"Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."
I'm doing something stupid. We all know that. But it's not as bad as you think, if you must know my stance on the matter. When I wrote that a certain guy from school didn't matter because I liked Italics boy [read: him, --> thus Italics boy] I was trying to convince myself. Also because Italics boy was reading my blog at that point, and I didn't want to admit just how much I was attracted to the other guy. And I did like him, a little bit. But shhh.
Now, I really like him. Both of them... [Sorry, this is so long]
I hate being a teenager.
And uh, P.S. I hooked up with both of them.
On the same day.
I know I'm kinda with Italics Boy. But what does that even mean? Admittedly, it took extreme tiredness, prompting from a best friend, and a couple shots of Midori for me to hook up with the other one. Who is a much better kisser, by the way.
I am very confused,
Italics Boy has this going for him:
- We have the same family / religious background with the same type of parents in regards to rules, etc.
- He can bear my paranoia really well, so far.
- He's reaaally nice
The cons being:
- I can rarely see him outside of church, with church being a place where I can talk to him for approximately 10 minutes once a week. Not even kidding, since I have other friends / acquaintances to speak to; and since I am now playing flute as part of the music team, that time has been further reduced.
- He gets really annoying sometimes
- He jokes about things I really don't feel comfortable with, such as the idea of me being pregnant...
- He always has so much homework, that we can barely talk. We can't talk on the phone because someone on his family would listen in, having three home phones; and we're not allowed to make calls to mobiles; also both of us are consistently short on [read: completely out of] mobile credit.
Yeah that's it.
He is really nice and stuff. But as for the other guy, who just by the way, seems to at least like me for more than my body. Which, Italics Boy also does, but it feels like it's more about that half the time. Of course, it is nice being told that you're hot. For like, the first three times. Then, it irritates the crap out of me... and makes me angry. But angry in a way where I won't actually say that I am, and then conversation on my side just becomes snappy and the other person is left wondering what the hell happened... Coz I'm like that.
Okay, other guy.
- He's kinda old school gentleman like. It's cute. Somewhat disconcerting, but then, I do have this expectation that every guy I end up with is using me or something... Even with Jimit, although we were kinda using each other... And then ended up liking each other. Goddamnit I want a conventional love story. The fairy tale kind... Not that I want to fall in love, yet. /runs for the hills.
- He is also really nice.
- I can see him all the time.
- Lynley (best friend) approves
- He doesn't care if I kiss [or get incredibly close with, since we are "lesbian buddies". But not really...] Lynley. Just on the lips, since her boyfriend only lets her make out with other girls if he's present. Not that I'm keen or anything... Okay, I am. I'm still perfectly straight.
That seems to be a rule a lot of boyfriends seem to have haha. And is why I should have taken the chance at her birthday party on Saturday where I hooked up with this guy for the first time. Although, Italics Boy definitely wouldn't mind either.
- He sends me cute text messages.
- He's too cute; for those of you who don't know I get scared off easily. Walking me to my lessons, putting away my books for me, etc. Weird. Cute, but freaky. And yeah, all the sweet stuff. Besides, he likes me a lot; "either way i'm not going down without a fight (: not literally but you get the idea lol (:". He has the advantage of knowing the situation with Italics Boy as well; Italics Boy being in the dark about this development; but he hasn't tried to make me choose him, although as he says, he is "obviously biased".
- That's about it, really. Oh and he tries to kiss me with other people around. Which I'm not comfortable with; but he doesn't do it much; I just care too much about what other people think, etc. And it's just awkward for others.
What I'm really pissed off about is the fact that my friends decided to have what was practically an "intervention", How I Met Your Mother style -
[it's within the last 5 minutes]
Okay, I hear that wasn't quite the plan, but when another three people came out to join the original one who wanted to talk to me, it became an intervention, a la the fabulous show. Without the banner and letters. I'm rather irritated since one of these people isn't someone I even consider to really be a friend of mine anymore; we are more friends of friends because, face it, we drifted poles apart nearly a year ago.
Of course, you could say I'm technically cheating on Italics Boy, that's what I said to this boy from school (who really needs a name) in between kissing him against the wall at Lynley's; but that is technically, since we aren't actually going out. And I have not being going through lots of guys lately. I agree, it would be better if I was the one getting hurt; but, shit. Jimit doesn't count because we were together October last year, at the latest. Cameron was not someone I was ever with. I just wanted to be friends with him, and I had no idea how to respond when he held my hand, put his arm around me, and kissed my forehead. I'm awkward like that. [And holy shit speak of the devil he just came on MSN.] The plan with him is, when I get credit, explain to him that I'm sorry, but I think I gave him the wrong idea, and I really just want to be friends.
Then there was Italics Boy and this guy, almost immediately after each other.
And I tried really hard to not like the boy from school. I kept mentioning Italics Boy, as one of my tactics. Apparently, though, he knew that's why I was doing it, because my feelings were in my eyes. Like I'm not obvious enough otherwise anyway. I tried to just think of him as a friend. But that didn't work so well. I wish he didn't actually like me in return, that he just wanted a hook up that night. But life is never that simple. Although that wouldn't be so simple either.
And thanks for telling him what you told me as well; he already knows the position both he and I are in (No sexual innuendo jokes please!), we have talked about it, and he is willing to wait for me to make my decision, and not try to rush me into it. Either way, he wants us to be friends, although both of us would find that really hard. He doesn't need you telling him what he already knows. By the way, you can tell me what you want, that is your right. Not to tell him your opinion.
I hate this situation in which I find myself (I only just found out today that it is technically incorrect grammar to end a sentence with a preposition, although, yes, I did do this in the previous paragraph). For the last week, I have been wishing that I had met the boy from school just two weeks earlier. Which indicates something about which I might choose... But I am not deciding anything for sure yet! I need a little bit more time.
I did not try to engender this; I didn't ask for it; and I can never help who I like! I'd tried to stop myself liking the ex best friend, I'd tried to stop liking David; either way, I have no control over it. I know, I don't have to follow through on my feelings, but when they are reciprocated... and when I have such terrible self control...