Rahhh

It feels like a beginning, or at least a resuming, for that is more accurate. But it has started and I love it... It is always at the beginning when there are so many as yet untried possibilites that hope hangs thick in the air, as a sweet scent rather than a choking fog; wonderful. I remember being excited about talking to the exbestfriend, and even with the worry, it was still awesome. But this time, I'm sure it will be different. Because it's not him; it's my other friends, and I always thought this would be easier.

He just... sometimes isn't a very flowing conversationalist... And things were just more awkward, so that didn't help.

This is different, better.

I'm so hopeful.

C:

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holy mother of fuck.

Yah, I'm far too busy to update that previous post, but there's always tomorrow, right?

But, omg... I just saw a couple of recent pictures of the exbestfriend.

He's so fucking adorable.

Like...

I don't even know how.



I love him.

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Take My Hand, We'll Make It, I Swear,

Whoa,
Living on a Prayer...

Or rather, living on four hours of sleep and a truckload of caffeine. I'm so tired and exhausted, but today was a good day, for the most part. In my sleep deprived state, everything was hilarious; I laughed a lot, but I'd like to think that it wasn't just me; that all those moments were amusing as hell. You know, one of those days, where everyone's on a roll and you love those days, with their continuous awesome ;)

I'm on the phone so I may update this later, I'm way too easily distracted and confused to do more than one things at a time... I suck lol

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visit to toivoa's mind, if you can bear to stay a while

I know, so many posts in such a short amount of time?

ohmyfuckinggod

i know i know the later it gets and the more tired i am the closer i get to that mindset of "night without stars"

darker and darker

haven't slept enough this week

progressively darker

note how my mind slips

one word could reduce me to tears

part of me wants to be strong

but i'm scared.

toivoa stop

what are you doing

i don't know

i don't know

focus on homework

just get it done kay

i want to but i really just want someone to talk to, this is the next best thing, i just want to know that someone cares about me

you're pathetic being pathetic

you're better than this, stronger than this

you KNOW people care about you. how can you be anything but happy, you finally have the thing you wished for most in the world for so many months

i know, i'm sorry

i can't help it

toivoa, you can.

i'm trying

but it's hard

that's what she said ;P

see

cheer up

smile

more?

that's enough for now, if that's as happy as you get, okay

okay

i'm okay

[different colours to show two different sides, edited in later]

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as for my desperate need to feel safe.

Yeah I'm not actually going into that, but, basically, I've been way too scared over way too many things way too many times. Serious, huge things. And small things too. The small things I can deal with. But the things that make me scared, the big things that I can't necessarily protect myself from... I'm not so good at handling that, anymore, if I ever could, which I highly doubt.

and I terribly want to never feel that way again. Even once is too much.

Although I'd say there are worse feelings, none which I can explain in just a few words, and I don't have the effort to go into them in detail now.


... and in the ten minute break I took from writing this post to Failbook and other crap, my mood has sunk, badly. It's been worse, not so bad I can't fake happiness or even force myself back into that, but its finding the desire to want to be happy that I struggle with. And since I'm not really talking to anyone, there is no motivation. Am I better? Hell yes. Better than I was, but I'm not all better, not yet. But I've learned to fight this shit. You got through to me in the end. Somehow. But seriously, you'd be the reason why, every time, I choose to not stay in this thing. Sometimes, the exbestfriend too, something he said once. But mainly you. A little late, I know. But better than nothing, yeah?

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Letters to People

It's crazy how one person who you've known for really, not all that long at all, barely any time at all, can have such a huge impact on your life. And I know that usually I ignore this pain because God knows I have enough people to miss already.

But, I guess we try to see each other. I dunno, it just doesn't work.

You make me feel safe, and happy, and I love the way you make me think.

I'm scared you don't care, you're really just doing what feels like your duty, indulging this teen who is seriously messed up. Because you're so nice.

You're way too genuine, though. Right?

But whoa, I miss you like anything.

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Hello Blogosphere,

This is me.

However, I currently have no clothes. No clothes! Of course, there is that dress in the above picture, but I'm not keen for Jimit to think I've gone emo or goth... Unless I can get a white/other coloured belt I'm not wearing it out. Plus it's shapeless without one.

I'm also really not in the mood for wearing jeans, since I wear tight skinnylegs every day for school, and I'm way over it at the moment. Pants are too restrictive. I have no good skirts, or at least, no good skirts that have any tops to match them, and all my dresses are over the top. GAH.

And I'm kinda sick of shopping too coz I barely find anything I want, and if I do, it's crazy expensive.

I hate you, clothes retailers. I despise you. No I am not just fussy!

Okay, maybe I am, but whatthefuckever... ;p

Oh, oh,

Bitch, please.

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Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon, You Come and Go

You come and go...
Loving would be easy if your colours were like my dreams,
Red, gold and green,
Red gold and gree-ee-eeen

I am so easily emotionally affected by everything. I grow sad over an argument between two characters on a TV show...

I've been listening to Secondhand Serenade and a bit of Mayday Parade, and right about now, I feel sad for lost times that never happened to me. How can I be remotely nostalgic for something that never happened? I am an emotional chameleon haha.

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Zu dir, meine liebe Schwester,

You terrified me today.

I had a Biology test today that is rather weighty in terms of the whole year and which, admittedly, I spent nowhere near enough time studying for. You have no idea how scared I was for you. I don't cry easily in front of others who aren't family, but for a few minutes I had to struggle to stop shaking. Do you know how much I love you? Of course you do, for you feel the same in return, I know so, no matter the troubles.

Most of you would know that my sister is something of a source of worry to me. We are very close and I care about her far more than I could ever hope to express. I am fiercely protective of her.

She is going on a school ski trip later this year, and as such, must participate in training at the gym on Friday mornings before school. While studying during my double free before recess, after which was my Bio test, a friend of hers mentioned that she'd been feeling sick in homegroup and looked as though she was about to faint.

I've never fainted but she has once before, and is very easily affected by things like lack of sleep or painkillers or sleeping tablets, when she was barely sleeping. After taking thpse I hear it was as though she was tripping, since I wasn't present, and I've seen the same thing happen to her at least once with Panadol, although I don't believe to the same extent.

She doesn't always eat breakfast and while I rrarely do myself, I cope very well with lack of food, and besides I eat fine otherwise. She also subjects herself to rigorous excercise and sometimes her food intake is limited to foods such as celery, carrots, and other vegetables, although she's a bit better since that stage. I worry about her.

At recess, another of her friends that I bumped into and asked about her told me that she had looked pretty sick in ski trip training as well. shit. I immediately went to find her, just to check on her. She wasn't with her friends but I was told she was with a friend in the canteen line, so I headed off there. As she turned around in response to my touching her on the shoulder, she stumbled. I can't explain how worried that made me. She looked unwell too, you could see it. As she had no money or food, her friend was buying her orange juice. I asked if she could get her something, and my sister protested that she didn't want her to spend money on her, which neither of us cared about. As they entered the canteen I left, since it didn't seem incredibly bad, and managed to distract myself fairly well.

I did text my dad from a friend's phone, and so he called her, which she wasn't too happy with, but I felt he should try to talk to her, since she didn't want to go home either.

Walking to Biology at the end of recess, I wanted to see her again, but she would have already gone to class and in the ten minutes before our teacher arrived, I managed to panic, and started crying and shaking.

I'll admit, while I was worried, I was half considering whether or not I could also use it to get out of the test until Monday, once I had studied sufficiently, and while I felt ashamed of that, I did really want to be with her and make sure she was okay.

The first few minutes of the test were terrible, but I managed to calm myself down, and after it was over I checked and she was much better, having also eaten.

I don't know how I did on the test though, and I hope I did well, since it seemed relatively simple.

In second to last lesson, she told me that she was thinking of going to the gym again after school, so that I could tell mum when I got home, and I absolutely freaked, emphasising how there was no freaking way in hell she should go to the gym, regardless of whether she felt better or not.

Thankfully, she didn't.

Ughh, I love her so much, I hate feeling so helpless. Although there have been worse times, when I have had to stand by and let things take their course, and it kills me.

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"Smile like you mean it"

It is such a relief that this school week is over. So much has happened in these five days...

I talked to my friends again, I started going out with Jimit, watched an amazing play for English Studies and the Year 12 play for Westminster, the school my best friend Kat goes to.

This is how it's going to work. There are a few things I wish to post at length about, and as such, these shall be separated into different posts. Apologies.

[I've also created a new blog for the three of us, partly because I don't want our talking to each other via blog posts to invade this blog and also because I don't think other people need to be involved. Here you go.]

I saw one of my friends smile at me yesterday, and even though it may have been a little awkward, and my answering smile definitely was slightly off... Well, you may think that I was excited when the exbestfriend smiled at me... I was. But this, this was so much better... I didn't dance for excitement or anything but I felt like finally something that was wrong had been fitted back into place. Like the world got turned right way up again finally. I don't know, in one way it felt like a huge occurrence, in another it felt like we had slipped back into it easily. And a smile kept working its way across my face for a long time after.

I was nervous, when I was walking up the stairs, and saw her sitting with her boyfriend right outside where I was to pass, and I stopped to talk to Lynley, who happened to be on the stairs. I wanted to try to compose myself a little, and not walk past alone, but as we walked up the stairs, I did not hear a word she said. I wasn't sure what to do, was it too soon yet to acknowledge her with a smile? Was this actually finally happening? I was watching her as I walked past, she was looking the other way. Was it still too awkward, were we too used to turning away at the moments of passing each other? Her boyfriend was watching me watching her, but I didn't want to miss it if it would happen. There had already been so many missed times over that day and the previous with the other one...

And then she turned her head and smiled, and I smiled back as best as I could, relief just flooding through me. I saw her boyfriend notice this and say something to her, quietly, for we weren't in close proximity, and I, so flustered but happy, kept walking with Lynley past where I had to go. I could have danced with joy, if I was the dancing kind.

It was wonderful.

Concert band directly afterwards was great. Sure, technically it still sucked ass and went for ages, but that time it just didn't seem as long or as unbearable. We also didn't play the song that I absolutely hate, but even if we had...

We communicated a little. Afterwards, we laughed together, just briefly. I was scared that it was too much too soon, what if it was too awkward for her? Should we just go straight back to laughing and talking or kinda ease into it? I was so tentative, but knowing that we could look at each other at the same time and not have to hastily look away - I almost cried with happiness.

A friend mentioned to me how strange it had been to see us talking via Failbook, and I agreed. Of course, it was crazy. But it was so right. Not the Failbook part, now if it had been MySpace, then, of course. ;p

Honestly, I had expected first for these things to happen with the other one. For a start, we had a lesson together the very day after we talked, and that Thursday. I had even hoped for it, maybe. I tried to imagine it. But things never work out how I imagine. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing...

Things are better. So much better. I am not wondering if what we had can be restored, any friendship between us is wonderful, and enough for now. If that's all there ever is, then that will be enough.

On a side note, you know what drives me crazy? Hearing from other people how they've drifted apart from them. It drives me insane. Do you have any idea what are you letting yourself lose??? Surely, you can't. I almost want to scream at them. There is only one thing worse in hearing about them.

No, you do not, you do not fucking say those things. There is this guy at my school who everyone hates. He is vile. Last year when this had all begun, we used to talk in a lesson where I no longer had anyone to talk to... One day one of them came up in conversation, and having listened in on my talking to someone else, assumed that we were merely no longer friends and tried to ingratiate himself by complaining about one of them. Fuck you. Fuck you. If there weren't enough reasons to hate you already, that solely would be enough. I despise you and I will never forgive you.

It's more painful when it's people who I am friends with, who I know were friends with them. Again, are they out of their minds???

... I'm just glad we have this back, this, something.

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"And tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through"

"... and my eyes are screaming for the sight of you."

i'd still do anything for him. i still love him.

but i don't really miss him so much anymore.

i go almost whole days without thinking about him. i can last a week, at least, without truly recollecting a memory, with reliving it, and missing him, like a stab to the heart.

i mean, sure, the other day, i used my sister's deodorant, and, turns out it was one i used to use back then. and i thought of a night with you, on a rooftop, talking and just spending time. i know that moment was special for both of us, perhaps more so for me, but still. you told me so.

the rescue car, that other car, the drop bear, the drain... our private jokes.

and yes, in a recent post about Jimit, i mentioned kissing the exbestfriend. And even now if I think about it I get lost in those memories so easily.

But gone are the times of memories involving him flooding over me at any random moment, unexpectedly, or due to a tiny association. If I go into those memories, it is mainly at will.

Only, just then. Another of them wrote something on Failbook about wearing her boyfriend's t-shirt, which smells like him. And, that was one of my favourite things about you, to be honest. I know it sounds ridiculous, but you had the best smell. I loved how after we'd snuck out on our walks together at night, I'd come home and fall asleep with your smell in my hair and from that, on my pillow, and on my hoodie. I loved wearing your jackets, even though they were huge. The strangest moment was lying with you in your bed one day, our lips touching, barely breathing, and although I was also freaked out by it, I couldn't help but love that moment. That was when our friendship began to blur, shortly before we first hooked up.

Her post sent me back to so many memories, so many connections revolve around that, your smell. I love your smell. MySpace surveys and the like ask what your favourite smell is and of course I can't say you... But, that's the truth. I loved going to sleep smelling like you. I loved being around you, in every single way. Even when you were stubborn and frustrating and even when we argued. And I loved it when you hugged me back as enthusiastically as I hugged you, and when you put your arms around me, and held me, and when you tried to stop me from being scared.

I think I'm only now starting to realise that maybe, maybe my other two best friends were right. I really did like him, didn't I? A lot.

Shit.

"If truth be told, I miss you.
Truth be told, I'm lying."

But anyway, it's been good talking to her. Even just a little. Right?

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listen to me.

i was not trying to die.

It was so long ago.

But it is still there. Accept it. But then don't keep bringing it up.

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Update, Because I Suck at Post Titles.

Well, guys, I meant to post yesterday, but my mind was extremely sleep deprived and words weren't making sense coming out of my mouth. Eight hours of sleep over two nights will do that to you. Or me, at least.

I'm not much better today and if I'd had access to a computer in the morning at school, you'd all have had the many joys of reading another self-pity post. However, many factors contributed, including the lack of sleep. I got my period later today so I guess that was a problem but I also didn't take my Vitamin D tablets the day before and I think that actually had a huge impact... which is slightly worrying. I also overreact to things a lot. What can I say, I'm an overly sensitive soul... To the point where if I actually told people about certain things I get upset over I would be shot. Really.

A friend of mine keeps joking about how I talk too much and wonders why she is even friends with me. I know I know I know that it is just a joke and sometimes I am highly irritating but when it reflects how I used to feel and when I am as already low as I have been, I don't really take it too well, although I try to hide it, how successful I am I can't say. Just little things like that...

I've also, in case you haven't noticed with a post last week or so, I've been breaking things accidentally and being even more clumsy than usual, walking into things, spilling other people's drinks while they are holding it, dropping everything, and it makes me kind of feel like a fuck up at life. It's just getting so bad that it's past the point of amusing. So that has been making me feel sad.

I'm so stupid, I always manage to let little things upset me, even when there are good things happening! Because, I have news. Good news (:

I am going out with Jimit... Which I'm very happy about, and will probably go into more in another post later. I never thought it would actually happen, although we talked about it. But I'm glad it has.

Vinnie, Kathleen's friend who I kinda have a little thing for, but we don't know each other well enough to be anything more than friends, although we get along really well, is planning to ask me to formal at his school. Which, for those of you not from Australia, is prom. Of course, I'm not supposed to know about it yet, but Kat gave me a heads up, obviously. And the thing is, Kat and I were planning to get him to ask me, since both of us wanted me to go, because she goes to the same school as he does. So when he mentioned to her that he wanted to ask me, she was pretty excited, and so was I, in turn.

And the best thing of all, kinda, is that I started talking to those best friends two nights ago. When I say I started, it was more that they initiated it, because, well, I hadn't really had a chance to get around to trying to work out how to talk. Sure, it was only via MSN, but that's better than nothing, right? Only, I wasn't online last night, since... well, I barely ever use it anymore because I only ever really used it to talk to the exbestfriend and one of them, since the other couldn't get internet access at her house at the time. And as to why I say kinda is because I am the paranoid type, who is very unsure. What if they thought it sucked? Since I've seen one of them at school in the two days since, do I say hi? I haven't really been able to since we haven't made eye contact or that kind of thing, you know those awkward moments... So what do I do? I don't know and I'm so nervous and unsure.

Okay. Now that, I've got all of this out on my blog so you know what's happening, I can no longer put off writing a Poetry oral that I must do tomorrow for English Studies. I despise Poetry... Wish me luck!

Night xx

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Let's fuck this shit up y'all.

Just a few points.

- The alarm clock that my parents use to wake me up in the morning if they're both at work makes me want to fucking die. It is evil and its shrill sounds were concocted in the cesspits of hell.

- Tonight is going to be one of those nights where homework gets done only by caffeine and light of a phone under the quilt... Not fun.

- While today was not productive school wise, I did piss off vast amounts of people simply be repetitively singing the Shrek karoake dance party song, or whatever the hell its called. Day --> definitely successful. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you're more of a douche than the guy who essentially broke up with a close friend over Failbook. Really.

- For the record, you dickface of the previous point, if I was gangster and violent and shit, right about now and yesterday I'd be all like, "Let's fuck his shit up! Son of a bitch goin downnn." I'd obviously throw in some "Aww hell naww"s, something about getting all up in his grill, and definitely "being about to bust a cap in his ass". Luckily for you, I'm not like that, or *insert gangster slang for "i'd kill you" here*. That's right. I'm not someone ya wanna mess with.

- I've been like this all day. This is why I should sleep more and this is why I was asked to "sew [my] lips together like those people in refugee camps". Detention centres...

- I have friends who obviously love me greatly. See former point.

- Oh, Mr Orange. To put it nicely, please staythefuck out of this situation. You know what I'm talking about.

- As for said situation, it's better than it's been in the longest time. Since... August I think. At least, I think it was good.

- I've wished for ages that my eyes would change their shade of colour in accordance with my mood. Today I mentioned this and was looked at like I was crazy. Which is probably true, but still. It would be cool and nothing changes that! Take that, bitches.

- I laughed a lot at something I said today. Yes, I'm that annoying person who finds their jokes hilarious and laughs for ages, while everyone around them hates them for being shit at life. It's all just a part of my day. But anyway, "I put the 'ass' in 'class'. Classy." Bitch, please.

- On that note, this post draws to a close. I'll be back tomorrow with some more of my stupid shit, possibly a further rant at afore-mentioned "dickface", maybe even a post on my long neglected "Let's Talk About the Tour Guide", or perhaps some more of my gloomy outtakes on life. Coz I'm emo like that.

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post title coming soon.

I can't help it, I know I have him. Jimit, I mean. And I want him. He's probably the only decent guy I've been with (I'll explain the Chris thing another time), so a) thanks to my, friend, Becca... who encouraged me to go for it in the first place, even though that was largely because she wanted to get the exbestfriend jealous so we would get together, and b) I'm trying to be really careful.

Since a particular incident, with guys I like, I am kinda... more sexual. Not in a huge way but just a tiny little bit. And the thing is, after this whole mess, I don't want to go that way again for a long time yet. Hooking up is about as far as I want to go, and not even random hook ups.

It scared the shit out of me, kinda, and I find myself wanting even more to be with a guy who I feel safe with. After all, I've known Jimit for years now. He's a great friend and he's amazing. I've liked him before and I don't know if I'm sticking to the reassuring comfort of our relationship or if its our renewed contact when we had lost touch a little for a few months previously, which is really the only reason why we were no longer together, and then of course we moved on.

But like I think I've mentioned, I keep realising that there is far more depth to him than I had initially thought. He's the first guy in a long time who is smarter than me, on a completely intellectual level. Italics Boy and Chris... Ehh. Especially Chris. I like it when I can have a decent conversation with someone.

That's not the problem. I can't quite remember, but I think I may even like him more this time, and I liked him a lot last time, when he was almost the only stable thing in my life. Again, even that is not the problem.

Especially while intoxicated (hey, here's a solution - don't freaking drink!), I go a little bit further than I mean to. I don't know how to explain it. It's more that I imply going further, or something. But I really don't want to! And then I'm scared that if this other person, whoever they may be, at any future time, gets that idea, I will feel bad for implicating that and will go along with it because I don't know how too extricate myself.

I've already decided not to drink with anyone but good friends, and Jimit is a good friend, but it is myself that I can't trust, if I'm honest with myself. Although he isn't like that, what if I then insist on something, god knows what exactly..? Because I can see myself doing that, for the reason that I want to make him happy and "guys want sex" and that whole idea, no matter that I'd rather die.

And then my definite following resentment would result in getting pissed off at him, and that would ruin our friendship. Even though I want more.

I can't get enough of him, of talking to him by phone call, by text, by IM, by Failbook; when I'm around him I want some physical contact all the time, whether it's hugging him, holding hands, or just, any little thing. I like just watching him talk to other people, even though I realise that's creepy. And I want to kiss him, and even when I do it's not enough, and I want more. I want to kiss him until I can't breathe, and apart from the night I first hooked up with Chris (alcohol was involved here too... See a trend?), the last time I wanted that or actually got that was with Jimit, and before that with the exbestfriend. Which was different altogether but let's not go there because that was in a memory collection all on its own and how do I explain that? The roughness of his stupid half grown beard against my palm and the feel of his jawbone beneath that, other hand entwined in his also kinda stupid long hair to keep our heads as close together as possible, with him doing the same, except for, you know, my lack of facial hair... And my hair was a perfectly decent length! I'll stop now because I know, it's sickening, and no one on god's green earth ever wants to know, but in remembering moments like that, how can I argue that I didn't like him as more than a friend?

It sounds so ridiculous I've been trying to avoid the word, but, it's passion. And I never thought I'd like Jimit so much.

This post is so awkward so it's going to end now. ;p

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Re:

I don't want to make you upset. I never did, and I sucked at that, and I'm so sorry. I know my apologies are far too late and can never ever do enough.

I would have hurt her, I would have hurt her in any and every fucking way possible, if she had carried out or even tried to carry out any of this threats she made against you. Even just saying what she did. I know it's stupid to get involved in other people's fights, but you were my best friend, I would not take that. I could not take that. She said the stupidest things, she was ridiculous. I still have an MSN conversation saved in a word file callled Brandon the Hero, when her boyfriend was taking her side and trying to join in. What a dick. Of course I was there.

I don't know when I became so caught up in my own feelings, I don't know how I got that way, but no matter what, I would still defend you, I still do.

This upcoming music trip... I can't see you being alone. You were always so good at making friends. Even though things have changed so much now, with everyone, you wouldn't have that problem, would you? You're the pretty, bubbly, outgoing, funny one. Even though I usually try to hide it, I still feel awkward around people so much, not knowing what to say. Except with some. Like you.

What do I want? I don't know...

I want you to be fucking happy. Maybe you can't do that when you are friends with me. I try to be happy and although I'm getting better at it, sometimes I get upset for no reason, and moody and just strange.

And in that case, if my seemingly uncontrollable, volatile emotions prevent us from being friends, then in one way I don't want us to be friends again. Of course I do, I want it more than anything. But I don't want to make you sad, and I don't know if I can help it. God knows I've done it often enough already to last a lifetime.

I never wanted that. I never wanted to hurt you.

I never ever imagined we would find ourselves where we are today.

How could I ever imagine such a thing?

Sometimes, what happened is clear to me; at others, I just don't understand it.

I wish I had a definite idea of something. But I have no idea. And I have no idea what I specifically want.

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/keyyboard mash.

The sickly sweet taste of cheep alcohol drunk for social ease is lingering and I want it gone. Every single time I have ever been tipsy - drunk, something bad has happened. Why do I persist in this?

The first time I was drunk I cut myself. And it was crazy, those gashes and that spurting of blood, and my reaction was one of both exhiliration and fear. Then there was the time I upset my best friends. I cried for a week over that till I finally got off my ass and tried to talk to them. Did I learn from that? Hell no. Then there was how I lost my virginity. And all the stupid shit those other times. I saw him the other day... I went to smile at him, but then I saw the awkward look he gave me, and remembered and ended up with a wry smile of acknowledgement. Ridiculous. I'd still have wanted to be friends.

This time I pissed off Jimit. Just a little, and he's so forgiving. I keep realising that there is far more depth to him than I initially thought, and I love that. But ohmygod, I can barely keep myself away from /off him, even when I'm sober and trying. It wasn't that which made him angry, there was more to it. But ugh. He was already let down by one of his best friends not coming to his 18th, and then I, one of his good friends, went and got drunk at a no alcohol party due to his parents' strictness. I don't understand how I have such good and forgiving and caring and understanding friends, when time and time again I have shown I don't deserve that and don't do enough to change anything.

I am talking to him now in our customary nightly manner...

How can I ever tell him that I like him again? A lot?

You know the stupidest thing I ever did? It was this text message I sent once, to my best friends, telling them how many scars I had from self harming. To this day, I wonder why the fuck I did that. Why??? There are so many things I did wrong. Why can't we have the benfit of hindsight at the very time??? Why do I follow through with my stupid ideas?

I'm so tired.

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hit me one more fucking time. i dare you.

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Untitled.

Sometimes it's more than I can take. To wonder what you're thinking. Do you ever think about me? When you do, what do you think? Do you think 'OMG what an overly emotional/fucked up bitch?' Or anything likewise negative? Do you remember the good memories, and even the bad memories? Do you wonder what things would have been like now? Do you wonder what might happen now instead? Do you miss me? Do you pretend like you were never friends with me? Do you talk about me to other people in passing, like I always accidentally do, remembering a memory and being like oh. Do you talk to each other about me? Does he talk to either of you? Do you talk to him? About me.

Do you ever, just briefly wish we were still friends?

I don't know that I really want to know the answer to any of those questions.

My mum mentioned one of you today. I desperately trying to avoid saying your name. She doesn't realise that it was you too, she thinks it was just the exbestfriend and the other one. I don't know how, since it was always our group of three. She liked you, because you wore skirts sometimes, and that makes me laugh, because she told me so many times, why can't you wear skirts more often like your friend? But she always forgot your name, she barely ever knew any of my friends' names. I don't know why, of all days, she thought to mention you today.

I'm trying to write something for tomorrow. Again, I don't know if I can.

[If you are reading, I really more than anything don't want you to read this.]
Those of you who have read my blog, from the start, will remember that I talked about how it actually physically hurts. And it's like, shit, my whole chest is so tight and hurts so much I can't even describe it. And you know, that hasn't been happening so much lately. So maybe I'm finally getting over it. But I don't want to. All those times I said "I would die without you", and, then, after all, I didn't. And I don't know, it, to me, felt like a betrayal. On my side. I didn't want that. So I wanted it to hurt, even more than it already did. But was I trying to make it hurt more or was I just trying to remember everything?

I didn't want to die, even without them. And I wanted to want that, but I just didn't. Not really. Even with the hospital, and the police, and the file, ohmygod, I just didn't want to think for a while. I was never going to DO anything. Yes, I don't think any of you know this, but when I came back to school, and they made me leave, and I didn't want to, and then I left but then I went for a walk and then the police came to find me and take me home... I was so scared and angry and alone. I know I said I didn't want to be alive, but I didn't want to die. I couldn't believe you thought that, I couldn't believe you would do what you did, and how everyone thought the same thing. It seemed absurd to me, although I knew, I knew how it would seem from your place. I wasn't mad about the hospital thing, I understood. I was angry because you thought I might kill myself.

And I would never.

But how were you to know?

All I knew then was that I was alone, more alone than I had ever been and that I had no one, no one who I could go to, no one who I could cry in front of, no one to even just give me a hug and listen. Of course my family, but how could I explain these things to them? I couldn't, and I wanted to protect my sister. Kathleen and Michelle, my best friends from primary school, knew the basics, but barely. I couldn't just weep to them over the phone, I didn't even understand what happened. They did what they could but they never knew how fucked I was. I just wanted someone. Nothing made sense at that point and I cried over everything. I stopped sleeping in my room, listening to my favourite song, eating chips from the local deli. I've recently listened to that song again, twice, and I've eaten chips there once, last week, but I still don't sleep in my room. Everything, everywhere was painful because it was a reminder of them and of the fact that I was alive. I felt acutely just how alive I was and it was so painful, I didn't want to feel that.

I'd felt like that before, over something. It was terrible. But then, I had David, at least. Although then I didn't even know if I had family.

Again, it was the feeling of the world being turned on its head. My world. And when I overdosed on painkillers and broke my promise to you, specifically to you, it made things worse. I failed all my classes at school that term. Like I said, nothing made sense. I thought that I had tried all I could and that there was nothing more I could do.

I hoped you weren't hurt over it but I had no idea what was going on and I assumed you were fine, because, you seemed fine. I don't know how I seemed but I felt all too vacant one moment, all too alive the next. I didn't think I was enough to hurt people. I still don't know. I never wanted you to know about the hospital incident. I half didn't want you to hear and be upset over it and half didn't want you to know and not care, and I was scared it was the second one that would be true. And it was...

Things aren't like that anymore. I don't actually struggle to breathe over that, except rarely. I don't get flashbacks of memories that make me lose all focus completely. I don't die inwardly every time I hear your name, I have developed a mechanism to distance the past from the future, mostly. I keep the present out of it and continue on conversation relatively normally, although a piece of my mind tells me something is wrong. It doesn't hurt as much, as often.

I don't know that I want that! I don't want to forget you, or what you mean to me, I still don't want to give up although that's ridiculous, isn't it? It's been too long, and the reality of that is only recently sinking in.

I don't know.

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"My Depth Perception Must Be Off Again"

To be perfectly honest, I am dreading tomorrow. I will explain then, but for now, today has been rather a... queer day. Oh, you better believe I just said "queer".

I saw one of my best friends' dad on the bus home from the city tonight (I had to visit the State library. If possible, it was duller than it sounds, for all of the 5 minutes we were actually there. But that's a story for another post.). That was a little awkward.

Today I found out about a new couple. I was freaked out, to say the least, although everyone else seemed completely unfazed, saying it had been a long time coming. I tried to say how it was like if the exbestfriend and i had started going out, and the friend I was with just looked at me, and I admitted that, yes, okay, no one would have been surprised at that with the exception of myself. We could never have been together. Trust me on that. I wouldn't have wanted to risk our friendship, even with my friends urging me to take the chance because it might be worth it, and as much as I wanted to listen to them, I knew he didn't like me, and even if he had...

But that is all null and void now.

Anyway, if we had ever become a couple, I would have been the most shocked person. If I had a clone, she would have been shocked too. What can I say, I am completely unperceptive, totally oblivious. I just... don't pick up on things. It's irritating.

But so I was freaked out by this.

A few people were upset today, and I hate how I never know the right thing to say, I hate how I get the crazy urge to smile in an uncomfortable situation and then my efforts to suppress it leave me with a sickly looking grin/grimace.

This morning began by stepping almost directly in front of a car which I didn't see when crossing the road. It wasn't that close to be honest, but I suck at crossing roads and always freak out. To tell the truth, I was trying to pull myself together. For those of you who don't know, the exbestfriend lives directly opposite me on my street, but I have not seen him leaving for school in all this time, until today. I lost my thoughts for a few minutes there.

And then, meeting my friends getting off the bus, I somehow managed to meet eyes with another one of my best friends. It was an awkward moment, as those always are... But today, I dunno, it seemed different. Like she was trying to find something. Maybe it was just coincidence. Maybe it was me, after this past weekend in the blogosphere.

I don't know. I wish I did. Those looks are like... I know I've described them as dead before, as wrong. Whereas such a look before would have led to recognition and a smile, and going towards each other, it is now like accidentally catching the eye of a stranger. But worse. I think she said something similar about it, but I can't remember anymore...

I'm seeing Phantom of the Opera on stage on Wednesday. I'm excited, but organising lifts, etc., is hectic, not to mention schoolwork. Speaking of which, I need to do some now..

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An Award and Some Medical Matters

Firstly, I'd like to thank Elizabeth of Perpetual Smile, who passed onto me the first  of her new "Bloggy Love" awards. You can read about it as well as what she had to say about And Cinderella Lost Her Shoe here. For those of you who saw my reaction, you know that I couldn't my grin of happiness over this - it was wonderful. So thanks again Elizabeth, you're great, and not just because of this award. Feel free to give Bloggy Love to anyone, just link back to that post and use the picture, which I have on my sidebar and is also in Elizabeth's post. And regardless, go check out her blog! (:

I've just returned from the Doctor's. Some of you may know I have been taking tablets for low iron and Vitamin D for six months, and this is the first time I'd been back for a check up. While my Vitamin D levels have come up slightly, they are still far below the acceptable range, and when it comes to Iron, whereas at the time of my blood test six months ago I was only just in the acceptable range, I have now dropped far below it... My levels have dropped since taking the tablets...

If I'm honest, I haven't always taken my Vitamin D tablets twice a day, but I do usually, so I don't understand how this could have happened. My dosages have been doubled, so I now need to take six tablets a day - 4 for Vitamin D and 2 for Iron. Needless to say, I'm not keen on that.

I'm a little... peeved about this. But it's a good thing I had a cold the other day and so couldn't donate blood - one must have sufficient Iron levels and I would have donated, lacking this, without knowing. Although they do extra checks there, but as far as I know, only for blood pressure and cholesterol levels. Don't quote me on that.

Catcha on the flipside ;)

xx

P.S. Next weekend, I do not care how much homework I have and what my parents say, I am going the fuck out. So sick of being at home.

P.P.S. Actually I already have plans - it's Jimit's 18th. Yay :)

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Letters to People IV

Dear J,

This is for you.

What did you think about what I said? I know what you said your response was, but of course it was more turbulent than you can express... I didn't do it to taunt you, or just for the sake of continuing it on. There is an essence of truth to that statement, even now. How could I forget all that passed between us? Even with all that has happened since, you know that, I've spoken of that connection we still hold. I still feel it and in some ways I still care. In some ways I don't, because when I chose to cut ties, well, I found with you that I'm pretty good at it. But it's never been entirely without regrets.

And the argument "what goes around comes around" could be put to good use here, hey? That was the last thing I expected.

Don't think I never miss/ed you. There are still times when I remember little things. It will never ever be the same, even if you could forego your perfectly justified wariness, and even though sometimes I have wanted to. I won't let myself entertain such thoughts, to be honest, because things have changed. That friendship was one that I feel should be left in the past, just because it was a good thing, and I don't want the memory of that damaged. There is more to it, that is true. I'm not quite sure what those things are, though. I'm not sure I want to.

But that song, it brought you to mind for me, and sometimes it still does. It wasn't that long ago but we were so, so painfully innocent that it feels like another lifetime. I don't know that I can connect to who I was then, I can only look back as through a misted glass, but I somehow brought with me that connection between us up until now, and probably a while yet. And you know what?

It's not utterly, completely, wholly true now, and yet, in some ways, it still is.

Until the day I die.

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[Insert relevant song lyrics as title here]

I am such a pansy. It's not always a bad thing - I'm not at all keen on horror movies (gross understatement), and I am fine with that. No, what I have a problem with is how scared I am to face up to reality (see example, although I'd like to think I'm not quite that bad.) I hide from facing so many things...
I'm also far too emotional. I have a cry about everything, and look far too much on the negative side rather than the positive side, although, compared to some, I'm absolutely bursting with sunshine...
The point is, I need to toughen up. I thought that I was getting stronger, emotionally, in not falling to pieces in front of my friends. The thing is, all I've been doing is heaping it onto this blog, instead, where I half hope it will remain unread, and half hope that both you who know me in real life and those who are just friends through the blogosphere will listen [read] and sympathise and possibly throw in their two cents, and give me a shoulder to cry on and I hope to god some comfort. Like I said, pansy. I need to stand for myself, and not drape myself all over others weeping and hoping for sympathy and something/someone to lean on.

I am better than that, damnit.

I am stronger than that and I need to start acting that way.

Except it's so easy to forget this shit. I need to put more effort into every damn area of my life.

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I Think I'm Getting Dumber.

And you may think I'm secretly blonde once I have told you the story of why. My friend told me that I was dumber than Paris Hilton - I'm so ashamed. (There'll be a poll at the end, don't worry.)

And btw, my Google Reader is fucked at the moment, what with my following 207 blogs and all (yes, two hundred and freaking seven) so I'm desperately trying to catch up on everything and if I don't comment on some kick ass post, yeah sorry. I know you'll miss me. -_-

So today, I'm kind of disheartened because it seems like I'm turning into one of those people who break everything they touch to the point where it's just plain embarrassing rather than funny, and you kinda wonder whatthefuck their point on earth could possible be other than to make you feel like a person of more worth. Take, for instance, the character Frank of old BBC comedy "Some Mothers Do 'Ave Em", which my parents are currently watching on DVD.

Case in Point 1.

This morning, I was about to leave for school, when, with one last look in the mirror, I noticed a dark stain on my jumper. At first, I, somewhat confusedly, thought it was blood, possibly because at the same time I accidentally stabbed my finger on one of the open safety pins that were supposed to be holding the strap of my bag in place, although they do that barely. That broke again today, irrepairably. Or, you know, I came to that conclusion because I am quite simply, morbid as fuck. It was also a strange reversal of an incident that occurred many years ago when I was a child, when I cut my hand opening a tube of tennis balls (pulling off the foil covering under the lid) in the car in the dark and was bleeding all over the tennis balls but somehow thought it was ink or oil...

I soon realised it couldn't be, and was attempting to wash it off when I realised it was ink that must have leaked from a pen in the pocket of my jumper. In washing it out I left a huge wet mark on my jumper. I was already wearing my school bag and didn't want to waste time, so... I proceeded to try to iron the wet patch on my jumper... while still wearing it.

I always knew it was a stupid idea, although I guess I never really worked out why... I thought, it's my jumper, it's wet, so the heat won't penetrate to my skin. I AM INSANE.

Less than 5 seconds later, I yelped in pain. OHMYGOD. It was so hot.

Duh.

So I ended up ironing my jumper on the ironboard after removing it, leaving faint ink stains on the ironboard cover in the process.

As a friend pointed out to me, why the FUCK didn't I use the hairdryer on it?

It never even crossed my mind.

I fucking suck.

Case in Point 2.

Why is my school bag broken? Well, it all began when walking through the library doors, where they have the same sort of things on the side as at shops, to make sure no one just steals books. I caught my bag in one of these without realising, kept walking, and tore the strap off the bag at the bottom. I have been attempting to hold it together with a whole bunch of safety pins since the bag is plastic and I know that if I tried to sew it back, things would only worsen.

Safety pins really aren't doing it anymore.

Case in Point 3.

We had a Biology practical today which involved cutting up Agar into cubes. Agar is jelly-like, but firmer, and I amused myself by drawing on the leftovers with my pen that is not a ball-point and I can't work out what type it is. Said pen no longer works. At all.

It was new.

Case in Point 3.

Today we had Maths, since we don't have every lesson every weekday. I forgot my Maths workbook, textbook, and calculator. I'd say the only thing I had that was able to be used in that subject was my pen, but I had already destroyed that earlier, in Biology, and happened to have on hand a pen I have borrowed from somebody else, forgotten to return, and now cannot recall who owns it, and no one else seems to know.


I could go on for hours but it's becoming a little too depressing and I'm going out soon so time is not on my side, although thank God, in this situation.

I'm angry at myself, because in our Biology practical, we used razor blades to cut the cubes, and everyone laughed over the brand of these blades being "Happiness". The irony here is obvious, but the thing is, I contributed by saying something about Emos, etc. It's not hard to work out the gist of any of those comments. But the thing is, I have been there, I know certain other people in the same area have cut themselves and I was completely insensitive and cruel about it. Talk about contributing to the stereotype. Because it isn't funny, and even though some people do it for attention, a lot of the time that is because they need help but can't express it in a normal way. I've thought that since before I ever did it, but as to why I did, there are so many different reasons. And I could never have stopped without one particular person.

The first person I told besides the ex ex best friend, and who stuck around for my relapse and getting through trying to quit again. I can't remember if I ever told her how grateful I was and am to her, specifically, although there were many general thank-you's to all of my friends who helped in some way, and I hope so much that I did, because I don't think I could ever have stopped without her. And she was right there in the room and I wondered if the conversation reminded her of me - what a terrible thing to connect with me. I see her more often than the others, and its excruciating because I think of how this time would be spent if things hadn't gone the way they had. And even when sometimes I think, fuck it, I'm going to leave my arms and stomach in shreds and pouring with blood, it's for her I don't, although I don't even know if it matters to her anymore, and I half hope it does and half that it doesn't, because, really, which is worse? I don't know anymore. Better for her, better for me; is anything best for the both of us??

And why I am I speaking about her now when I have tried so hard and so long to block her out? That sounds terrible, but if I didn't I don't know what I would do. In some ways, that's the hardest to deal with, because we were the ones who talked. I'd tell them all the same stuff but just, it was different, with her. We talked in depth about freaking everything. And it's talking about the really serious shit and just typical teen matters that I miss. Just, the way that we talked. Kathleen is great, but. It's not the same.

Nothing with other people could ever be the same.

And finally, for the answer to my question, I actually let myself read her blog [and the other's] tonight and then, well, then I obviously couldn't block it anymore. Now I'm more confused than ever. And there's only four days to go and I don't want it to get here, because one was bad enough. And even though the day before I'd done the stupidest thing I could have, that was barely on my mind.

[And, well, I guess that maybe you're reading this [?] and I wonder what you'll be thinking, but I have nowhere left to go, and I decided a long time ago that this was where I would write what I was thinking. I don't fucking know, I hide in every other way, I don't want to leave here too.

So maybe I won't write that letter. Because half the time I'm writing to all of you on here anyway.

You know, this post began and I was determined not to think about you, to make it to you or about you, all of you, for once. But what you said is running through my head and I'm trying to make sure I understand.

I hope you'll never think he was more important. He was just the one who was around the most, and from all that time together, to nothing. Fuck. I still don't know, I still don't think it was that way. But I wonder. "What's it like to kiss someone with a beard?" I remembered her asking that the other day, when I'd told both of you about hooking up with the exbestfriend, and how you both laughed as we walked our separate ways to different classes. That made me laugh.

But you know what? I realised, months ago, that I can deal with not being his friend. I always knew we wouldn't be "best friends forever". But I truly thought that about you two, and I guess, I guess that we all thought that but, I dunno. Semester One exam week, last year, sitting at the shops; do you remember the old lady who had the hair like the scary woman from Spirited Away? And how after we laughed at her, we talked about how we had to still be friends when we were old and had grey hair?

It's things like that I wish I could forget.]


In other news, guys, I may be getting back with Jimit. We were talking about it, and I dunno. I do like him but a friend says it would be a bad idea for me to get into a relationship with anyone at the moment, and I know that's probably true, but I just disagree. I can't really think of a reason why not to, so enlighten me, as I'm sure I'm just too fucking blonde to realise.

Anyway, after the longest-ass and most rambly post I have written in fifty years, here is your poll. What is your opinion on my level of blondeness? Dumber than Paris Hilton, secretly blonde, dropped on my head as a child, my mother drank while pregnant with me, or what? All conclusions welcome ;)

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The countdown is almost over, and I dunno what I'm gonna do.
I'm dreading it so much, and I don't know whether to be all like, fuck it, and just go out. Or if I should go, and not go to lessons.
I know I'm definitely going to that. I don't want the day to come.
There's one more letter I want to write, but I don't know if I can. I've been trying to, but everytime I even think about, I freak the fuck out. What would I say? omg. this is up for delete.
Idk, it was different to the others, they were all different, and that's what makes this so hard
I thought, yesterday, I thought, shit, I think I'm getting better at this. I hated that thought but I was kinda relieved. And then, today. Today was so wrong.
And then I saw the day, the day the countdown ends, and four others with all their attachments, in Maths class of all things, and I was holding back tears. And that brought more freaking memories because I cried so many times in Maths in year 9, with the other one. And she was the one person who saw me cry the most, and comforted me with my fucked up "nothing is wrong but i feel terrible" shit. But it wasn't even about her. I know this post is fucked.
I'm so angry, I have maths tutoring and my mum has gone to the shops and moved all my books and i can't find my textbook, and he'll be here in like 10 seconds what the fuck do i do.
gahkjgfgakldf.
It's like everything moves between being surreal and far too painfully real

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Ex Best Friend,

She died of complications with her diabetes. You have no idea how scared that makes me for you. It was bad enough knowing that it can make people go blind and have other problems earlier, and even end their lives earlier, but in their twenties??? I never thought about that.

Of course, there are many factors in life that can contribute to one's untimely death, but... Diabetes is just one extra thing.

And I love you too much to want that to happen, ever.

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Letters to People III

Dear Jimit,

[Coz I wanted "The Jimit Post" published prior to this]

I know we've been through a lot of different forms of our relationship, from friends --> friends with a few benefits --> unofficially dating --> god knows what else. And I fully thought we were past all that crushes stage, I mean, we've already been there, done that, were together for a few months, even though you could say I cheated on you with the Ex Best Friend in that time but since nothing was ever official I guess that technically I didn't... Whatever. That is something I will probably never tell you.

So I thought we were again at a simple, uncomplicated stage of friends (who hook up, but that's neither here nor there[damn, I am in love with that phrase at the moment, forgive me for its repeated appearance throughout posts]). And lately we have been talking far more than, well, since we were together. We have that ridiculous habit of being in contact a lot, almost 24/7 at times, for a few consecutive weeks, and then falling out of touch and barely speaking until the cycle begins anew. And while the cycle has been run through a few times since last October/November, whenever it was, we hadn't quite reached such a level of constant communication again, till now. Considering my broken phone without text messaging capabilities, this is quite a feat, since we never see each other apart from our organised catch-ups and once-in-a-blue-moon random occasions. Internet and mobile are our main forms of communication, and occasionally calls via the landline, but these have to be planned out in advance anyway so that no one else will pick up the phone, just to avoid any awkward circumstances with family. So, I'm so glad we've stayed in touch so well this time.

I know both of us love this renewed conversationalism between us, and seeing you more often is great. You're funny in that terribly lame way and we just, connect. The only thing that irritates me is the way we never have that serious depth to our relationship; you're just not that kind of person. We talk about serious matters occasionally, but never at length, more in passing. That's cool, you're not really into that kind of thing. But a serious aspect is a huge side of my personality, and that's why we could never have a proper, well, serious, relationship.

But the thing is, I like you a lot. As a friend. And you're a great kisser. So, things are a little blurry right about now, to be honest. I'm not sure if I like you as more than a friend again... I'm not worried about damaging our friendship since we're good like that, but... I dunno. I just don't see it happening, although sometimes I wonder. I would love to know if you have any of this going on on your side, or if it's really just me. But there's no way in hell I could ask, because I've seen (and laughed hysterically) at your reactions to girls telling you they like you, and your inability to respond in appropriate ways. Although they were girls that you aren't attracted to, weren't even very good friends with, if at all, and would never consider them in that way. Whereas I know the opposite is true with us.

So what are you thinking???

And, I'll admit, I'm a little irritated over the idea that Chris has pretty much won. Stupid, maybe, but the first to move on after a break up has "won", and don't try to tell me how childish that is. I don't care that he is with that Ashleigh chick, although I do hate how he avoids me constantly now, even before he got with her. Especially since when I was trying to decide between him and Italics Boy, he said that even if I chose to be with Italics Boy, he's still want us to be friends, etc. And now, we're not. It is the very fear of this occurring that would have never allowed anything to happen with the ex best friend, even if had ever liked me. But this is worth a whole blog post, so, later.

I'm just sayin', I don't want him to think that I care because that is what would really piss me off. Grr. I want to be friends with him. And I'm okay with him "winning the game" because ohmygod i couldn't stand how much he was around at times, and am henceforth never dating anyone at school in the half a year and a bit I have left ever again. Unless they're really special, and unless someone moves here, I doubt that coz I'd have noticed. It's just that he's being so sfjasdkljlds about it. w/e.

So anyway, Jimit, back to you. If there was anyone I could be with right now, it would be you. What can I say, we just work together. ;) And it would make Elyse and that Yesha chick jealous as all hell... Not that I find glee in this idea of taunting these sad, unrequited lovers of yours. Although you've already mishandled the situation enough. ;P

I love you. I'm so glad I know you.

xoxox

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The Jimit Post

Yes, Jimit is a name. A person's name. No, it isn't Indian. I have no idea from whence it has been derived... I don't know if he does either.

So here are the essential details about the one Indian friend, sometimes more, in my life.

It's crazy to think that we are the good friends we are now, considering our history, and even how we met in the first place. My crazy best friend, his girlfriend at the time. Funny how later she urged us to get together and still speculates about us one day getting married and having kids together. Thanks but no thanks Michelle.

We got along so well the first time we met, after much talking via MySpace, but then didn't see each other for another three months because of certain other crap that was going on, but thank God we sorted that out. Even so, we didn't see each other much, due to his being in Year 12 and us both having to lie about who we were with when meeting up thanks to our parents' rules against dating. We were friends that hooked up for a long time before we began to like each other and were unofficially together for a few months late last year, much to Michelle's excitement.

We've shared a lot of embarrassing moments and I never go long without laughing when I'm with Jimit, from our misunderstandings of each other to all those mortifying movie incidents. I don't think I insult any other of my friends as much either, but it's all in good fun, and I did plan his birthday party for him, right down to the date and decorations. I "explain all the technical stuff" to him that everyone already knows, like how to lurk MySpace comments when people have chosen to hide theirs.

There have been times where we would be in contact in some form for every waking hour, for weeks, and times in between where we don't speak at all. We've had pretty much the craziest friendship ever, and even though it's very casual, he knows some pretty important stuff about me and still hasn't judged me for it. We have the same views on relationships and many other things, and I can't explain how good it is to know Jimit. Especially now, talking for hours every other night on the phone, which helps both of us sleep better. Almost none of my other friends are up for conversation at random hours of the night, and would spend money on me for it. Even fewer would be willing to be woken up by me calling, which he is surprisingly fine with.

I never thought I'd be friends with an Indian! Since my parents are both Indian, although I was born and have been brought up in Australia and consider myself to be Australian, I don't like the idea of associating with Indian people for the most part, mainly because I don't want others to think I am one of those cultural snobs who move to another country but seclude themselves and keep only amongst people from their former country. Yes, I care too much about other people. I also prefer Australians, culture-wise, etc. Indians think and live so differently to Australians/Americans/the English, and while I am fine with that, they're just not people I want to spend a heap of time with. But since Jimit moved here when he was one and is now eighteen (as of today), he's as Australian as I, even though I have (proudly!) been Australian from birth. And so I have made an exception to both my casual standard thought of not-really-being-friends-with-Indians and my absolute rule of never-being-with-an-Indian-EVER, because, like I said, he doesn't really count, and he's pretty damn awesome. :) :) :)

P.S. Happy 18th ;)

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Regret, or something like it.

Referring back to this incident, even at the time, in my inebriated state, I knew I was going to regret it. As I have already said. But there is more to it.

I've always wanted to make other people happy. I've always wanted everyone to like me. Even if I didn't like them. I hatehatehate being disliked or looked down on by anyone, and this is often conflicting for me. I'll still often do things I don't want to do and aren't necessarily good for me either, simply because it's what the other person wants. But if you make me feel needed, loved, pretty, wanted, or anything positive, you're almost definitely going to get whatever it is you want. Conversely, I feel guilty very easily so you can play that card too. I know, I should stand up for myself, but I have this slight neediness when it comes to other people... Working on it, kinda.

That night, I remember MF saying that he had hoped this would happen. My mental reaction was to raise my eyebrows, but god only knows what expression was plastered across my face. I remember him saying that he found me really hot and he had wanted to get with me but hadn't expected that he could... I remember thinking that he was just saying this because he really just wanted to get laid but at that moment I would just pretend he meant it and accept it even though I didn't believe it. I remember thinking that I was pathetic to be so desperately needy for compliments and to feel desirable that I would compromise my values and my self-worth just so I could pretend I was wanted for a while.

I remember how gentle he acted and how he looked worried and kept saying he didn't want to hurt me, and yet it was really too late anyway, because it hurt so much, but at the time I didn't care, and I knew that was ridiculous. I remember him saying that he felt bad for me because I kept calling the ExBestFriend and only getting through to his voicemail, and my thinking that he probably actually couldn't care less.

I remember rambling about how I was so very drunk and that I got drunk so fast, thinking that being such a lightweight was embarrassing, and him saying that he wasn't that drunk. I remember hating the idea of that because it was unfair, and he knew what he was doing and that showed his lack of respect for me even though I agreed to it, and because he would be able to better remember it afterwards, when I knew I would want to forget it utterly.

And throughout it all I was trying, and failing, to berate myself for this, wondering why I didn't care at the moment, even though I knew I would later, and trying to make myself so that I would stop; wondering what was wrong with me and how much I would hate myself for this later. But at the time I just didn't care.

And that is what has me so perplexed that I still cannot get my head around it...

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And It Goes Round and Round in Circles

I know, I know. It's terrible blog etiquette to post anymore than once per day, really, and especially with two so close together. I need to say something and I don't know what.

But it's like a picture of you was stamped on everything in my life and won't come off. Rather, it's spreading, being added to more stuff. It's not fair and I just want to whine and have a cry about it like a little child.

Even though I've already said it all, a million times over. I don't want these reminders and these unexpected moments that hit me like a ton of bricks. No matter how happy I am feeling, when this happens, it all comes crashing down, even if there are others around and I attempt to put up a facade. I remain distracted with the effort for a while after.

oh god. I just want to have some direction again. I want to be complete in myself, or something. I don't want such lack of control over my life. I'm almost angry, but not. I just want this gone. I don't want to have to deal with it. I can't deal with it. I can't deal with things, and yes I am weak, and cowardly, and sometimes I just don't want to stand up and keep going against the things that hurt, because it is too hard to do continuously, I need to stop, run to the nearest safe place and cry until I feel strong enough to re-emerge and continue on; is that such a bad thing? I want to jump on a plane or a bus or a train and just leave, leave all this headfuck behind. Not even forever, not even for long, just long enough. I want to be happy again. Properly happy. And I don't know how to do that, I don't know how I got this messed up and then continued to make it worse. I'm scared and confused and I really just need a hug and to somehow explain everything to someone, and that is the real, biggest problem. I am alone. And that's the thing I fear most in the whole world.

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So You Say the Present's Just A Pleasant Interruption to the Past... I'd say it's not always that pleasant.

A teacher, in discussing poetry, got me thinking about my first kiss the other day. He mentioned how he, at 65, had never forgotten the memory of the wonder of his first kiss. He also asked me if I remembered mine, which was kinda embarassing, but, I do. That night was really special, even if I regret some of the other events that transpired to cause its occurrence, and even though David has misplaced my trust in him innumerous times before and since.

I was 15 and a half, so it wasn't that long ago, really. The beginning of 2008, about halfway through January, although the only real reason I can pinpoint the date with any degree of accuracy is because I had just returned home from a family holiday to India and he was the first friend I saw, the following weekend. I think it would have been the 17th.

We had been friends for nearly a year, and during that time had been very close at certain points. After he admitted to me that he liked me, I freaked out a lot, rather than being ecstatic, since I had only just begun to realise that I liked him too. Nothing really happened although I think I later told him I felt the same way, and after a short while we hardly talked at all. We didn't have any friends in common and we were in different social circles so it was awkward for both of us, since both of us care a lot about other people's opinions.

He was one of those people who was friends with a lot of people, always loud and funny, sometimes thoughtful, but had only a couple of close friends that he would talk to about important matters. Almost as soon as he developed a close friendship with someone, he would distance himself. Or so I have come to realise, over time. And as he told me on that night, while he really liked me, I had some pretty messed up things going on in my life, with cutting myself and all. So he just, stopped talking to me, apart from an occasional smile or wave when I saw him at school. I liked him a lot, for months, and so did he, apparently, although at the time I didn't know.

So that hurt a lot, especially since I leant on him emotionally pretty heavy at times. Looking back, I really had no idea of the impact I had on people in that way; all I knew was that I was falling apart and I clutched at my friends to save myself, never realising that sometimes it was too much for them to handle. Learning to deal with my problems myself is something I'm still doing, and I often forget. That, a lot of the time, is what this blog is for.

While my family was away in India, an occasionally recurring event happened for the first time, that which I have mentioned twice recently, once in my first "Letter to People" and secondly, in the post "Secrets." So I was scared out of my mind, as this first occasion was the most dreadful, and alone with no one to turn to in a country I didn't want to be in, I resorted to messaging David, with the mobile I had there. I don't remember the reasoning behind this, but his response, in part at least, was what I needed more than anything. That began us talking once more, and when I finally got back, he wanted to make sure I was okay.

My parents are pretty strict when it comes to guys, they don't believe that dating is appropriate at such a young age... Whatever. They have never been very keen on either I or my sister spending time alone with a guy, so I snuck out of the house at night to meet up with David. I had thought I was finally over him, but his protective and comforting words had me right back where I had been months ago. I liked him a lot, but I knew he was over me. How he had even liked me before was a huge mystery to me. My self esteem, while a vast improvement from early high school, was still terribly low in comparison to today.

Anyway, I seriously wasn't expecting anything when we met up. I didn't know what would happen. It hadn't even crossed my mind. I'm unassuming like that.

So when he kissed me, I was very surprised. I'm not going to go into detail but we had a proper conversation for the first time in ages that night, and talked about so much stuff. I also had my first kiss, and I was very happy because I liked him so much, and that whole night was pretty much perfect, apart from when he called me perfect, and I got mad at that. It's crazy thinking how much has changed since then, when it was less than a year and a half ago. I was so, so innocent. A lot has changed and I don't know that I like it.

I am aware this post is essentially pointless.

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Letters to People II

Dear S,

Every Thursday after school is Concert Band rehearsal. As long as it would drag on before, interminably, it would seem, that seems like heaven compared to how I find it now. Do you find it awkward at all?

I can't help it, I know that you're there, just one row of people, seats, music stands and trumpets away. You're in my direct line of vision should I turn my head in the slightest. I see you without even meaning to.

Even when you aren't there, I remember how we would look across at each other during pauses in playing and make faces at each other, and try to tell one another the time through hand signals. I cannot help but be highly tense for hour and a half or so that the session runs.

Do you notice how, far too often, I laugh too loudly or just, too much, at an amusing remark by one of my 2nd flute companions? Do you see how sometimes my smile remains stretched across my face unnaturally because I have frozen with a memory or even just the knowledge of your presence and cannot for the life of me recall how to return to normality? Or the times when my smile is as fake as could be? Then there are all the moments whilst playiog when the pain of it strikes me and I wince, and I struggle to find my place in the music again as much for a distraction as to keep up. There are all the things I notice, and sometimes when I turn my head I see you looking at me for a split second. Those instants, when our eyes meet make me feel, I don't know what. It's a dead look, one of when you make eye contact with a stranger, awkward and meaningless, and that kills me. Because when I hear you laughing at something I still smile when I'm not paying attention, because your laugh always made me smile, because I loved your sense of humour and I loved you being happy. And then I remember, and it's like I've been hit with a house, Dorothy style.

The Wizard of Oz always reminds me of you. You always used to talk about it how the dwarf who played the munchkins hung himself on set and you could see it in that particular scene if you looked closely, and the first time I saw the movie, in Grade 9 Music, you pointed it out to me.

So many things remind me of you. We made so many plans, you, me and B, and now they will never happen, and even though a lot probably wouldn't have anyway, now they never will, for certain.

I miss the friendship we had so much. I miss you so much. You are gorgeous and amazing and your boyfriend is pretty much the luckiest guy in the world to have your love.

I think I'm losing the side of me that you guys brought out, and I really liked that part of me. You guys gave me the best advice and comfort and were the best friends I could ever ask for.

There's so much I could say, so much more I want to say, and even more that I could never put into words. How could I ever summarise those three and a half years? It seems so much longer, but then who was counting, because we thought it would last forever. It's thoughts like that that make me cringe.. I was so stupid.

And it sucks because this letter isn't really to you. If it was it would be written so differently. And if everything was right it would be bursting with how much I love you, like all those MySpace bulletins. You remember.

I love you so much. I always will.

Losing you was/is heart-breaking. I know I handled what happened in the worst way ever. I wish I had tried harder to fix things when it was still possible.
[Sacha. I need to say your name sometimes, if only to keep the memories of our friendship real, just like Jake's, just like Bec's...]
I love you. I miss you.

xoxox

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Secrets.

Sometimes I want to scream, "It's a lie! Please see that it's a lie! I'm tired of this pretence, it was real the first time. Can't you see? That's me, that is me and I just want you to know, I just want comfort for it, just once. I want you to know!" And sometimes I just want to scream it where you will hear me. That's why I occasionally tell you in a cryptic way, then fear drives me to cloak it in lies that aren't quite, and on rare occasions, out and out mistruths. That fear is not for myself.

It's my secret and I can never tell you, even at the times when it rears its ugly head, when it gets to me and shakes me to the core, leaves me mulling over these matters. How do I speak of such a thing? The exbestfriend knows. And David. But then it was a "one - off" (and at the time I honestly believed it was, at least to such extremes), and all that happened was my fearing that I had done a worse thing in mentioning it, exposing the secret and perhaps procuring dreadful consequences.

It is not to be spoken of, for although you'd care adequately, more so; you wouldn't understand with the right perspective, and it would taint certain things irrevocably. I don't want that, can't have that. I will not allow that certain outcome to occur, and so I must keep this to myself, even in the midst of the whorl of emotions, the intensity that I wish to deny. I cling instead to obliviousness, since that is all I have. When really, a simple hug from the right person would suffice.

Because it's not as bad as it seems at the time. How can one explain to those who have no idea? And yet, I long for you to understand, to understand my position and give me the comfort required, but not develop righteous ideas and only make things worse.

Life has never been easy, I suppose.

P.S. Sorry for being so vague and confusing, but I really needed to get this out because it has been killing me, but I cannot explain what I am speaking about and for that I apologise profusely. I'll be back with more reader-appropriate posts soon.

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