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Monday, February 16, 2009

"And it hurts because it should"

I feel very flat at the moment. Yesterday, he kissed me, in the toy section of Myer (random, I know lol. I also happened to not realise and moved, thus making it slightly awkward, as I tend to do... It's only the second time I've done this, and the first was far more awkward! This was still cute lol), and then later, again. I did not expect that, considering how long it took for him to hold my hand (lol). I'm not keen on kissing in public, and I hate those kissing photos so many people have... for a start, it was obviously posed because you're holding the goddamn camera! Does everyone really want to see your faces mushed against each other everytime your profile comes up on MySpazz or Failbook? Is it necessary? Really?
I also do have one of those pictures with Jimit (I'll explain him later), but it was his idea (I'm terrible at saying no to a lot of things, which is how) and I hid my copy of it never to look at again as soon as I got home...
If you want them, that's fine, but as a default pic? Please.

I'm also really not one to make first moves, so that's a definite plus. And I like him a lot. In a more permanent way than usual. Like Jimit, who would be the closest thing to a boyfriend I've had (we've come to an agreement that we will say we actually did go out because we pretty much did unofficially and secretly. Which means I have cheated on a boyfriend, and I felt bad enough about it at the time.), but slower, somehow. Better. Because after my drunken mistake, I'm feeling pretty fragile, like I've said. One guess as to what happened! =/ I'll blog about it soon, I promise...

But anyway, being happy with me only tends to last for a certain amount of a time, and then I grow drained from it. Of course, I am also sleep deprived. I fell asleep today at school in English Studies, as did three of my friends, and then, upon arrival in Biology, walked straight into a door... Lols all around.
I have had a lot of late nights lately, what with MSN and phone calls with him, but last night was an early one. Obviously it's catching up about now.

So, right now, nearly any little thing that goes wrong is making me feel upset, even though I am trying to fight it. I'm slightly, vaguely happy that I am actually trying to fight this instead of just letting it take over like I usually do; that's different. Definitely positive.

His MSN / computer keeps cutting out and he keeps going offline while I'm talking to him; he has no webcam because his dad has taken their family laptop with the inbuilt webcam on a daytrip to Sydney, so I can't see him when I am talking to him; he has a lot of homework and I feel like I am distracting him by talking to him but I still want to... my two friends are kinda mad at me since I broke my rule and ditched them in town yesterday to hang out with him (friends before guys, I forget the official saying lol, the female version of "bros before hoes") and I do feel really bad about it... but not really... Which is what I feel worse about. My sister is listening to Jimmy Eat World, who, while I love their music, always make me sad. And to top it off, having asked him to not read my blog, I feel really bad since he obviously wants to, but I would be way too embarassed to write about him in that instance. He keeps asking why he can't, which is making it slightly worse...

I'm altogether rather glum about such little things all put together, and my arms are covered in black permanent marker with Fall Out Gay (concert tomorrow, my friends are delirious with excitement, and rather unintelligible) lyrics, and the word "douche" repeatedly. Just to confirm this, it is also stated that I am the douche; and then I have a couple more pen drawings of what turned out to be an "alien nanny" with an "apron that looks like a penis", and a "tranny mom"... My hip and ankle have also been similarly adorned. While the artwork delights me and I wish I could leave it inked onto my skin forever, my mother has already chucked a spazz at the amount of writing on my arms. Forget about "writing love on her arms", writing douche on her arms is the way to go! [/sarcasm]


Just a small portion of my Sharpie graffiti


For those of you who aren't aware, "douche", at least here in the highly cultivated Adelaide, is the new "loser"/"retard"/etc.

Just as an aside, doesn't the term "fucktard" make you think of custard tarts, or is that just me? And yes, I raise my eyebrows and look down on anyone who actually uses it...

Blogging has cheered me up somewhat, I must confess, but I'm still stuck in a moment of paranoia that as I reveal more of myself to him and he realises that I am even less of "a good good two shoes" as I apparently appear to be in church (which is great, for then I have achieved my aim ;D it's rather awkward to socialise sometimes with my parents and sister around. Although really, it's just another, nicer side of me.), that he will stop liking me, and realise I'm not what he wants at all. I think he sounded slightly dstanced when I was talking to him on MSN just before, but it's MSN for God's sake, and he does have homework he's doing. I always read into things what isn't there, but what if it actually was..?
I'm definitely taking a chance here in actually letting myself really like him... I'm scared it will go wrong.

"I could never be the one that you want, don't ask."


How are you today my blogging friends? (:

xx

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5 comments:

  1. DON'T overanalyze it, just let it happen!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Haha, I occasionally use the term 'fucktard', when i am either too tired to think of anything else, or the arguement is just for a joke anyways, :P

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Autumn.....I'm with Bella.....just let it happen. Ease gently into things....
    You're a sweet girl :)

    Steady On
    Reggie Girl

    ReplyDelete