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Thursday, November 13, 2008

tonight [updated]

I am closer than before to fixing things with Bec and Sach, and I have never in all this time wanted more to absolutely rip my arms to shreds. Hah I have had different ways of wanting to cut, or places, but this, so badly, just to tear up my entire forearms, both of them, like i have ripped up a piece of cloth, so viciously and roughly. The most appropriate word that comes to mind is mauling. The urges come suddenly.

Hah that would be appropriate, spreading the love Toivoa, then coming home and cutting yourself.

I'm SO CLOSE to fixing this.

And so close to losing this game of self preservation.

"A stitch away from making it and a scar away from falling apart."

Or I suppose I could carve Love into my arm hahhhhh

Like I was gonna write their names, / first letter of their names. haha but i realised how creepy and stalker like. ehh.

I miss Jake.

oh p.s. don't worry, i won't do anything

in addition coz i don't want to keep adding random paragraph long blogs every half an hour or so like, last night or whatever. anyhow. i just want to say. i absolutely hate. how. sacha said, in the latest thing of this email. that I seem fine without them. !!! Obviously I do a better job of covering up around them then I thought. I mean, I try to act normally, but for the most part, I tend to completely forget what I'm saying / doing when they are around, my mind loses any coherency. And I think about them a million times a day, I don't sleep because I miss them too much and they are in all my dreams >=| I just wish they knew how much I actually do miss them and need them and am not just "fine" without them. But like, I can't tell them. I don't want to do that, it comes across insincere and like I'm looking to make them feel bad and guilt them back into being friends. And I don't want that. But I do wish they knew how much I am not fine without them... they should know they mean more to me than that..


  1. Well dear

    sounds like a pickle and a half


    and chocolate


  2. /hugs.
    There isn't anything else I can do.
    I fucking hate that.