted into the ground. It just, means so much to me that a memory that I treasure meant something good to him. He's not just like "yeah, whatever. It was okay but I don't really care, that's all in the past". I mean, he's probably like that too. But he's not the most verbose of people, and the fact that he said it was a good time makes me happy in a sad, nostalgic way...