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Thursday, May 21, 2009

"And tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through"

"... and my eyes are screaming for the sight of you."

i'd still do anything for him. i still love him.

but i don't really miss him so much anymore.

i go almost whole days without thinking about him. i can last a week, at least, without truly recollecting a memory, with reliving it, and missing him, like a stab to the heart.

i mean, sure, the other day, i used my sister's deodorant, and, turns out it was one i used to use back then. and i thought of a night with you, on a rooftop, talking and just spending time. i know that moment was special for both of us, perhaps more so for me, but still. you told me so.

the rescue car, that other car, the drop bear, the drain... our private jokes.

and yes, in a recent post about Jimit, i mentioned kissing the exbestfriend. And even now if I think about it I get lost in those memories so easily.

But gone are the times of memories involving him flooding over me at any random moment, unexpectedly, or due to a tiny association. If I go into those memories, it is mainly at will.

Only, just then. Another of them wrote something on Failbook about wearing her boyfriend's t-shirt, which smells like him. And, that was one of my favourite things about you, to be honest. I know it sounds ridiculous, but you had the best smell. I loved how after we'd snuck out on our walks together at night, I'd come home and fall asleep with your smell in my hair and from that, on my pillow, and on my hoodie. I loved wearing your jackets, even though they were huge. The strangest moment was lying with you in your bed one day, our lips touching, barely breathing, and although I was also freaked out by it, I couldn't help but love that moment. That was when our friendship began to blur, shortly before we first hooked up.

Her post sent me back to so many memories, so many connections revolve around that, your smell. I love your smell. MySpace surveys and the like ask what your favourite smell is and of course I can't say you... But, that's the truth. I loved going to sleep smelling like you. I loved being around you, in every single way. Even when you were stubborn and frustrating and even when we argued. And I loved it when you hugged me back as enthusiastically as I hugged you, and when you put your arms around me, and held me, and when you tried to stop me from being scared.

I think I'm only now starting to realise that maybe, maybe my other two best friends were right. I really did like him, didn't I? A lot.


"If truth be told, I miss you.
Truth be told, I'm lying."

But anyway, it's been good talking to her. Even just a little. Right?

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