I know, so many posts in such a short amount of time?
ohmyfuckinggod
i know i know the later it gets and the more tired i am the closer i get to that mindset of "night without stars"
darker and darker
haven't slept enough this week
progressively darker
note how my mind slips
one word could reduce me to tears
part of me wants to be strong
but i'm scared.
toivoa stop
what are you doing
i don't know
i don't know
focus on homework
just get it done kay
i want to but i really just want someone to talk to, this is the next best thing, i just want to know that someone cares about me
you're pathetic being pathetic
you're better than this, stronger than this
you KNOW people care about you. how can you be anything but happy, you finally have the thing you wished for most in the world for so many months
i know, i'm sorry
i can't help it
toivoa, you can.
i'm trying
but it's hard
that's what she said ;P
see
cheer up
smile
more?
that's enough for now, if that's as happy as you get, okay
okay
i'm okay
[different colours to show two different sides, edited in later]
Monday, May 25, 2009
visit to toivoa's mind, if you can bear to stay a while
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Update, Because I Suck at Post Titles.
Well, guys, I meant to post yesterday, but my mind was extremely sleep deprived and words weren't making sense coming out of my mouth. Eight hours of sleep over two nights will do that to you. Or me, at least.
I'm not much better today and if I'd had access to a computer in the morning at school, you'd all have had the many joys of reading another self-pity post. However, many factors contributed, including the lack of sleep. I got my period later today so I guess that was a problem but I also didn't take my Vitamin D tablets the day before and I think that actually had a huge impact... which is slightly worrying. I also overreact to things a lot. What can I say, I'm an overly sensitive soul... To the point where if I actually told people about certain things I get upset over I would be shot. Really.
A friend of mine keeps joking about how I talk too much and wonders why she is even friends with me. I know I know I know that it is just a joke and sometimes I am highly irritating but when it reflects how I used to feel and when I am as already low as I have been, I don't really take it too well, although I try to hide it, how successful I am I can't say. Just little things like that...
I've also, in case you haven't noticed with a post last week or so, I've been breaking things accidentally and being even more clumsy than usual, walking into things, spilling other people's drinks while they are holding it, dropping everything, and it makes me kind of feel like a fuck up at life. It's just getting so bad that it's past the point of amusing. So that has been making me feel sad.
I'm so stupid, I always manage to let little things upset me, even when there are good things happening! Because, I have news. Good news (:
I am going out with Jimit... Which I'm very happy about, and will probably go into more in another post later. I never thought it would actually happen, although we talked about it. But I'm glad it has.
Vinnie, Kathleen's friend who I kinda have a little thing for, but we don't know each other well enough to be anything more than friends, although we get along really well, is planning to ask me to formal at his school. Which, for those of you not from Australia, is prom. Of course, I'm not supposed to know about it yet, but Kat gave me a heads up, obviously. And the thing is, Kat and I were planning to get him to ask me, since both of us wanted me to go, because she goes to the same school as he does. So when he mentioned to her that he wanted to ask me, she was pretty excited, and so was I, in turn.
And the best thing of all, kinda, is that I started talking to those best friends two nights ago. When I say I started, it was more that they initiated it, because, well, I hadn't really had a chance to get around to trying to work out how to talk. Sure, it was only via MSN, but that's better than nothing, right? Only, I wasn't online last night, since... well, I barely ever use it anymore because I only ever really used it to talk to the exbestfriend and one of them, since the other couldn't get internet access at her house at the time. And as to why I say kinda is because I am the paranoid type, who is very unsure. What if they thought it sucked? Since I've seen one of them at school in the two days since, do I say hi? I haven't really been able to since we haven't made eye contact or that kind of thing, you know those awkward moments... So what do I do? I don't know and I'm so nervous and unsure.
Okay. Now that, I've got all of this out on my blog so you know what's happening, I can no longer put off writing a Poetry oral that I must do tomorrow for English Studies. I despise Poetry... Wish me luck!
Night xx
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
OH GOD MY LIFE BE OVER
No, really. Losing the most important people in my life, having to deal with reading "Fresh and rosy-fingered Dawn" every five pages in the copy of "The Odyssey" we are studying in Classical Studies, failing German, crappy haircuts that apparently make me look like John Lennon, breaking my life line aka my mobile with no likelihood of a new one anytime soon, my dad being overseas for three weeks, lack of sleep; all of that, sure, I can deal [that was only half sarcasm]. BUT A HOLE IN MY FAVOURITE JEANS??? You have got to be shitting me.
I mean, come on, I practically live in these jeans. I had hunted for a pair of black skinny leg jeans that my legs didn't look fat in for freaking forever, and when I found them, well, I freaking wore them all the freaking time! I wear them to school, I wear them out, I wear them to church. I wear them everywhere. Sometimes I even wear them to bed. I wore them to Soundwave, an Australian alternative/metal music festival on a day with very high temperatures. They were filled with dust, but they lived through that awesome day with me. How, how can they die now? I do not understand.
See, this happened with one of my previous pairs of jeans also. The hole is suddenly there, so high up on the inside of my thigh that it's almost in crutch area. Okay, it's pretty much there. Yes, I know. It seems really suss. But. WHAT THE HELL??? I just do normal things that one does while wearing jeans. You know, sitting, standing, falling over, running, whatever the hell you do in ordinary life. Occasionally I'll slide on my butt somewhere in them but, come on. HOW DOES THIS FREAKING OCCUR?
I don't understand. Is it because they're really tight and I always sit cross legged in them and they just... frayed? I don't know! All I know is that, well, it's not really advisable for me to wear them any longer. I think I'm going to die. I have no other option. I love my jeans, I am a jeans girl. I cannot pull off trackies, which is why I only ever wear them around the house. I wear jeans on long flights, on long car trips, everywhere. They're so comfortable. I love them. This can't be the end of our long and beautiful friendship, in which they look good on my legs and cover my scars and keep me from having to wear shorts or the school skirt which I need to continually readjust and also expose my scars.
Not all that keen to be labelled the school emo.
Fuck my life.
P.S. Guys, head over to my friend Kate's blog and give some sympathy to someone who really needs it, having lost all information on their hard drive of the last three years. Devastating? It actually is, when you consider all the memories in the form of photographs and other such mementos contained on her computer. So. Send her love, she's awesome. (:
P.P.S. [10.01PM] I. Still. Cannot. Believe. That. Ifrickinbrokemypants. Broke all my phones, broke the keyboard thing, broke my friendships, broke every pair of headphones I have ever owned, broke my flute somehow, and a whole crap load of other stuff. It's official. I break everything.
In other news, I managed to score 75% on an in-class essay about The Odyssey in Classical Studies that I did practically no study for prior. I'm pretty stoked. Chuffed, let's use that. I'm pretty chuffed. But I can't keep fluking it. In the holidays, I will get organised. I want my TER (tertiary entrance rank) score at the end of the year to be a minimum of 90. Not sure if that's even achievable anymore. I need to check that.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
owwwwwh
:(
rah my head hurts so much,
it's my fault but ehh
yesterday - hitting head repeatedly,
in several places
thus there is now a major bump to the left side of my head, my forehead feels bruised but not enough to be visible and the back of my head, who even knows
lol rahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh >.<
not cool
positive - tomorrow i can go out!!!!
who shall i go out with and where?????????
(:
Monday, December 1, 2008
shoot me
i want out
so bored
i'm dying
my eyes are like filled with tears from the too much in front of screen thing
asdhflidjglkdfjiglkdfjgklf
this isn't just boredom
this is me not wanting to be here because i'm back in one of those stages where i get hell emo fairly often and absolutely go psycho over the smallest argument and revert to the actions and thoughts of a three year old chucking a tantrum
ashfkjgfdsklfdglkdfgf
killself
i need people
Thursday, November 13, 2008
tonight [updated]
I am closer than before to fixing things with Bec and Sach, and I have never in all this time wanted more to absolutely rip my arms to shreds. Hah I have had different ways of wanting to cut, or places, but this, so badly, just to tear up my entire forearms, both of them, like i have ripped up a piece of cloth, so viciously and roughly. The most appropriate word that comes to mind is mauling. The urges come suddenly.
Hah that would be appropriate, spreading the love Toivoa, then coming home and cutting yourself.
I'm SO CLOSE to fixing this.
And so close to losing this game of self preservation.
"A stitch away from making it and a scar away from falling apart."
Or I suppose I could carve Love into my arm hahhhhh
Like I was gonna write their names, / first letter of their names. haha but i realised how creepy and stalker like. ehh.
I miss Jake.
oh p.s. don't worry, i won't do anything
in addition coz i don't want to keep adding random paragraph long blogs every half an hour or so like, last night or whatever. anyhow. i just want to say. i absolutely hate. how. sacha said, in the latest thing of this email. that I seem fine without them. !!! Obviously I do a better job of covering up around them then I thought. I mean, I try to act normally, but for the most part, I tend to completely forget what I'm saying / doing when they are around, my mind loses any coherency. And I think about them a million times a day, I don't sleep because I miss them too much and they are in all my dreams >=| I just wish they knew how much I actually do miss them and need them and am not just "fine" without them. But like, I can't tell them. I don't want to do that, it comes across insincere and like I'm looking to make them feel bad and guilt them back into being friends. And I don't want that. But I do wish they knew how much I am not fine without them... they should know they mean more to me than that..
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Cravings.
And I think, I'm just a little addicted to you...
No, I'm not talking about Jake, although I suppose I quite easily could be.
I have something of an anger problem. It tends to stay directed at members of my family so none of you would ever see it. None of you would ever see the nearly uncontrollable rage I sometimes get into. Where I literally have next to no control of myself and I am consumed by anger. I'm glad I can't remember it properly afterwards, I am sure the feeling is a horrible one. I remember what happened, but the way I was feeling is fuzzy.
Not at Deborah anymore. We get along really well these days. But my relationship with my dad is deteriorating. And also before, when we got into fights, I was always fairly calm but on the rare occasions when my dad made me angry, I have tried to bite him and hit him etc. Mum and I used to fight a lot, this is from year 7 onwards, and I'd get angry at her all the time, but not as fiercely as the rare occasions with Dad. I'd get like this with mum sometimes too, but ehh still very very rarely.
Practically the only control I have over myself then is stopping myself from swearing, and that is only just. I usually have to say it under my breath, or something. Or scream something else that tends to be completely incoherent.
Mmm anyway so I was up till 4 30 the other night attempting to download Spirited Away onto the computer. My parents realised I was still up and came in and were yelling at me, but like, in whispers. Because they know how little I've been sleeping, but I won't tell them why. So they keep going on about how it's coz I'm not exercising enough.
Anyhow, so this was all like rahhhhhhhhhh. And I was so angry coz Dad switched off the computer and downloading was taking ages and it had just reached about 75%. So I was hell dev'd aha.
But they were ranting and I lost it. Mum was saying how I was going back to the stage I was before the holidays, meaning when I'd overdosed, and I was screaming "No, I'm not, I'm fine except for what you make wrong" because I am fine as I can get. And so she was like "then why are you sleeping so little, you don't eat right, you don't sleep right, you are killing yourself!" My response, "no I'm not I AM FINE", and dad was saying this stuff too and then mum was saying that I was stressing them both out and not letting them sleep and that i was ruining our whole family
And I seriously have been okay, but it's her saying stuff like that that fucks me up, I can't stand people telling me how I think, mum and dad both tend to do that, and I'm like no, you've got me all wrong, I am NOT like that. And her essentially telling me that I'm messed up, at that stage it makes me incredibly upset.
Ehhhh anyway. So I got real angry. I was about to hit my mum in the face with my drink bottle but I restrained myself enough to hit her as light as possible so it couldn't really hurt like on her arm. Because if I didn't do something I would have exploded. And I didn't want to do even that >=(
Mmm so anyway. Afterwards. I craved, so badly, to cut. (You may want to stop reading. Specifically you Kate >.<) Because, it is comforting. It wasn't even for the pain that I wanted it. The sheer violence of it, but calm; disguised violence. The blood. It is amazingly pretty. I have something of a fascination with my blood. And like, those gothic pictures? With the people and sometimes there is blood, it is gorgeous. >.< It's just, blood is so amazing. It is the thing that gives us life, well one of the things. And watching it drip, it's special. Eeeep now I sound psycho. This I really should keep just for my diary.
But I just still had that rage, simmered down and bottled but not quite subsided yet. Although I was very calm, after that. Not in that cold white way that rage sometimes goes to. Just calm. Okay. And I could picture getting a blade, holding it to my arm, pressing it, feeling the slight pressure. Then going deeper. I barely cut like that. Cutting slow was always the hardest. And to keep going. It takes a lot of nerve, or a lot of pain or being upset, or anger. But it's better. And to watch the blood slowly well up in beads, staying there for a point along a fine red line, until the surface tension breaks and it spills out, coursing in rivers along my skin. >.<
It slightly, vaguely worries me that I would take out my anger on myself. Or want to. I haven't. And I don't plan on it. But it's beyond hurting myself. It's good. It's addictive. Sometimes I want to do it merely for the sake of the blood. However, usually, I go with the quick strokes as fast as possible, it's easier. ohmygod I am so sick in the head lol. So now you know one of the most fucked up things about me. I have very dark blood by the way. And my blood is an amazing colour ^_^ I love it. It's dark and deep and rich maroon, a royal shade of red...
Blood from your arms and legs is thinner, more watery. Bleeds a lot. Stomach is rather more disappointing, the blood is thicker and does not flow...
Agh. Okay. Biology.
I should have kept that to myself.
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