The post I didn't want to write

or, the second biggest mistake of my life. You should be able to guess what the biggest has been.

This is what I've been avoiding, but I need to actually talk about it. I guess. If you happen to be one of my sister's friends, either stop reading or take some kind of blood oath or something never to tell her this. Or any of the content on my blog, actually. Yeah. click below for more.

I was drinking with my best friend Nick and a mutual friend, at mutual friend's house. (He shall now be referred to as MF for the remainder of this post)

Yes, a story that involves me drinking. What could possibly have gone wrong? [/sarcasm]

Nick and I had actually become friends through MF in the first place, over two years ago, when I was in Year 10. He was in the grade above me at the same school, as was Nick, and they both graduated last year. I hadn't spoken to him much last year but at a gig Nick's band played at early this year, I chatted to him for quite a while, and he said he'd buy me the drinks I needed the next day for myself and a friend, since he's over 18 and lives in the same suburb. So this was all good.

The following weekend, Nick rang me asking if I'd come drinking with him and MF, and although I initially said yes, I bailed because I was too tired. Because of this, I was told I had to come drinking with them another time. I've wanted to drink with Nick for a long time, because we're good friends and it would be hilarious. A couple other girls who they were friends with were also supposed to join us, one of who I later found out happens to be BF's ex, but they also bailed at the last minute.

It was the 30th of January. ~10.30PM. This story lasts till the 31st of January. ~5.30AM.

So we played some drinking games, etc. I called exbestfriend, several times, as I've mentioned before, and left him several voicemail messages in which I cried to no end, telling him how much I missed and loved him. All that jazz. I don't know why I always call him and not the others. I just, dunno. Sigh.

I was rather drunk at this point. Let's fastforward a bit. So, uh, I, well I had sex with MF. His idea.

And you know what, it's stupid. Because I remember what I was thinking.

I wasn't that I wanted to, or didn't want to. It didn't seem to matter.

And I knew that was stupid, I knew I knew I would regret it when I was sober, I wanted to keep my virginity till marriage (christian upbringing), blah blah blah; but it just didn't seem relevant.

So, that's shit.

Now, what could make it worse?

GAH. Well, we didn't use a condom the whole time. !!!

So now you know why I'm fucking scared that I'm pregnant. Although it wasn't for very long, I think.

I don't know!

I mean sure, I still get my period, it was over two months ago, but you can be pregnant and still get your period. But if directly after your period you are most likely to be pregnant, surely directly before is least likely, right? I got my period the next day, which happened to be the birthday of one of my best friends.

Fuuuuck.

And yeah I regret it.

Majorly.

I'm so fucking stupid.

If I'm pregnant WHAT IN GOD'S NAME DO I DO?

I know I should get a pregnancy test and all that crap, but I'm scared.


It's kind of a huge deal to me. And yet, still the one thing I'm more scared about is that they don't miss me at all, and that we'll never even be friends at all, ever again.

This morning I was thinking about how I met the first of them. I knew we'd be good friends pretty much immediately. Maybe I'll go into that another time.

God I miss freaking having someone to talk to.

I need to stop talking about them on here. Besides how that's hell awkward if one of them actually found it and read it, or even does so now (which please god will never happen), going on and on about it doesn't do shit. I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's anything I can do. And that sucks more than losing my virginity to someone I really barely know who just wanted to get some, more than the possiblity of being pregnant, more than not knowing if I am or am not pregnant.

I feel like such a screw up, but I'm not willing to accept that. I screwed up majorly with MF and my best friends, but I dunno. I'm 16. My whole life is ahead of me. These things don't go away and I can't make up for them but that doesn't mean I am a screw up. I guess. Even though it feels like I am sometimes.

Oh god, drinking is such a bad idea, for me at least. But I still am not willing to stop and I don't know why. I am just going to try to be careful about who I drink around, because I happen to be very susceptible. Oh God I hate myself sometimes. For some things, that is.