I can't help it, I know I have him. Jimit, I mean. And I want him. He's probably the only decent guy I've been with (I'll explain the Chris thing another time), so a) thanks to my, friend, Becca... who encouraged me to go for it in the first place, even though that was largely because she wanted to get the exbestfriend jealous so we would get together, and b) I'm trying to be really careful.
Since a particular incident, with guys I like, I am kinda... more sexual. Not in a huge way but just a tiny little bit. And the thing is, after this whole mess, I don't want to go that way again for a long time yet. Hooking up is about as far as I want to go, and not even random hook ups.
It scared the shit out of me, kinda, and I find myself wanting even more to be with a guy who I feel safe with. After all, I've known Jimit for years now. He's a great friend and he's amazing. I've liked him before and I don't know if I'm sticking to the reassuring comfort of our relationship or if its our renewed contact when we had lost touch a little for a few months previously, which is really the only reason why we were no longer together, and then of course we moved on.
But like I think I've mentioned, I keep realising that there is far more depth to him than I had initially thought. He's the first guy in a long time who is smarter than me, on a completely intellectual level. Italics Boy and Chris... Ehh. Especially Chris. I like it when I can have a decent conversation with someone.
That's not the problem. I can't quite remember, but I think I may even like him more this time, and I liked him a lot last time, when he was almost the only stable thing in my life. Again, even that is not the problem.
Especially while intoxicated (hey, here's a solution - don't freaking drink!), I go a little bit further than I mean to. I don't know how to explain it. It's more that I imply going further, or something. But I really don't want to! And then I'm scared that if this other person, whoever they may be, at any future time, gets that idea, I will feel bad for implicating that and will go along with it because I don't know how too extricate myself.
I've already decided not to drink with anyone but good friends, and Jimit is a good friend, but it is myself that I can't trust, if I'm honest with myself. Although he isn't like that, what if I then insist on something, god knows what exactly..? Because I can see myself doing that, for the reason that I want to make him happy and "guys want sex" and that whole idea, no matter that I'd rather die.
And then my definite following resentment would result in getting pissed off at him, and that would ruin our friendship. Even though I want more.
I can't get enough of him, of talking to him by phone call, by text, by IM, by Failbook; when I'm around him I want some physical contact all the time, whether it's hugging him, holding hands, or just, any little thing. I like just watching him talk to other people, even though I realise that's creepy. And I want to kiss him, and even when I do it's not enough, and I want more. I want to kiss him until I can't breathe, and apart from the night I first hooked up with Chris (alcohol was involved here too... See a trend?), the last time I wanted that or actually got that was with Jimit, and before that with the exbestfriend. Which was different altogether but let's not go there because that was in a memory collection all on its own and how do I explain that? The roughness of his stupid half grown beard against my palm and the feel of his jawbone beneath that, other hand entwined in his also kinda stupid long hair to keep our heads as close together as possible, with him doing the same, except for, you know, my lack of facial hair... And my hair was a perfectly decent length! I'll stop now because I know, it's sickening, and no one on god's green earth ever wants to know, but in remembering moments like that, how can I argue that I didn't like him as more than a friend?
It sounds so ridiculous I've been trying to avoid the word, but, it's passion. And I never thought I'd like Jimit so much.
This post is so awkward so it's going to end now. ;p
Sunday, May 17, 2009
post title coming soon.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Regret, or something like it.
Referring back to this incident, even at the time, in my inebriated state, I knew I was going to regret it. As I have already said. But there is more to it.
I've always wanted to make other people happy. I've always wanted everyone to like me. Even if I didn't like them. I hatehatehate being disliked or looked down on by anyone, and this is often conflicting for me. I'll still often do things I don't want to do and aren't necessarily good for me either, simply because it's what the other person wants. But if you make me feel needed, loved, pretty, wanted, or anything positive, you're almost definitely going to get whatever it is you want. Conversely, I feel guilty very easily so you can play that card too. I know, I should stand up for myself, but I have this slight neediness when it comes to other people... Working on it, kinda.
That night, I remember MF saying that he had hoped this would happen. My mental reaction was to raise my eyebrows, but god only knows what expression was plastered across my face. I remember him saying that he found me really hot and he had wanted to get with me but hadn't expected that he could... I remember thinking that he was just saying this because he really just wanted to get laid but at that moment I would just pretend he meant it and accept it even though I didn't believe it. I remember thinking that I was pathetic to be so desperately needy for compliments and to feel desirable that I would compromise my values and my self-worth just so I could pretend I was wanted for a while.
I remember how gentle he acted and how he looked worried and kept saying he didn't want to hurt me, and yet it was really too late anyway, because it hurt so much, but at the time I didn't care, and I knew that was ridiculous. I remember him saying that he felt bad for me because I kept calling the ExBestFriend and only getting through to his voicemail, and my thinking that he probably actually couldn't care less.
I remember rambling about how I was so very drunk and that I got drunk so fast, thinking that being such a lightweight was embarrassing, and him saying that he wasn't that drunk. I remember hating the idea of that because it was unfair, and he knew what he was doing and that showed his lack of respect for me even though I agreed to it, and because he would be able to better remember it afterwards, when I knew I would want to forget it utterly.
And throughout it all I was trying, and failing, to berate myself for this, wondering why I didn't care at the moment, even though I knew I would later, and trying to make myself so that I would stop; wondering what was wrong with me and how much I would hate myself for this later. But at the time I just didn't care.
And that is what has me so perplexed that I still cannot get my head around it...
Thursday, April 2, 2009
It was on Tuesday, so I believe.
I had a wonderful double free at school on Tuesday. For an hour and forty minutes, I was called a whore, a lesbian, a lesbian whore, a whore who was cheaper than a phone call; oh and "did I have a connection fee?" It was a joke, but the thing is, the guys who kept saying it took it past the point of being amusing. I'm really not a fan of one of them in particular, ugh. But I could deal with that. Some of what they were saying was hilarious. It was what one of them added that made me almost cry. "You not-friends-with-[exbestfriend]person". It was a ridiculous line. But it's true. And even though this person is hateful, he is friends with him, and as such, has one thing I want so much. No fair.
So fuck you Tom King. ;P
[And, Sacha, happy two year anniversary with Adam. I hope he keeps making you happy, you deserve it.]
Update: [7.40PM] I just read something... Something that makes me sad again. She's so lucky.
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