I'm scared that this feeling will be permanent.
I don't just miss you. I miss what we had. I'm scared that will never come back. I'm scared that maybe I'll always want it, even need it.
I don't fully function without you. My life has sorta shut down since the three of you left it.
I cannot put it into words. You have no idea. Hopefully you never will. Hopefully you do. It hurts to breathe without you. It hurts to live without you. It doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem like living. And when it does, that's painful too. Because my heart rebels against the idea that it could even be like this.
This half... thing we have right now is killing me.
And more than anything I'm scared, that I'll stop missing you. That I'll stop missing our friendship. I'm scared I'll move on. I want to keep this dependence.
p.s. Thought from Tatum Reid at Finding-me - "Trust: something that takes forever to build, and takes but an action... a word....a look... a second...to utterly destroy."
Saturday, December 27, 2008
I'm scared that I'll still miss you even when you're right here.
Friday, December 26, 2008
MSN conversation
/fairly meaningless small talk
Toivoa:
i don't, really know if i even want to talk to you anymore. i really really do. but it's kindah worse than not talking to you at all
Toivoa:
/shrugs
Ex Best Friend:
how is it worse?
Toivoa:
because our conversation is shit and awkward dies within like 5 seconds, and it makes me miss you more talking to you a little rather than when i was like okay so i guess we're not going to be friends again, which i had jusssst started to kinda accept like the day before you started talking to me again
Toivoa:
and i don't even know if you want to be friends again or if you just randomly start conversations with me because you're bored or whatever
Toivoa:
something like that.
EBF:
alright, do what suits you
EBF:
I wouldn't mind having you back as a friend, but that's cool if you feel that way
Toivoa:
well, i "wouldn't mind" either,
I'm so tense /stressed right now.
not going to sleep well tonight. and i'm getting up at 5.30
Thursday, December 25, 2008
There's only one thing I really want for Christmas
I'm not going to get it.
Things like that don't come wrapped up. Maybe it won't ever come at all. But I'll still wish for it, each and every time I catch the clock at 11.11. First just a thought, scared it will move to 11.12 before I'm done. Then in word form. And sometimes out loud, under my breath, just to make sure.
"Christmas time is buzzing in my skull"
Will it let me be?
I cannot tell."
So I love the Nightmare Before Christmas. And before I had the chance to blog about this much celebrated holiday, Christmas is upon us.
"There are so many things I cannot grasp
When I think I've got, and then at last
Through my bony fingers it does slip
Like a snowflake in a fiery grip"
As I have mentioned before, I am a member of a Christian family. Even practically all of my extended family are Catholics. When I say practically all, I mean there is literally one and he's married into the family, who is a non practicing Hindu. This, then, is the reason so many are surprised that we barely celebrate Christmas.
My parents will give my sister and I gifts, yes, but barely. It is more often than not in the form of money, which doesn't make for the most interesting of presents, although I can always do some more. What other presents we received were almost invariably actually given to us post-Christmas, thanks to the mid-financial year sales. Smart, yes. The only reason we actually do get presents is so "we don't feel left out". At least, this is what my parents used to tell others.
We also go look at Christmas lights, but that's about it.
The reason we don't celebrate Christmas is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. When missionaries first came to some large country, or possibly Europe; yeah I'm not too sure; anyhow the native people had lots of celebrations for their gods; the missionaries, not wanting converts to feel left out and become dissatisfied with Christianity, decided to designate this day as Christmas, "the birth of Jesus". And no one really knows which date Jesus actually was born on. So according to my parents, it's stupid to celebrate because of its origins. By my reasoning, it doesn't matter what the origins are, what matters is what it means to you as you celebrate it. For all the non Christians who celebrate Christmas, its a good time to spend with family and give each other gifts, and be joyful and all that jazz. In the same way, it can be to truly celebrate Christ's birth if we so wish.
One thing about me, I love traditions. I love the idea of heirlooms and I have tried to construct family trees, I love old things that continue on. I love the idea of Christmas, the festive spirit, although we all know it has been completely commercialised, but as I said before, I believe that its what you make it. Not even necessarily the idea of Santa; I never believed in Santa Claus either by the way. Not sure I'd want to, you'd be so disappointed when you find out he isn't real lol. And I'm not too keen in believing in something that isn't real. But Christmas in general seems like such a fun idea.
When I have my own family, we will celebrate Christmas. I determined this a long time ago. We will put up a tree and decorate it, and lights around the front of the house. Our family has put up a Christmas tree once during my life.
Another thing. My parents actually used to celebrate Christmas, when they were Catholics. When they became Christians, it was to become part of what some would call a "legalistic" church, that is, they wanted to abide by every possible law in the Bible, so it was very strict; they believed that women shouldn't really wear pants due to a Biblical passage stating that women shouldn't wear men's clothing; although my mum, my sister and I still did, but not to church. So that is where this idea came from. We have changed churches now, although there was actually much to admire about the beliefs of this former church of ours, but there is time for that in another post.
So anyhow, I hate that we don't really celebrate Christmas. I think my parents have finally begun to grasp that, although my mum worked this Christmas morning and the last one too; my mum encouraged my dad to take us out to The Pancake Kitchen for breakfast this morning, and we're having turkey for dinner, even though my mum thinks it is bland and disgusting ;P
Indians and all their spices >.<
I wouldn't mind celebrating Christmas the Indian way actually. It's amazing. Most people live in lanes or apartments in very small estates or apartments in Pune, where my family is from. Around Christmas, they hang huuuuge Christmas stars and other decorations right across the lanes and in the estates. There are Nativity scenes just as big placed around. Motorbikes and / or scooters are the preferred method of travel rather than cars in the city. So these things are so large they are practically fully blocking the streets and bikes can only just get through. They have Christmas shows in these lanes and almost everyone who lives in the lane or the estate, whichever, will participate. And there are fireworks, of course. There are so many people, everywhere. People sell fancy balloons by the road side, which admittedly happens most days of the year anyway. Beforehand, for weeks, people make handmade Indian sweets of all shapes and colours. /shrugs
It's good.
My surprise which I mentioned briefly the other day is that I finally got my Learner's. If you're not Australian, or South Australian, that's for driving, which you have to pass a theory test for. You have to do 50 hours of driving and hold it for a minimum of 6 months. During this time you can only drive with someone with their full license next to you in the passenger seat. You need to have a certain amount of lessons with a driving instructor also. After this, you can get your P1's. This is your provisional license, where you display P plates on your car, but can drive without a fully licensed person. After this, you can get your P2's, where you can take your P plates off, and after I don't know how long of this, you can eventually get your full license.
I failed the test the first time I went for it on my 16th in June, I got really confused on the give ways lol. So it took me this long to go back for the test, since I was so scared I'd fail it again. (You have to get all the give way questions correct, which is the first part of the test. The next is a bunch of multiple choice questions which you need to get 32 out of 40-something correct) But I only got one question wrong on the multiple choice this time C: I'm happy. I've already been driving a bit, I drove on the roads straightaway lol. I have driven before, but not on roads that are used by anyone else and not since last year. But it's fun (:
And I don't think my parents are so opposed to celebrating Christmas anymore, Mum is thinking of buying ornaments after Christmas for next year, and saying we could put our tree up next year, we still have our old one in the garage somewhere. I just find it sad that I missed Christmas properly, all these years. I would have loved to experience the excitement of waking up on Christmas morning, opening gifts that we had all given each other, spending the day together, having fun and doing family things. Although, we did a lot of family stuff when we were little. But the anticipation in a present being a surprise; it's been a long time since I've felt that. For years I've always known exactly what I was getting for my birthday or Christmas, have even been there when its been bought. In a way, it's good, it ensures that I will like it; but it doesn't have quite the same feeling...
That said, I think too much emphasis is placed on gifts with Christmas these days. Like I mentioned before, Christmas has been commercialised. Retailers place importance on how you need to get presents for other people, need to buy all this new stuff. The stress of this can make Christmas completely worthless. If you feel like you need to get someone else a present because they are getting you one, that is missing the point. You should be giving gifts in love, because you care about the person, and want to express it.
Mmm anyway, I'm done for now, may come back and add to this later, but as you can see, my thoughts are scattered and not well put into words. I need some more sleep. Ah well.
sorry guys
My writing is abysmal right now.
Okay, maybe not quite "abysmal", but it wouldn't make for good reading, and I am definitely not satisfied with it. I'm not a perfectionist, I know on a completely realistic level that I can do better. Thus my Christmas post shall appear later on today.
kthnxbai
Sorry >=(
Have a great Christmas guys (:
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Blah post
This is just another apology, I haven't been posting much lately, and not really replying to comments, I promise I will get to it as soon as I can, I'm really not right to do so now.
Or the last few times I've been on.
There are several things I wish to post about + others already in the works.
Look forward to the flood after the drought. The leaving the calm in the eye of the storm.
Or whatever.
P.S. I'm going to bed, it's 1.18AM, and I may have a surprise for you tomorrow. I mean, later today. Wish me luck! ;P Explanations shall follow if successful
Haha oh I'm soo cloak and dagger ^_^ Not.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
eeeeeeeeeeee sdhgljklkjfd :| :|
okay so i'm like in this really pent up stressed out freaked out state right now, i'm panicking and tense and feel really sick and need some relief
so what do i do
i don't self harm anymore and hopefully never again
but i need something
so i go onto my old livejournal account where i am a member of one of the self harm communities blah blah
usually lots of people post on their with pictures, so i went looking, but tonight there's barely anything, only found one post with pics thus far
looking at it, and it's gross and disgusting and...
gratifying
even if i can't do it myself =/
it's so repulsive and yet i am so like, eugh idk
dfjkldjglf
I kind of really just want
to get drunk
wow the girl's got great coping solutions
ehh, a friend and i went drinking in town on friday, but not much.
but yeah, sometime before i get credit is definitely advisable.
and fun drunk, not crying, making verrry bad phone calls drunk...
okay shut up.
Once upon a time...
You used to love me. I wonder, do you remember that? At all?
Okay, so I've kept the topic away from this for a while now. But it's hitting me, again, so forgive me for my blogging about it, again.
I hate how you've gone. And I hate how I had just barely accepted we weren't going to be friends anymore and then you start talking to me again. I want all or nothing. This is like David all over again. But so much worse. Because we weren't best friends and it never hurt like this. We were close, yes. I thought about him a lot, yes. But it was not the same.
This just brings the pain back so much worse.
It feels like someone threw a brick at my stomach, like I was punched in the guts. Not the pain of being stabbed, the clean, sharp pain focused on one point; but a blunt pain that hits everywhere.
I am still left gasping for breath at unexpected moments. I still get the dreams. I still feel faint with the pain of how much I miss you, and I still hate how much I want you back. I want our friendship back, just as it was. And I'm scared that's not possible. I thought I had quenched that want to a sustainable level, I'd accepted it wasn't going to happen.
But those few words we exchanged are making me hope again; for a day it was pure, heady hope burning through my veins, I knew it was reckless, dangerous, but I couldn't stop it and I didn't want to.
And I'm dying all over again.
I miss you, so much.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
bahahahaha "Twilight" the movie
Oh God it's too funny lol
I've seen the movie and hated it, the books ehhh
All credit goes to the site where it was featured - Cracked.com, Elizabeth from Letters of Love who posted the link to this on Facebook, and of course the site it's originally from - The Editing Room...
ahahaha too funny. And so true.
This isn't the original review about it that I wanted to post, but I'm dying of laughter here XD
Even if you like / love the books and/or movie, read this. ;P
[edit:] okay i check out The Editing Room some more, link ^^^, it's actually hilarious, they do the same thing for other movies, highly entertaining ;P
Pillow Update
"New" pillow, new to me but already a member of our household, is great! (:
Smiles all around (:
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
My Hunt for the Elusive Perfect Pillow
So my new "ergonomically designed pillow for side and back sleepers" from Ikea that "people just keep coming back for" [although why they would come back for more if they already have one is slightly beyond me, I suppose for the other family members but still...] has not won my obviously necessary approval... ^_^ I specifically told the saleswoman I wanted a pillow that was firm; but not hard, and definitely not too soft. Admittedly, this pillow was in between those by the standards of their other pillows. But I was suspicious from the moment I saw such a wide variety of pillows; no one needs that many pillow options unless have they have severe neck or back problems...
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
This is so sad and so worth thinking about
I read this on someone's blog who got it off another site...
I just think it is worth sharing
Hello world, this is me
For those of you who have recently started following my blog or would just like to know more about me, this is a little info on who I am and an indication of some of the matters I have and will continue to blog about. (:
One more thing before I begin, thank you very much for following and leaving comments, it's a great encouragement (:
Monday, December 15, 2008
Can't wipe that smile off my face
I know so much is still uncertain, we may never regain the level of friendship we had, but for now I'm willing to lay all of that aside and simply rejoice in the amazement of this, this is a better Christmas present than any I could have asked for...
My Christmas miracle (:
LOL
Emma has made me see the brightest side to this, while we are still awkward and our conversation thus far has been limited mainly to discussing music and the game he was playing, and a couple of other things, as well as old memories but nothing too important... I have talked to the ex best friend for the second time in months and I could be floating right now.
Quick P.S.
For those of you only just recently having begun to read my blog, I'll detail what's happening later, right now I'm too much on edge to make sense
But [the ex best friend] is my best friend, was I suppose.
We haven't talked for, over three months now because, I don't even know why. Missed him so much.
And ahhhhhhhhhhh
kay i'm going to go try my new pillow
Dazed
is a pretty good word for how I'm feeling.
Admittedly it's 4.35AM and I got 4 hours sleep last night, or thereabouts. No, pretty much exactly 4 hours, I just wanted to say "or thereabouts" ;P
But besides the lack of sleep, ohmygod.
I'm all jittery and aghhh
Insane.
I never ever saw this coming
I would have expected pigs to fly before this ever occurred.
It's so WEIRD.
SO weird.
afjldksfjlk
Like I just sent to Kate, I'd have believed the possibility of my being pregnant over the possibility of this happening, and I'm a virgin
That's how much I never would have believed this would happen
I'm speechless, trying to explain how I feel when I don't even know, which is why all you're getting is ramble...
ahhhhhhhh
SO WEIRD
Still shocked
Almost elated but not quite.. what if he's just doing it as a one off for some random reason
I hate how awkward everything is
I'm so scared
This was the last thing ever that I had expected.
I was resigned to us not being friends.
Not daring to hope.
This is so fucked.
But, ohmygod.
I could cry, I'm so.. not happy. But, overcome because I expected us to never ever talk again.
I'm full of such mixed emotions, I don't even know how I feel.
It's so weird
Oh my god....
This is all kinda surreal lol.
I am in shock
I swear to God I almost had a heart attack lol
The ex best friend just started talking to me on MSN.
EBF says:
am I the only one who's completely fed up with this "not talking" business that we have going on here
Toivoa says:
um what?
EBF says:
in short: let's put the bullshit behind us
Toivoa says:
i would love to, i just didn't think you wanted to.
EBF says:
well, now you know that I think it's a good idea
Toivoa says:
okayy
Toivoa says:
/starts conversation
Toivoa says:
hi ebf, how are you?
EBF says:
hah
EBF says:
I'm pretty damned good
EBF says:
how are you?
My heart is beating faster than Bella around Edward Cullen when he dazzles her... rofl
Sunday, December 14, 2008
"People Should Smile More"
So says (rather, sings) Newton Faulkner... [Kathleen's music is infiltrating my life]
However, while I definitely agree, I really think people should also blog more.
And, while I have been meaning to make my posts shorter, as they ought to be, after a cursory glance at my most recent (prior to this) post has shown me all too clearly that I still need to work on that.
Alas, there are so many words to play with, it's like an amazing game, seeing which fit together in the best way to make a delightful piece... I tend to repeat myself with different wordings simply because there are so many good options that I cannot bear to use just one...
Dare You to Move // Question
"Between who you are and who you could be,
Between how it is and how it should be;
I dare you to move,
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor,
I dare you to move
Like today never happened.
Maybe redemption has stories to tell,
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell,
Where can you run to escape from yourself,
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here...."
i love this song, because I think the lyrics are very important.
The lyrics to the entire song are worth thinking about, but I have picked out the end of a verse, the chorus, and the closing lines of the song to display here. It's my "motivation" song, to keep going, to remind me that I can't escape problems by trying to run away, to hide; when I am trying to run from who I am. It can't be done, and I don't have to go anywhere else to fix that which is broken, the answer, "salvation" is already right in front of me. I have to stand and face what's wrong rather than hiding from it...
God knows I need this reminder more often than not.
This song, essentially, is about courage, having the courage to live life, the way it should be, regardless of the pain we may face, because pain is an inescapable part of life, but we shouldn't let it stop us or drag us down.
And that in the pain, getting through it and moving on, we can learn from it.
Part of the challenge of this song is to get up and make the changes that need to be made. There's a song by John Mayer with the lines "We keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change." This song has always slightly annoyed me in that, waiting does nothing. And change does not come about through doing nothing. There's no good in "waiting on the world to change", we must actively do our part to change it. Every person has the power to change the world. To take that first step; who knows how that will inspire others to also do the same? We may never even see the extent of the impact we have, but we definitely can't wait around for other people to start something. We have to "be the change we want to see in the world" or however the saying goes.
I could go on with quotes from random things, eg.
- "A single grain of rice can tip the scale. One man can make the difference between victory and defeat." - The Emperor, Mulan
and
- "A single raindrop raises the sea." - Dinotopia
;D
These lyrics also speak about hope, and if you've read many of my posts, you should know that hope is something vital to me, vital to everyone, I believe.
It is what keeps us going.
Because there always is a reason to keep going. And this song is my challenge to have faith in that reason, even when I can't quite see it or feel it; to know that there is a reason and keep living life. To quote To Write Love On Her Arms or specifically, Renee Yohe, yet again "The stars are always there, but we miss them in the dirt and the clouds. We miss them in the storms."
The stars are still there behind the darkness, and so is the reason to live, so is hope. Sometimes it takes a little blind faith.
Life wasn't mean to be easy, it is something that takes courage, but we aren't alone in this. I've said this before we are a sociable creature; we were made to live with each other, to interact and depend on one another.
----
QUESTION: What are the twelve days of Christmas? I mean, why??? It's Christmas Day... So what is the meaning of the whole twelve days of Christmas song, and what is the significance of 12, specifically? I'll do some research [or e-search ;P] on the internet, but what are your thoughts / knowledge on the matter? (:
----
I'd just like to direct you to the blog of Comic Book Superzero for a post I found extremely funny ;P
xx
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Never Judge a Book By its Cover
Okay, while there is some merit in the old phrase, we do tend to pick up books with covers that catch our eye.
But when it comes to this blog, definitely don't make the mistake of judging it by its title...
"Diary of an Old Fart" is the blog of a 64 year old (i think?) man and is a brief account of events in his day to day life...
While the title isn't the most flattering, he writes in a quirky, thoroughly entertaining and at times, thought provoking way; never going on too long, as I am continuously guilty of.
There is a lot of reflection and it's an insightful look into his life, I enjoy reading it, and part of the attraction is that it takes so little time, I can read it quickly and still get a lot out of those few paragraphs.
It's touching.
I love it, you have got to read it for yourself! (:
Click here.
Quick bitch about Blogger (the site) ++ amazing lyrics (:
Okay, so I have approximately two major complaints with Blogger.
Numeros Unos
or whatever, aka, #1. That one cannot merely comment others' profiles or message them, as on most social networking sites. So maybe I'm far too used to MySpace, but since even Last.fm and many other music / miscellaneous sites also have this feature available, why can't Blogger? It would be sooo handy. Or a status update, like Twitter. Either or both would be lovely
#2, which happens to be relevant to me at this point in time since I am mucking around with my blog layout. If I choose to show my labels, or tags, on my blog, the only options I have are to show them alphabetically or in order of frequency. What I want is the option of not showing tags unless they are used more than once, since the length of tags trailing alongside my posts is not something I find in the least bit becoming. I mean, it's not like my archive listings take up enough sprawling room...
Of course I could merely remove labels from my blog page, however, I want them there. Just not all of them!
Frustrating...
Anyhow.
These lyrics are so hopeful and sweet and uplifting, heartwarming, yeah you get the drift...
While I haven't heard the song, I love the lyrics, and may get around to listening to it sometime, but even if I dislike the music, I will still take away the meaning in the words, which is the most important thing!
So anyway here they are (:
"Show the Way" by David Wilcox
You say you see no hope, you say you see no reason we should dream
That the world would ever change
You're saying love is foolish to believe
'Cause there'll always be some crazy with an army or a knife
To wake you from your day dream, put the fear back in your life...
Look, if someone wrote a play just to glorify
What's stronger than hate, would they not arrange the stage
To look as if the hero came too late he's almost in defeat
It's looking like the Evil side will win, so on the Edge
Of every seat, from the moment that the whole thing begins
It is...
Love who makes the mortar
And it's love who stacked these stones
And it's love who made the stage here
Although it looks like we're alone
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it's love that wrote the play...
For in this darkness love can show the way
So now the stage is set. Feel you own heart beating
In your chest. This life's not over yet.
so we get up on our feet and do our best.
We play against the fear. We play against the reasons not to try.
We're playing for the tears burning in the happy angel's eyes
For it's...
Love who makes the mortar
And it's love who stacked these stones
And it's love who made the stage here
Although it looks like we're alone
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it's love that wrote the play...
For in this darkness, love can show the way
Found and stole this from
um, Splotchy coz I think it's great! Kudos to Splotchy! ;P
Instructions
"Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out.
If you are one of the carriers of this story virus (i.e. you have been tagged and choose to contribute to it), you will have one responsibility, in addition to contributing your own piece of the story: you will have to tag at least one person that continues your story thread. So, say you tag five people. If four people decide to not participate, it's okay, as long as the fifth one does. And if all five participate, well that's five interesting threads the story spins off into.
Not a requirement, but something your readers would appreciate: to help people trace your own particular thread of the narrative, it will be helpful if you include links to the chapters preceding yours.
There always has to be a start of a story, so here it is.
***
The bus was more crowded than usual. It was bitterly cold outside, and I hadn't prepared for it. I noticed that a fair number of the riders were dressed curiously. As I glanced around, I stretched my feet and kicked up against a large, heavy cardboard box laying under the seat in front of me."
***
Upon glancing around to apologise to its owner, I realised with a start that it belonged to no one. My imagination needed no prompting from the poster on the bus itself to tell me that unaccompanied parcels could be dangerous. I had just watching "The Interpreter" the other day, and my thoughts flashed back to the scene in which a passenger leaves a lunch bag containing a bomb on the bus, exploding shortly after he gets off it.
Of course, it could easily just be an innocent mistake by a commuter, a forgotten purchase of some sort...
As my logical side fought with the creative, quite possibly unstable part of my brain, I thought of various objects the box might contain, already knowing that logic was in for a beating once more.
*******
Please continue this story virus.
I tag: xCarCrashHearts aka Shazz
Kate
Aimee Jade
Ben
This is actually really awesome
Yes, it's long. But it's such a great idea, I love it! Plus you get a free song when you subscribe to their mailing list... (L) Mae (: && LOVING FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS RIGHT NOW (: Album - Underdog Alma Mater (Y)
Subscribe to Mae mailing list for free song and updates
"As this new year begins, we are reminded that once again, on some level, our story begins anew. Our story is a collection of decisions that we work through every day. Those days connect and become years. Those years connect and become a life. Those lives connect and become a generation. Those generations connect and become history. We create and change the course of history with every decision. That is the power you hold in every one of your choices. That is the scope of your significance. You are a writer of history. It is not an option, it is a certainty. You may think that your voice is insignificant, but we invite you to come with us for one year, and we will show you over the course of that year exactly how significant your voice truly is.
Every month in 2009 we will be bringing you a new song that is part of a bigger story. These songs are like the hours that make up the day. These songs are like the months that make up the year. These songs are like years that make up a life. They are about the tiny choices we make that lead to large results. Sometimes these results are wonderful; sometimes they are terrible. We learn from both.
Three times during 2009 we will put these songs together and give you an EP. As we search to understand the meaning of our own stories we can shift our perspectives to see things under a different light. We expand our understanding in these moments. This is like finishing one chapter and moving to the next part of the story. These EPs represent the broad chapters of our life. They will be called:
(M)orning
(A)fternoon
(E)vening
(M)orning represents the beginning of the day, the beginning of the year, and the beginning of a life. It is our childhood. It is our fresh start. It is our new hope. It is the empty canvas of our minds and the beginning of our story.
(A)fternoon represents the middle of the day, summer turning into autumn, adulthood, parenthood, and the time in life to take control and write the story we want to leave behind.
(E)vening represents the end of the day, the return of winter, looking back at the end of our life, and preparing for death. This is the one time in our lives where our perspective is clearest and we see the arc of our story as a whole.
Here is the invitation and the promise. When you come to back to whatismae.com you will be able to hear all of the music for free. And we will make every song available as a digital download for a minimum donation of $1. Our promise to you is to commit every dollar earned through these digital downloads towards making the world a better place. We will be asking you to help us choose projects to focus on. The power of community is the strength of numbers. As we tie our voices, our resources, our minds, and most importantly our actions together, we will see the world change for the better over the course of this year.
Progress requires focus. In each of these chapters we will focus on certain issues and ask you to help us choose the best way to make a difference. We want to approach this in a way that aligns with the greater narrative. Here is how we will break it down:
(M)orning: [January - April] This is the season to focus on youth and help instill appreciation for music and the arts. Music is the world's language. It has the ability to bridge nations and to connect people. We have been changed by the power of music. That is a gift we want to share. Art goes hand in hand with music as a powerful voice of expression. Art shows us the world from the people's point of view. Art is the vessel of the human experience and it is a powerful weapon in the hands of truth. This is also the time to focus on education. Learning is what opens the doors to a better future. What aspects of the education system need our help? How do we educate ourselves to face the world's problems as they become ours to solve? These are the issues of Morning:
(M)usic
(A)rt
(E)ducation
(A)fternoon: [May - August] This is the season to consider the challenges we face as adults. The world is shrinking. We are connected through technology, economy, and destiny. No matter how diverse we are, we share a common humanity. Our unique cultural legacies should be respected and celebrated. Our wealth and prosperity inevitably rises and falls together. Who among us can truly celebrate our own prosperity when our neighbor starves to death? When we experience the world's poverty, it changes our priorities. Yet this economic progress must come with respect for the fragile and dynamic nature of our planet. We are building a future for our children and their great great grandchildren. What will their world look like? The choice is ours and we must consider this big picture with great respect for those who will come after us. These are the issues of Afternoon:
(M)ulti-Culturalism
(A)nti-Poverty
(E)nvironment
(E)vening: [September - December] This is the season to step back and see the bigger picture. We work and then we check our progress. This is how progress is made. When we make mistakes, we correct our mistake and resume the journey. We all make mistakes. What sets us apart is how we react to them and move beyond them. One day the students will become the teachers. One day the children will become the parents. Think about how we will inspire those who come after us to continue on the path to hope for everyone. What is the story we want to leave behind? Are we writing it with our actions? What do we want to world to be like? How do we get there? These are the issues of Evening.
(M)otivate
(A)ffect
(E)ngage
There will be countless opportunities for you to be involved during this process. We will be asking you to take photos throughout the year that tell us your story. We will use those photos in our art and in our live performances. We encourage you to share this music with everyone. Tell them what is going on. Invite them to be a part of this. We are your band and your community. This is a chance for you to take your love of music and make a difference in the world. You are the vital piece that completes this puzzle and we can not do it without you.
Our hope is that this music will inspire you to step back and look at the bigger picture we are all a part of. None of us are truly alone. Many times it feels like we are completely alone. In those moments, we hope that you find comfort in these sounds. We hope you remember that these words and melodies have been sung by many thousands of others, and their voices are tied to yours. We hope that your voice will sing along and find its place here in this community as we work together, as humble people, to make a difference in a world that needs our help.
To download "Somewhere," simply go here and use the password: thankyou. You can also read Dave's explanation about the origin of the song here.
Thank you,
Mae"
My Apologies Were Never Quite Enough
I just wanted to apologise for the banality of my posts lately, nothing very interesting at all, or if so, merely copy pasted, while acknowledging that.
I haven't written in a while, though my tremendously long posts leave something to be desired anyway; perhaps brevity? ^_^
I do tend to go off on tangents far too much. And I'm not too sure that all that many people enjoy my detailed insight on the mind of a reformed and hopefully staying reformed self harmer who still thinks about it a lot...
But, topics I am intending to write about soon:
- Why I hate Christmas
- Why I faintly want to be a part of the scene
- My thoughts on the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer
-The food thing these days
And so on and so forth.
I'll try to keep my three ex (?) best friends out of the picture, I think it's enough of the missing them in text for everyone to read, it must get old. Needless to say, it hasn't gotten old to me, I still miss them.
That's all for now, it's 12.53AM.
I'll be fixing up my iTunes for a couple of hours now (:
xx
Friday, December 12, 2008
Hair Extensions
Don't worry I'm not considering the whole scene look again
Well, it's in the back of my mind, but my parents would never let me and I don't think I'd want to chance it in case it looked bad
Pssh anyway, black hair extensions, just for my hair to be longer?
Kinda want my hair drastically different, either much longer or shorter and layered heaps. or you know both, the second and then add in extensions whenever ^_^
So what do you think? Back to long hair for me, or not?
x
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Being a house pixie
is draining. Of life.
It's working.
However it's hard to remember that I should be doing all the housework without being asked, uncomplainingly... I'm really much too lazy to be a true house pixie..
I'm still dying.
Edit: however, we do have juice! Which means i have no excuse not to put phase 3 into action...
/That sad slash wistful smile I do... Lol you may not think of it as that, but the way I smile when I feel like that, that's how I'm smiling now ^_^
Oh I'm so wonderfully bent on self destruction for purely experimental purposes... Great. ;p
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
AWWW this is cute! (:
found it on someone else's blog
There IS a "Secret Santa." Perhaps you've heard of him. I got an email from him last year after I shared the following story.
This real guy walked into the local thrift store and stepped in front of a fella who tried his best to move out of the way. "I'm Secret Santa and I want you to have this," the stranger said as he handed his victim 2 hundred-dollar bills. "Merry Christmas!"
This anonymous Santa is a businessman from Kansas City. His plan is to cross the country, going into dozens of thrift stores, laundromats and bus stations, and walk up to hundreds of strangers who seem like they could use a Franklin or two and light up their lives.
By Christmas this stranger will have given out $75,000. "Is this for real?" the victim asked. "It's for real, buddy," Santa said. "And I can keep it?" "It's yours and you can keep it." "God bless you. I was down to my last 20 cents."
The current Secret Santa made a promise to Mr. Stewart, the original Secret Santa, that he would keep the Santa thing alive. Mr. Stewart had invested the last 25 years of his life giving away more than a million dollars -- one Franklin at a time.
I think there really is a secret Santa in each of us -- it's just a matter of letting him out. God put the spirit of giving in us long before anyone heard of Santa.
Inspiration
Larry had been out of work for months, and in early October his home went into foreclosure. He withdrew $300 from an ATM to use as a deposit on a rent house and put the ATM receipt in his shirt pocket.
With everything happening around him, he forgot the withdrawal. A couple weeks later the bank sent a letter reporting over $1000 in bounced checks along with the NSF fees charged by the bank.
Embarrassed by it all, Larry and his wife kept it to themselves. Both took on part-time jobs. And with Christmas just around the corner, they decided this year would be something small for the girls and nothing for each other. They felt alone and powerless.
It was their secret.
Then in mid December Larry found a $400 check in his church mailbox with a note, "From Your Friends. Merry Christmas."
"To this day, we don't know ..."
A couple weeks later, on Christmas Eve, the family was watching TV when the doorbell rang. Outside on the porch they found sacks of groceries, a complete Christmas dinner, dresses for the girls, and a shirt and tie for Larry. "To this day," Larry says, "we don't know who made 3 dresses, and gave us so much at Christmas. It was a defining moment when God reminded us that HE provides."
Motivation
You don't have to have a million dollars to be a blessing to others. But it would be a great secret calling. There are people all around us who need a bite to eat, a cup of coffee, a smile, a conversation, a kind word, a blessing, a prayer, a gentle lift. Do you see them? You've still got time.
You have something very valuable inside you ... a treasure ... the calling to make a difference in someone this week. God has put it on you ... to give to someone in secret.
Don't waste your time wishing for Santa to come to your house, make a secret trip to a house that needs what you have. Ask God to put you in the path of just the right person this week, the one who needs a visit from secret Santa and then discover the joy of the secret.
Don't just wish it, do it.
---------
(c) 2008 FaithFitness and Ron Rose
http://www.heartlight.org/
Monday, December 8, 2008
I have nothing to say
Actually, I have much to blog about. I have several posts in the conception or even fully developed stage in my head... But now is not the time. It is too sunny and I am bored and I have read so much in the past two weeks I could explode. I missed reading all the time. But it's such a distraction and so good for isolation... >.<
P.S. I don't think any of you quite understand the concept of a house pixie.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
house pixie house pixie house pixie
ima be a house pixie...
sigh.
day 1 is almost over
all i need is juice.
never decide to experiment with psychological effects on yourself.
i'm grounded.
One of my best friends has gone to New Zealand today
and her twin brother...
sigh.
I'll miss her.
We haven't been this close in a long time
She's going to have the most amazing time (:
And perhaps Michelle and I will finally get the chance to catch up, even though without her
My most significant friendships tend to be in threes...
New word to describe me is: docile. I am the house pixie C:
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Dear God,
Please don't let Wentworth Miller be gay
My sister told me he was /cries
;P
because seriously, ohmygod...
rofl
no but take a look at what i mean, if you don't already agree... lol
oh noes it cut off his face!
lol not to worry
(L) Prisonbreak and Dinotopia haha
ZOMG lol
;P
it's GIBBS!!!!!!!!! FROM NCIS
BUT SO SO MUCH YOUNGER
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
/dies
Hope is not a myth
Whatever you find it in...
Please don't just stop reading.
"I would like to share with you some of my story. I grew up in a dysfunctional environment. Actually, calling it dysfunctional is putting it mildly. My parents divorced when I was five years old and soon after, my mother remarried. That man, who became my step father, also became my perpetrator. At the age of eleven he decided I was old enough to receive an education in sex and became my abuser. I was one of the lucky ones, the ones who were believed when they finally told. When I did tell my mother, she immediately left my step father. I spent the next few years drowning myself in drugs and boys as my mother walked around having a nervous breakdown. I tried very hard to bury the abuse but it just seemed to ooze out in other ways. I was hurt, abandoned and broken.
At the age of 16 I began to date someone seriously. I was crazy about him. I had always known that his parents were "religious" but didn't really know much else about them. I had only met them once or twice in the two years we dated. I didn't know this then, but he had grown up in a Christian home. Right before we broke up he decided to share something with me. He told me that if I truly believed that Christ died on the cross for me that I could go to heaven. That's it, that's all he told me. But it gave me hope, a hope I had never been given before. I remember that night, talking to God and saying "I do believe, I do believe that Jesus died on the cross for me, please help me"
Something changed in me that night. It really was like I was blind and I could finally see. I remember walking outside the next morning and the sky was so blue and beautiful. It looked totally different, like I was really seeing it for the first time. I began to hunger to know who God was. I found a bible in my sister’s bookshelf and began to read it. I was drinking in every word and the words came alive on the page. It was my only connection to God. I knew no one that was a Christian.
Several months later my roommate came home from work talking about her boss at the gas station she worked at. He was telling her all about Christ and she began to share with me. I knew I had to talk to him. He was the most dynamic man and he LOVED God. He led me to a church and eventually I even became a part of his family. His mother gave me a place to live, his sister became my best friend and he became one of the ministers at my church. I had a loving Christian family for the first time in my life.
I would like to say that this was the end and I happily served God the rest of my life but I didn't. After about two years, God began to ask things of me that I wasn't willing to do. Mainly he wanted me to trust him and obey. There are many reasons that I won't go into but I couldn't allow myself to trust completely and I fell away. I stayed away and lived in sin for eighteen years. It wasn't until life became so unbearable that I finally let Him take over and have my whole life.
In spite of my rebellion, he greeted me with open arms. He began to heal my past and bless my future. I don't deserve the love and acceptance he has given me but I am grateful for it anyway. It has been in my surrender to Him and my trust in Him that I have found what I always needed. I found someone to really love me unconditionally, flaws and all. I found true acceptance. I didn’t have to change to come to Him... I found a hope for the future, one that I could count on to be filled with joy.
In the last six years, He has restored me. I am no longer haunted by the things of my past. He has changed me and made me worthy to be called a child of God. I am becoming who He intended me to be. If you allow Him, He will also do that for you."
go to original blog post here
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The "Twilight" series
So I've been meaning to read these books for months and months, almost this whole year, or possibly before, since a friend first showed them to me at a bookstore in the city and said they were her favourite books ever, and lately, since practically everyone has gone insane with excitement over them and my sister has read the three, i feel very ashamed and behind
so anyway before the movie comes out i want to read the book...
The first one at least that is..
Anyone wanna lend it to me like two days before the movie at least, i mean i could read it in one day but just in case i become otherwise unavoidably occupied etc..
^_^
anyone?
quickly... december 10...
eep
coz i wanna see it with people.
Waiting
I'm usually okay at waiting, I have waited for a bus for over an hour before, in India taken a bus standing for over two hours [sigh] and can wait out stuff fairly well.
But being grounded the last two days, not seeing my friends sunday, and saturday i spent the day with my sister which was great but it's not quite the same, you know? which reminds me i saw these awesome heels ;P
anyhow, i'm supposed to be going out with two friends, but they need to check their blogs and call me lol, since i have no credit and i don't want to ring them and wake them up by mistake
i truly suck at sleeping in
grrrrr
SHAZZ
i've been trying to comment your last post but it won't let me, our internet connection is practically dead atm >=|
anyhow.. there are gardening shows on at this time...?
and do they have those porn ads in between still..
i'd also like to point out the fact that i am, in fact, not sleeping. although i'm not watching any tv at all either...
also, just personally, creeped out by the idea of the Sandman. I think the reason is an Enid Blyton book... one of The Wishing Chair ones? No, no, Faraway Tree, and they end up in a bed and the Sandman chucks sand in their eyes and they fall asleep and the bed turns into different things but then whats her face, umm something wash a lot and whatshisname come up too and she wets the sack and then whatshisface slits the sack at the bottom and takes dry sand and throws it in the Sandman's eyes so he falls asleep and then they all maneuvre the bed out of the hole down the tree somehow, they have something that they use to make the bed fly...? so i guess the whole idea of the sandman slightly disturbed me since he was like some awful man who would have trapped them there once the land moved away from the tree...
:/
lol
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
A little something for Sam
You may find this image somewhat more hopeful, and pretty... You know Renee, the girl that TWLOHA was started for?
Well she made the cuts, she bled, but she came through. And these are her reminders that what got her through is real:
You can still see the scars, but they have healed over. And brighter than those faded images of pain and hurt are love and hope, as words, but symbols of the reality of those things (:
I want a tattoo on my left wrist, not quite like this although I think it's nice, maybe "Hope is not a myth" at an angle on the right side of my wrist, in small letters.. just something that will be an everyday reminder (:
I hope this is rather more pleasant and uplifting than the last image..
owwwwwh
:(
rah my head hurts so much,
it's my fault but ehh
yesterday - hitting head repeatedly,
in several places
thus there is now a major bump to the left side of my head, my forehead feels bruised but not enough to be visible and the back of my head, who even knows
lol rahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh >.<
not cool
positive - tomorrow i can go out!!!!
who shall i go out with and where?????????
(:
Oh. My. God.
/breathes
okay so this is not me. i stress that. and this is probably highly disturbing. but these cuts are so pretty...
Warning: You may find this image highly disturbing.
So what am I incredibly excited about?
dfsnlgkfsjglkd;f
(:
Just need someone to go with... even though Lynley said she would, we like different bands, so..
Especially now JACK'S MANNEQUIN IS COMING (:
Monday, December 1, 2008
You're missing
major meltdown here
And I just hope you're missing me too
uncontrollable sobbing and gasping for breath, hyperventilated type breathing, my mind is a mess
i am a mess
"..i need you to try and save me,
it's okay that we're dying,
but i need to survive tonight, tonight" this
That's it
/dies
haha not quite
i can't be bothered having a shower as yet, ehhh tonight i suppose
i'm listening to the Hairspray soundtrack, could do with watching it with someone right now
ima gonna go find something to knit >.<
lol i like knitting
i'm half considering refusing to eat in protest of being grounded LOL
but nah i eat when i'm bored aha, and we have tiny teddies atm
actually i don't even feel like eating regardless
so eh we'll see
shoot me
i want out
so bored
i'm dying
my eyes are like filled with tears from the too much in front of screen thing
asdhflidjglkdfjiglkdfjgklf
this isn't just boredom
this is me not wanting to be here because i'm back in one of those stages where i get hell emo fairly often and absolutely go psycho over the smallest argument and revert to the actions and thoughts of a three year old chucking a tantrum
ashfkjgfdsklfdglkdfgf
killself
i need people
Posts
